Ranking Every Ride at Walt Disney World and Universal Orlando
“Kindly step all the way in please, and make room for everyone. There’s no turning back now.”
It has been no secret on this website that I love theme parks. I’ve had the privilege and benefit of spending many months of my life living in Orlando, Florida. There was a time from January to August in 2018 and another period from July 2021 to July 2022. That’s more time in the proximity of some of the world’s greatest theme parks than most people will ever have in a lifetime. I’ve been a Floridian theme park nerd since I was just a wee baby and I’m so lucky and so grateful to have had the opportunity to live that dream, even if only for under two years. I’ve driven by Space Mountain at four in the morning! I’ve rolled into bed at three in the morning after being frightened by Beetlejuice! I’ve woken up and decided, I feel like Disney Springs or CityWalk today! It’s what I always dreamed of and I have loved it so dearly. But it couldn’t possibly last.
To celebrate that time and value it forever (you better know that my theme park podcasts continue on a steady rotation and I will be back for many vacations and visits), I wanted to finally craft a list I’ve had in mind for a long time: Every Ride at Walt Disney World Resort and Universal Orlando Resort, Ranked. Considering I have now actually ridden every ride at those two resorts, it’s time to make the list before more and more rides open down here (and I’m not able to ride them) and the list becomes obsolete and incomplete. But right now, for one shining moment, I’ve ridden them all.
Just get ready for Caveat City. I chose the words in the title very carefully. First of all, these are rides only and not wholly attractions. That means, I did not include all the shows. For one, it’s hard to compare a show to a ride. For another, I refuse to see It’s Tough to Be a Bug, so it would’ve been incomplete anyway. But maybe one day, I can rank all the shows when I find myself deeply missing these theme parks being so close by! For now, though, it’s just the rides. (And no transit rides. Sorry to the monorails, gondolas, and trams.)
That means there’s no Tiki Room, Country Bears, Hall of Presidents, Enchanted Tales, PhilharMagic, Carousel of Progress, Laugh Floor, Pixar Short Film Festival, Awesome Planet, Turtle Talk, Reflections of China, American Adventure, Impressions de France, Far and Wide, Beauty and the Beast/Frozen Sing-Alongs, Indiana Jones, Jedi Training, Muppet*Vision, Walt Disney Presents, Disney Junior, Voyage of the Little Mermaid, BatB on Stage, Lightning McQueen, Festival of the Lion King, Musical Finding Nemo, Birds from Up, Ollivanders, Poseidon, Blues Brothers, Horror Makeup, or Jason Bourne. I do regret not being able to write about Kermit, John Progress, Mike Wazowski, Donald Duck, Simba, and Li Bai, but they’ll be for another time. At least I don’t have to write about Ty Burrell’s climate change warning. (Too scary!)
It’s also solely about rides. So even though Swiss Family Treehouse, Tom Sawyer Island, and Me Ship the Olive are labeled as attractions, you cannot ride them. The arcade in Frontierland is a no-go. Character meet-and-greets in Fantasyland, Storybook Circus, and Launch Bay won’t count. The various paths and trails for studying animals at Animal Kingdom won’t fly. Children’s play areas themed around If I Ran the Zoo, Dumbo, An American Tail, and Jurassic World are not eligible. Those weird occasions when the parks consider their icons attractions (Cinderella Castle, Tree of Life) are not discussed. Specialty showcases at Grinchmas, Halloween Horror Nights, or Mickey’s Very Merry/Not-So-Scary do not qualify. No nighttime shows (sorry, Fantasmic! Not sorry, Enchantment) or parades. No rides from water parks (Blizzard Beach, Typhoon Lagoon, or Volcano Bay). No rides from Peppa Pig’s subset of Legoland or anything from SeaWorld will be mentioned here; it’s only about Disney and Universal. Other non-Orlando parks may receive their own list one day! But they’re not here. Additionally, I almost wrote about hotels and restaurants instead, but it’s simply too challenging to experience every single one and avoid the obsessive/upsetting completionist in me.
And — as I mentioned above — this list is complete, but only in the sense that it reflects this exact moment in time. This snapshot is wholly necessary because there may never be another moment in my life where I have ridden every single attraction at the big two resorts in Orlando. We are in a post-Shrek and pre-Tron world right now. I cannot wait to ride that! I don’t really miss Shrek at all! But the eighty rides ranked below are the eighty rides at Disney and Universal in Orlando, Florida on June 20, 2022, right after the opening of the new Guardians of the Galaxy ride at Epcot. This will never be exactly the same again. Yet, I will never forget this exact moment either. I love it always, as I’ve loved the ones that came before. I cherish it forever. So, even though I miss the Backlot Tour or Maelstrom, they won’t be here. No former attractions are permitted, even though they could shake things up. I don’t know them all! At this moment, I know these rides. Maybe Tron will be the best. But I didn’t live with Tron. Maybe Epic Universe will shatter the ranking completely, as it launches to over one hundred. But that wasn’t open when I lived here. This is the snapshot. This is the moment. And I just feel the love for these parks as they are. In some ways, they’ve improved. In others, they’re on the path to faltering — potentially majorly. Past and future, good and evil. That’s the story of them. But the joy that comes from these rides is hardly outweighed. In the moment, of course.
