Everything Dawn Fears in Girls5eva’s “I’m Afraid,” Ranked
“Can’t I trust my arms?”
Girls5eva was a very funny show from earlier in 2021. It came from the minds of Meredith Scardino and Tina Fey. Even though not a lot of people watched it (it was on Peacock), those who did were gifted with immense laughter from how silly and cerebral the comedy could be. One of the pillars of the show’s comedy came in the episode, “Carma,” which saw the main character, Dawn (Sara Bareilles), stay awake all night and hallucinate a basketball-playing Dolly Parton to try to craft the perfect hit ballad. What resulted was “I’m Afraid,” a song that operates as a list of the things her unconscious, exhausted mind is afraid of. The lyrics are hilarious and I wanted to rank the fears by a combination of what I’m able to relate to (fear-wise) and what is humorous in them. Because comedy can be drained by explaining it too much, though, I won’t provide a whole lot of commentary on them. I just wanted to share the fears with you all because it’s quite a delightful, lyrical masterwork. Right up there with some of The Lonely Island’s greats.
21. “Heights”
Standard.
20. “I might have been a little stupid to write this song”
Pretty poetic before the rest of the song kicks in.
19. “If my kid is gonna be a bond trader”
18. “That someone will found out that I memorized all the words to Macklemore’s ‘Thrift Shop’”
Easy target.
17. “Trying”
Back to the more poetic side, but trying anything can be pretty scary. Just ask Taylor Swift.
16. “If I needed emergency heart surgery, the doctor would go, ‘Hello, nipple hair!’”
Funniest when imagining the doctor doing the kind of voice that Jerry, Elaine, and George did in Seinfeld’s “The Voice.” La la la.
15. “They lie about expiration dates”
14. “That I might thrive under Scientology”
13. “That the second I leave town, I’ll get a UTI”
Gets a little sociological commentary going here. Just sell the pills over the counter, man.
12. “My hummus is just fungus”
Had me wondering what hummus actually is.
11. “That someone will find out I bought seven seasons of The Mentalist”
Easy target, as well, but better than Macklemore because Mentalist DVDs probably have negative value in the year of 2021.
10. “That I’ll accidentally text a pic of my vagina to my dad”
This is the lyric that always makes me cringe when I’m listening to it in the shower. Not because it’s a bad lyric. Totally valid fear. But because Bareilles really goes for the high note and I worry my roommates are hearing it and thinking, “What the fuck is he listening to?” It’s why I haven’t played “The Monster Fuck” by Leo Karpatze yet this Halloween season.
9. “If I’m lucky enough to be eighty, I’ll be one of those ladies whose entire scalp is visible when the sun shines through her salmon-colored hair”
One of those things everyone is familiar with, but never really talks about. The kind of joke that made Stefon so great on SNL.
8. “That after I die, someone will have sex with my dead body and be like, ‘Not worth it’”
I just like imagining a necrophiliac with high standards. Feels like a David Sedaris character.
7. “That somewhere, deep inside of me, is a lost tampon”
Gets funnier the more I think about it.
6. “That during high winds, the stop sign will uproot and decapitate me”
No notes.
5. “That on Ancestry.com, I might found out I have a bunch of half siblings and they’ll want to be in my life”
Speaks to the introvert in all of us.
4. “I could raise a son who’d get radicalized on Reddit or that he’ll Back to the Future and I’ll think he’s hot”
3. “To hold a new baby if I lose control of my arms for a second and throw it at the ceiling fan or something like that”
I have this exact same fear.
2. “That if I got an awful disease, I wouldn’t be brave; I’d just be a bitch and be mean”
Great delivery.
1. “That under every bus stop is a sinkhole of rats”
Gut laugh as hard as “Mona Lisa, you’re an overrated piece of shit” the first time I heard this one.
More comedic songs should really just be lists. Comedic songs, Billy Joel. Don’t write a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” sequel.