80. Skull Island: Reign of Kong
I know I just wrote a lot of sweet nothings about the theme parks in Orlando, but I have no affection for this ride. I never experienced Universal’s King Kong attraction, but unless it featured a team member literally mugging me and increasing my student debt, I can’t imagine it being worse than this. A hard-to-see, cumbersome, moving bus that is devoid of all thrills, any innovation, and some semblance of restraint when it comes to both insects and reptilian mutilation. You might argue the Kong animatronic is worth it, but not when the ride queue itself is filled with both jump scares and casual racism. A horrible ride.
79. Doctor Doom’s Fearfall
The queue resembles an indistinguishable mold of molten metal melting around you. The ride resembles the most sweltering lines you ever waited in at your hometown carnivals. The little view you do get of Orlando (mostly the demon-laden hellscape that is I4, mind you) is squandered when your stomach hurts and you wonder what the true benefit of being up this high is. I’m not one who thinks Disney needs to have everything Marvel under their umbrella, but it’s also not as if Universal really gave a fuck with their “prestige” Doctor Doom ride, is it? Maybe I’m just not a fan of this genre of ride.
78. The Magic Carpets of Aladdin
Speaking of ride genres I’m not a fan of, The Magic Carpets of Aladdin is a waste of everyone’s time. Of all the “eighty seconds spent rotating in a circle for children” rides Disney has, this one is the worst. Not because of Scott Weinger’s brief narration of a decently fun spitting camel, mind you. But because it’s an eyesore in Adventureland and a sorry excuse for a ride based on one of Disney’s best movies. Yes, it takes a while for the classics to get their attractions in parks that are already built. But The Little Mermaid has a dark ride, Beauty and the Beast has one of the best restaurants and one of the best drinks (LeFou’s Brew), and The Lion King has the best stage show at the parks. Aladdin deserves better than this afterthought. It’s been thirty years since the film came out, though, so with that logic, Tangled has a long wait before it’s represented by more than just bathrooms.
77. Wildlife Express Train
This is a ride focused solely on practicality. The point of the train is to shuttle guests from Animal Kingdom proper to Rafiki’s Planet Watch. It doesn’t rank lowly because it does its job poorly. It’s actually kind of neat to see some backstage areas at Animal Kingdom and the train itself has a large-enough capacity to reduce any unnecessary wait times. It’s just that boarding the train to head to a petting zoo seems both demoralizing to the animals and demoralizing to people who had different ways they wanted to spend an hour.
76. Popeye and Bluto’s Bilge-Rat Barges
I don’t like shoot-you-up-in-the-air rides and I don’t like spin-you-in-a-tedious-circle rides. I’m also not a fan of water rides (save for a couple notable exceptions). Popeye and Bluto, though? It’s the worst offender. Don’t get me wrong! Popeye is a fun character and the idea of an Altman-led Popeye episode on Blank Check with Griffin & David would be a blast. It’s just that this ride has no other goal but to make you miserably drenched. I learned the hard way — from a very young age — that I don’t like wet shoes and socks. There is no version of this ride that leaves the two aspects of footwear dry. However, the raft ride itself does not drench you with the splashes generated by the ride vehicle. There is literally a massive bucket with torrential gushes of water dumping onto you around every corner. That doesn’t count as a water ride! That’s cheating! You come off it feeling as if you jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed. No amount of spinach can improve that feeling.
75. Kali River Rapids
Kali River Rapids only eclipses Popeye and Bluto because it doesn’t have those obnoxious buckets doing all the work to get you wet. Why are we punished if the raft ride doesn’t generate a splash big enough for the few heathens who actually do crave the peeling of wet socks from their languished feet eight hours later? Kali is better — slightly. But it’s all just the same.
74. TriceraTop Spin
It might seem like a rocky start for Animal Kingdom representation on this list, but it’ll improve. I promise! For now, TriceraTop Spin is just another cheap, pre-manufactured ride mechanism that the parks stick in to eat some guests and give the kids something to do for forty minutes (yes, these wait times can get to forty minutes; that’s the downside of having, like, ten vehicles that can only load every two minutes). TriceraTop spin gets an edge over Magic Carpets because I like dinosaurs.
73. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
And One Fish, Two Fish only gets the edge over TriceraTop Spin because the theming in Seuss Landing is underrated. Everything is crooked and colorful! Universal was capable of evocative, immersive theming before Harry Potter flew into the city. I’m surprised they didn’t make a thestral/broomstick version of One Fish in Hogsmeade.
72. Liberty Square Riverboat
To be honest, I was prepared to put Liberty Square Riverboat a little higher on the list, but I was at the Magic Kingdom the other day and the engine was really loud. I was in the middle of a conversation and it just kind of annoyed me. Regardless, someone dumped an electric vehicle into the Liberty Square river a couple years ago and the boat was down for years as a result. Was it missed? Perhaps not. There are some unique views of the Magic Kingdom that come from the riverboat and anything that reminds the world’s future of Mark Twain is always a win, but you kind of have to be in the mood to recreate Fried Green Tomatoes to enjoy it fully and who among us is ever in a mood like that?
71. Storm Force Accelatron
Another classic genre of theme park attractions that can be cheaply installed to eat people for a half hour is the “teacup” style of ride. Universal’s version of that is themed to Storm of the X-Men [naturally (?)]and it’s deliriously unmemorable. Not even worth being ranked lower on this list. It deserves to be placed right at the most forgettable number, which — I have now decided — is seventy-one.
70. Kang & Kodos’ Twirl ’n’ Hurl
Yet another spinner ride and, again, it’s challenging to compare them to one another. Kang & Kodos has an advantage that its contemporaries do not, though, and that’s its ability to play clips from The Simpsons in the queue. It’s not just clips, though; it’s specifically clips from the “Treehouse of Horror” episodes of The Simpsons. It’s not enough to get it beyond the top seventy, but it’s enough to top Seussian fish, Disneyfied dinosaurs, and Aladdin’s multiplying friends.
69. Mission: Space
Mission: Space never had a chance to place very highly on a ranking like this. In its pre-2018 era, it might’ve had a chance to sneak into the top fifty as it did manage to somewhat follow through on the promise of an intense simulation of a mission to Mars. But now that it takes you “above” the world for an easy-natured orbit with low-tech, obfuscated mapping imagery of Earth? It’s just kind of a nothing ride. I’m a bit too anxious to ride the more intense version of the ride because I’m not entirely sure I clear the restrictions. So the greener, milder version of Mission: Space is less than ideal, especially now that Gary Sinise has been removed from the attraction’s pre-show. (Bonus points for reminding me of For All Mankind the last time I rode it, though.)
68. Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run
I’ve never been a big fan of Star Tours, so I was not thrilled when one of the two marquee attractions announced for Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge seemed like Star Tours with slightly more consequences and agency. Actually riding Smugglers Run was an even worse experience, though. Any sort of “thrill” is muted by the lack of ingenuity in the ride system and there’s hardly much for anyone to do except — once again — press on buttons that light up. Doubling down on this with the fact that Galaxy’s Edge was never as immersive as Imagineers intended and the attraction based on cinema’s most famous spaceship is simply a gargantuan flop.
67. Tomorrowland Speedway
Intended to be Orlando’s answer to Autopia, Tomorrowland Speedway is perhaps the most obviously inferior equivalent to Disneyland’s Anaheim. (Perhaps the Matterhorn would top any Floridian Fantasyland roller coasters.) The ride that seems to take up the most land in Tomorrowland also takes up the least space in the heart of anyone who visits. It reminds me of bumper cars in that children are allowed to drive and it’s just safe enough for them to do so, but just complicated enough that it’s a deeply painful (like, Primeval Whirl levels of painful) and uncomfortable experience for the one riding shotgun. Plus, the queue is in a metallic cage of scorching, sunshine-laden concrete and the ride itself makes the whole Cosmic Ray’s transition smell like gasoline. (I used to work at Speedway Ice Cream. Trust me, I know that odor.) Not to mention, you’re able to get a fake license after driving the speedway and I always think I have one, but then I reach into my wallet and it’s actually a license from the Sci-Fi Dine-In Theater, so whatever.
66. Mad Tea Party
As a ride system and purely physical, the Mad Tea Party is not markedly different from Storm Force. But, come on. The “original” isn’t always better (Tobey Maguire is a better Nick Carraway than Sam Waterston), but this is more than an original. This is one of the classics! This is an iconic Disney ride! It’s not a good Disney ride, but it’s the reason why the teacup-type rides are teacups in the first place. It’s synonymous with the Magic Kingdom. You just don’t really need to ride it more than once.
65. Caro-Seuss-el
As I type this, the Caro-Seuss-el has been under renovation for seemingly longer than it’s going to take for Billie Eilish to get her own house at Horror Nights. So, the jury’s out, right? You never know! Maybe it’ll reopen and just be a groundbreaking, innovative attraction for the ages! Maybe it’ll reinvent everything we thought we knew about merry-go-rounds! For now, it’s solely remembered as a carousel (a perfectly pleasant type of theme park attraction) where you can ride whatever’s not-quite-akin to Sneetches or Whos. They’re assuredly sentient, though, which makes it less fun to straddle them.
64. Woody Woodpecker’s Nuthouse Coaster
Another “genre” of theme park ride that’s not going to really contend on this ranking? The children’s roller coaster. Nothing wrong with them! Lord knows I’ll still ride them on occasion and lord knows they’d be in the top twenty if I made this list fifteen years ago. But while I’m glad Woody Woodpecker hasn’t met the same bulldozer that Jaws, Back to the Future, and The Terminator all fell to, I can’t say this is ever a must-do for me at Universal Studios. If it’s even open at that! I respect Universal’s commitment to propping up cartoon characters that no one under the age of twenty gives a fuck about, though.
63. Dudley Do-Right’s Ripsaw Falls
Speaking of cartoon characters no one gives a fuck about. Dudley Do-Right has a few fun points that muscle it this high on the list (still not very high), even when I don’t appreciate the drench-fest that Universal embraces. One? It’s Dudley Do-Right. I mean, come on. Hobbits don’t even have their own attractions anywhere in the world, but Dudley Do-Right does. Two? It’s the basis for one of my favorite episodes of Podcast: The Ride. Three, you can kind of see it from the highway if you take the walking paths back to a Universal resort. Aside from that, it’s wonderfully dated and a perfect microcosm of a time when comic strips really did matter. God bless it. (Also, my ex’s parents once had a framed photo of Snidley Whiplash on the floor of their dining room. I’ve always wanted to know why and I think about it every day.)
62. The Barnstormer featuring the Great Goofini
Back to the genre of children’s roller coasters, Disney’s oldest version of this is The Barnstormer. I loved The Barnstormer when I was just a wee lad and the Christmas parties actually reduced wait times significantly. It was no bother to my family to ride it with me because it took — quite literally — forty-five seconds. (With most of that time being the assurance that the lap bars are locked into place.) The problem is that the roller coaster is just too short. I know I’m not the target audience, but I had to rank it somewhere! It’s good for one zippy bend of fun and that’s about it. For the majority of the Disney demographic, that’s enough! :)
61. Despicable Me Minion Mayhem
There’s a lot that inherently works against an attraction all about the Minions. (They try to gussy it up as being a Despicable Me ride, but let’s be real. It’s the Minions.) They’re all identical and hard to discern between; they speak in indecipherable gibberish (“banana” excluded); it’s marred by fairly low-brow humor; it replaced a legendary attraction based on Jimmy Neutron and the most beloved Nicktoons. All that being said, though, Minion Mayhem is not a wholly unmitigated disaster. Yes, it’s highly flawed, but it’s not worthless. There are moments of fun to be had if you can let go of the restraint for just a moment. (Don’t let go of the ride’s restraints, though. You’ll jiggle quite a bit. Even if you have the body of Ken from Survivor.)
60. Dumbo the Flying Elephant
I hope you can understand why Dumbo ranks higher than most of the other spinner rides. Even though it’s not markedly different from any of the aforementioned ones, it does fall into the same category as the Mad Tea Party, in that it does mean something to ride it. Is Dumbo really all that great or innovative or cutting edge or [insert adjective that the Disney Park Blog likes to use on their Instagram posts]? No, of course not. But it’s Dumbo the Flying Elephant. Disney’s Dumbo. Sure, the ride’s not stellar on its own, but when you ride it, you’re part of a lineage that dates back to the origin of Walt’s endeavor. It’s just cool to say you rode Dumbo, man.
59. Star Tours
You’ve probably long guessed that Star Tours was not even close to being a contender with the top half of my list. I’ve never understood the appeal, to be honest. Certainly not to the point of grasping why it was so imperative to devote an episode to it on the Behind the Attraction docuseries on Disney Plooos. Yes, sure, it’s the first Star Wars ride ever, but it really doesn’t do that much with the concept. I’m not the biggest fan of motion simulation rides, but Universal orchestrates them a lot better than Disney does. Star Tours just sort of jostles you around a little bit and shows you a bunch of locations that only look vaguely familiar. I do give it points for the animatronics, at least. But to me, it has about all the thrills of the Carousel of Progress without any of that iconic show’s stellar storytelling.
58. Fast & Furious: Supercharged
The motion simulation is not exactly improved on the marquee Fast and Furious attraction at Universal Studios, when you compare it to Star Tours. But what Supercharged lacks in any sort of excitement (the ride vehicle goes neither fast nor furious), it makes up for with dumb fun. It’s entertaining to walk through the queue and see Letty’s locker or Tej’s supplies. It’s even more entertaining when you ride with an enthusiastic friend who participates more than the ride designers ever anticipated and even proclaims Owen Shaw to be dead. You may not think of a slow-moving bus when you think of Fast and Furious and it may not be worthy of replacing Earthquake! or Disaster!, but at least it’s incredibly stupid.
57. Flight of the Hippogriff
As far as children’s roller coasters go, Flight of the Hippogriff doesn’t reinvent a single thing. Instead, it maximizes its potential by allowing the ride to last longer than twenty-five seconds and squeezing in a couple unique and soaring views of the Hogwarts castle. It might have even ranked higher a couple years ago because it provided one of Islands of Adventure’s only glimpses at Hagrid’s hut. (No longer the case with that Hagrid-themed roller coaster next door.) Plus, Hippogriff is the kind of roller coaster with lap bars that can click further into place when you lean on them during the ride. That always makes for an interesting first half!
56. Prince Charming Regal Carousel
The merry-go-round that is parallel with the entirety of Magic Kingdom’s icons. The train station, Main Street, Cinderella Castle, and Prince Charming’s stable itself. Look right underneath the castle and see the park’s famous carousel all the way from the entrance of the park. There’s no view like it in the world! It may not be the direct inspiration from Walt’s original Disneyland vision, but it’s still the merry-go-round at the preeminent theme park in the world. Try to ride it during a Christmas party if you can, too. The holiday music is a lot more magical than the same high-pitched loop of “Be Our Guest” for hours.
55. Astro Orbiter
We arrive now — just twenty-five rides into the list — at the sixth and final spinner ride on this list. What makes Astro Orbiter the best of them? Is it the elevator ride that you need to take to get to it? Absolutely not. It’s so small and tedious, resulting in small groups, confusing line splitting, and a laborious wait time. Is it the immaculate theming? Not quite. Just a few rockets, isn’t it? The display of Jules Verne-esque planets is cool, but hardly enough for full immersion during the daytime. No, what makes Astro Orbiter the best of the six is because there are two rides every day that are among the most magical experiences you can ever have at Walt Disney World. Those are the two rides that occur during the nightly fireworks show. A pitch black sky and gorgeous fireworks exploding overhead with a playlist of Disney medleys? It can be magical; it can be romantic; it can be once-in-a-lifetime. Try to time it one day. You’ll see how it can top Dumbo.
54. Peter Pan’s Flight
Ah, yes. The immaculate Fantasyland dark ride that no one understands how the wait times never dip below seventy-five minutes. As far as Fantasyland dark rides go, it’s incredibly short. The ride mechanism is prone to breaking down at least six times a day. The queuing and loading is the least efficient of any attraction that’s not alliterative and Seussian. Add in some overly complicated FastPass systems and Peter Pan’s Flight just doesn’t stand a chance at churning out riders effectively. But if you manage to make a friend who works there or you have truly nothing better to do, it can be sweet to have the attendant sprinkle pixie dust upon you, see the London skyline from far above, and experience just a taste of what Walt probably experienced, as well.
53. Pteranodon Flyers
Pteranodon Flyers is the one ride at Universal that you actually can’t always ride if you want to. It’s confusing, I know, but you can only ride this if you’re with a child because the height maximum can make things pretty dicey. I did go on it once when I was a child myself and I remember the speed of the glorified dino-zipline combined with the airiness of the park around us. It made for an experience in which I felt incredibly light and exhilarated! Too bad I’ll never be able to ride it again.
52. Alien Swirling Saucers
For as much as Disney loves their acronyms, there is no way the Imagineers didn’t realize they had created an ASS at Hollywood Studios. My initial impression of Alien Swirling Saucers was that it would be a standard, low-tier ride that would be more at home in Canobie Lake Park than Disney’s Hollywood Studios. It just seemed like traditional carnival fare. And while eighty-five percent of the experience was traditional carnival fare, there was actually a great deal of fun to it. With every fifth rotation, the momentum and weight of the ride’s slingshot nature would provide for a pretty fun, stomach-dropping sensation. I’d never wait more than five minutes for it, but those occasional moments give it an edge over similar rides that are harder to parse in the 51–80 range.
51. Remy’s Ratatouille Adventure
The newest ride to open in Orlando, Remy’s Ratatouille Adventure was a thrilling prospect because the idea of a ride based on Ratatouille, one of the best films of the 2000s, was a thrilling concept! Imagine if there was a ride based on In Bruges or The Devil Wears Prada! Obviously, as the demographic for the ride is largely children, it’s not all that exciting. The forced perspective is a neat trick, but this new ride mechanism is being driven into the ground by Disney more than The Goldbergs ever was. At a certain point, you just reach diminishing returns with the trackless ride system unless you can find a new angle with which to approach it. Ultimately, while the ride is cute, it failed to live up the promise I felt when I was standing in the queue, gazing at Gusteau’s, and swooning to “Le Festin.” Maybe it should’ve taken the Beauty and the Beast route and simply embraced its culinary roots. That’s when the ride’s at its best: the ending scene. God, that might be the best scent Disney ever cooked up.
50. Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin
I’ve come to peace with the fact that I’ll never be a Galactic Hero who scores 999,999 points on this ride. I know there’s a few things you’re supposed to aim for to achieve it and I know where they are. But I have the depth perception of a Titanic pilot and the aim of Marcus Smart. It’s never going to happen for me. I’m happy for those of you who it does work for, though. It’s a neat ride! And it explores an alternative side of Buzz Lightyear in the same way that the E.T. ride gives you a look into a side of E.T. that no one ever knew or cared about! I mostly enjoy using the joystick to spin the cart.
49. Hogwarts Express
You might call this a monorail trussed up with the fancy accouterments of the Wizarding World — and you’re probably not far off. The only thing is that the Hogwarts Express simply moves in a straight line between destinations, rather than a more fluid, encompassing loop. The novelty of the Hogwarts Express is exactly what you’d expect. You can race through Platform 9 3/4; you can cozy into a trolley car like Harry, Ron, and Hermione always would (until Wizard Nazis hunted them — such is life); you can board that hooting steam whistle train with all the hope that comes with visiting both Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. Yes, Fake Hermione is a disappointment and yes, you have to have a multi-park pass to access it. But it’s a neat experience if you can manage!
48. Jurassic Park River Adventure
I know I said I wasn’t the biggest fan of water rides, but this is the marquee attraction for one of my favorite movies of all-time. It’s the hub ride for Jurassic Park even if the demand is dwarfed by the newly-opened (and, admittedly, better) nearby roller coaster. The billion-dollar-grossing film was a no-brainer for a theme park slot at the resort synonymous with its director, Steven Spielberg, and the ride followed through on the promise of that. I have to imagine it was exponentially more mind-boggling at the time, though! There you were: face-to-face with dinosaurs of all ilks. The John Williams score billowing behind you. The knowledge that Spielberg dipped out of the T-rex-dominated drop that you have no choice but to endure. It’s all a pretty awesome experience, even if it sucks to have drenched socks afterwards.
47. Journey into Imagination with Figment
Similar to the ride immediately above this one, I have to imagine that the best version of the Figment ride was the one I never got to experience. By all accounts, Dreamfinder is the definitive take on the Epcot mascot’s one and only attraction (and not Eric Idle). I’ve seen a bit in passing on old YouTube clips, but I can really only judge this ride by its current iteration. That is complete with post-Monty Python, family-centric Idle and a general feeling of “That was unpleasant” at every ounce of Figment’s behavior. He’s not offensive; he’s not annoying; he’s not disgusting. He’s just mildly distasteful. A master at crafting dark ride moments that will make you say, “I’d have preferred not to have that happen to me.”
46. The Seas with Nemo & Friends
I am sure I will be beaten with a shark for placing The Seas with Nemo & Friends above such beloved park staples as Star Tours, Peter Pan’s Flight, and Fast and Furious: Supercharged. But I can’t help it! Rank your own rides! I’m already susceptible to dark rides and I already think of Finding Nemo as one of the greatest films ever made. Put them together with yet another moving, cinematic score and you have a real winner for me! Plus, the wait time barely inches over five minutes. And the queue has got to be one of the most refreshing and cooling-off in the entirety of Epcot. And that hallway with the turtles in the East Australian Current is pretty fantastic. And sometimes that angler fish animatronic actually works! It’s a C-tier attraction, yes, but it’s still underrated!
45. E.T. Adventure
Imagine it: It’s one of the most iconic moments in movie history and you get to ride it! E.T. is in your care. You’re pedaling a bicycle. The police are onto you. But then you lift off and soar past the moon. You’re flying! You’re in the movies — just like Universal always promised! It’s an incredible attraction experience, but wait. What’s this? The ride’s not over? No, pal, don’t you remember what Spielberg said to you in the ride’s pre-show when he traipsed out of what seemed to be the Forbidden Forest? He said he needed your help reuniting E.T. with his home planet family members. You know the ones. Tikli, Orbidon, and Magdol: everyone’s favorite characters from the beloved film. After that, E.T. will be sure to clunkily read your name aloud and you’ll walk back through the half-mile of trees to return to your Universal Studios adventure. It’s nonsense, but there’s nothing like it.
44. Na’vi River Journey
Similar to E.T. Adventure with its immersion into a woodland fantasy world that no one understands or connects to, Na’vi River Journey is one that can rank close to the top half of the list because it resides solely on vibes and an E-ticket level animatronic. “Way Tiretuä” is, of course, right up there with “My Heart Will Go On” and “Danger Zone” when it comes to iconic movie songs. Don’t miss your opportunity to hear a real life Na’vi chant it at you after six corridors of trees and those floating, blue light jellyfish that ambushed Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin during their 2009 Oscars monologue. In the interest of moving away from sarcasm, this is a solid boat ride that serves as something of a distraction from the massive queues next door in Pandora.
43. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
This is why I wanted to move away from the sarcasm. Sure, the Winnie the Pooh attraction in Fantasyland didn’t crack the top half of my list, but I still love and treasure it! Not just because it’s one of the only rides I’ve ever been evacuated off of (bringing new danger to a blustery day), but also because it was a total must ride for me as a child. Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and Eeyore were and are some of my favorite characters in all of fiction, so I had to seize on the opportunity to visit the Hundred Acre Wood with them in a bouncing honey pot. (Read: hunny.) I would’ve liked to see what it was like when Mr. Toad went to Hell, but I’m also content to bounce with Tigger, try to hold onto Piglet, and trip through a Heffalump and Woozle-fueled fever dream with a drugged Pooh. That’s showbiz, baby. Sorry. Pooh deserves our sincerity.
42. Living with the Land
Despite what many on the social media fora of Disney will tell you, Living with the Land is still not that popular with the average park-goer. (And, tragically, my own, annual pass-owning girlfriend.) That’s okay. Peoplemover is no longer a special secret for the theme park nerds, but Living with the Land still can be. True to the original roots of Epcot’s educational focus, Living with the Land not only demonstrates all the agricultural practices that are consistently ongoing “behind the seeds” at Epcot, but also the history of farming, in general! It’s an endearing experience that lacks all the pizzazz of similar attractions (Carousel of Progress, Spaceship Earth), but without lacking any of the heart. Added bonus for being able to see Garden Grill from the ride (like Gran Fiesta Tour seeing the San Angel Inn, but again without the pizzazz) and probably being able to recite the ride’s narration because it’s downloaded to my phone as an audio track.
41. The Incredible Hulk Coaster
This ride is one I’m glad I rode again recently. It probably would’ve been in the top twenty-five (at least) because my memory of the Hulk coaster was so strong. But on a recent trip to Universal, I noticed just how rough and tumultuous the roller coaster is, especially when compared to more recent technology in the same park. It’s a solid coaster and it does all the great things a thrill ride should do (especially one named after Bruce Banner). But there’s a few things that knocked it just outside the top forty. For one, that aforementioned tumult is uncomfortable and not one of the perks. My head hurts after I get off this ride more often than not. For another, a lot of the coaster takes place backstage in a sandlot with no theming or design whatsoever. It makes the ride feel more like Six Flags. And Six Flags is great! But not top twenty-five worthy.
40. Frozen Ever After
Maelstrom was cool, but I have to be honest. I never understood the uproar that came when it was announced Frozen would move into its place and re-theme a classic ride in World Showcase’s Norway at Epcot. Maybe it was for fear of change or distaste of Frozen or maybe people actually did have fond memories of Maelstrom. After all, wait times are only slightly longer for a ride that is — on paper — wickedly more popular. But for whatever reason, this became the center for both IP evolution and IP revolution at the theme parks in Disney. Frozen can be a lightning rod for lots of controversy and pushback. Part of this is the company’s own doing by making the brand synonymous with the company and on par with Princesses, Marvel, Star Wars, etc. But the story itself doesn’t deserve it. It’s just a cute movie with a cute dark ride that has impressive animatronics and a show-stopping use of both “Let It Go” and the Maelstrom drop. That can be fun enough for a dark ride, right? It doesn’t always have to mean something in the discourse?
39. Under the Sea: Journey of the Little Mermaid
The long-awaited ride that helped shepherd the new Fantasyland expansion a decade ago finally gave Ariel and The Little Mermaid a tangible, permanent, comfortable presence in the theme parks. The animatronics are not as advanced as they are on Frozen Ever After and the ride technology is not as fun or unpredictable as the princess dark ride counterpart (plus: consider that Frozen took under a decade to get its own ride and Mermaid took over two decades), but there’s something about Under the Sea that I give the edge to. There’s a charm to that classic Disney dark ride aesthetic and even some nostalgia to ten years ago when Disney didn’t feel the need to make every new ride an E-ticket attraction. But The Little Mermaid is also just the Disney movie of the past thirty years in the same way that Snow White was for the first and Cinderella was for the second. It’s defining. It’s iconic. And even though there’s life outside of those clamshells, it’s nice to forget about it for a little while. Tonal whiplash and all.
38. Jungle Cruise
Speaking of tonal whiplash, Jungle Cruise may not have the abrupt ending of Under the Sea (there’s very little resolution to how exactly Eric stops Ursula on the ride), but it does have the wild vacillations between punny and ominous. Obviously, Jungle Cruise is best known for the onslaught of puns and dumb jokes (“The backside of water,” most famous among them, though my favorite is “Dr. Albert Falls”), but there are some sinister layers of mystery to that are not touched on in the ride at all (see the Emily Blunt movie for more of that). Ultimately, Jungle Cruise is rarely worth the seventy-five minute it demands during the majority of the day. Try it at night or during the holidays (the Jingle Cruise is delightful)! Honestly, my favorite part of the Jungle Cruise is the culture around it. Skipper Canteen is an underrated restaurant; the queue audio of the old-timey radio station hosted by Skipper Albert AWOL is so much fun; the right skipper can make this one of the best rides in the park. I do love when it can be up to the cast members and not every ride will be the same experience. That’s what helps Jungle Cruise remain a unique standout in the parks, especially as Disney moves further away from that kind of interaction. They’d never dare strip the Jungle Cruise of it, though, right?
37. Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts
When Diagon Alley opened at Universal Studios, it promised an attraction that would far exceed the expectations put in place by the major centerpiece of Islands of Adventure’s Forbidden Journey attraction. Ultimately, Escape from Gringotts never got there for me. It’s good! And it’s worth doing! And nine times out of ten when I’m at Universal Studios, I am going to ride it. But it could’ve been so much more. There’s a few positives. For one, it makes good use of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows — Part 2 and the opening bank heist sequence that everyone in summer 2011 theaters pegged as a potential ride centerpiece. (Jury’s out on The Emperor’s New Groove’s wrong lever.) For another, it’s cool to see new characters as part of the fun (Voldemort, Bellatrix, Bill Weasley) and the Fake Hermione isn’t nearly as egregious as it is on the Hogwarts Express. But the ride just has too many stops and starts for it to function as an immensely enjoyable attraction. There needs to be a good balance between fun and story. (The best rides make the story fun and the fun service the story.) But Escape from Gringotts cuts its own heels off every time the momentum begins. It just feels like an incomplete ride by the end.
36. Walt Disney World Railroad
I’m a sucker for the rides that allow you to (as Lou Mongello says) sit back, relax, and enjoy. (The lazy river is the best part of every water park!) There’s so much at these theme parks to luxuriate and bask in for ten to fifty minutes at a time. I wish every park would come with its own slow-moving grand circle tour of all of its many lands, areas, attractions, and more. It would be so soothing and relaxing. It might become the thing I love the most in the world. Even above apple juice and Baz Luhrmann movies! For now, I’ll be grateful for the versions of this we do have. First among them? The Walt Disney World Railroad. It might seem silly to place this below some of the other equivalents when it’s actually the longest among them. (Plus, it actually explores the entire park and everyone knows Walt Disney loved trains, so you know this had to be quality.) The problem is that it doesn’t actually give you a tour of the park. Yes, it offers a few glimpses. You stop at Main Street, Frontierland, and Storybook Circus. You can see the inside of Splash Mountain’s post-splash scene. There’s some added scenery that resonates thematically on the outskirts of certain lands. You can even get a peek into the entrance of the Utilidors where the West Clock bus drops off cast members! But most of the time, you just see trees and the internal trust required of you to be assured that the narrator of the train knows what he’s talking about. Trees are cool, though! We don’t respect trees enough.
35. Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon
Yes, I’m actually that person on the Internet who likes Jimmy Fallon. Glad you found me! It might seem absurd to reckon with the notion present on today’s planet that The Tonight Show has its own theme park attraction. Imagine if there was a Hoda Kotb dark ride or a Ryan Seacrest roller coaster or a Joe Buck tilt-a-whirl? It’s bizarre notion, no? Yet, a talk show does have its own theme park ride. And it’s fun! Race Through New York basically follows the same trajectory as The Simpsons Ride (Hashtag the Panda is the equivalent of Mega Maggie Simpson; you go from street-level action to out-of-this-world action either on the moon or in hell), but it’s still entirely entertaining in its own way. (My friend, Hector, also pointed out the impressive mapping of the ride’s footage.) Most of my adoration for the ride comes from the experience leading up to it. 30 Rockefeller Plaza is one of my favorite places on the planet and Universal’s recreation of the Comcast Building is spot-on accurate. Even down to the waiting room to go into the talk show! It’s the most accurate recreation I’ve ever seen a theme park pull off. (Though, I’ve yet to visit Marceline, Missouri.) In addition to that, the waiting area is not some mind-numbing queue. It’s a chill lounge with highlights from Fallon’s Tonight Show and performances by the Ragtime Gals. The Roots’ performance of the safety spiel is similarly the best of its kind. The actual ride itself also comes complete with the same-style seats from the real Studio 6B! I don’t know, with that many positives, you have to consider the entire experience of the ride. It earns its spot here.
34. The Simpsons Ride
The Simpsons Ride does get an edge over Race Through New York, since its ride mechanisms came first. But just as Race Through New York gives Fallon fans exactly what they want, so too does The Simpsons Ride. Ingeniously, it makes use of Krustyland and the many other theme park parodies that populated The Simpsons over the years. (Enjoy the queue for its many clips from these episodes, including Lisa drinking the water on the kiddie ride and Bart’s lap bar slapping directly over his head.) However, it’s also sure to give fans the feeling that they are also in Springfield. The legacy of The Simpsons is robust enough that Sideshow Bob could swap in as the ride’s villain when Harry Shearer refused to reprise Mr. Burns (or any of his characters) for Universal’s Springfield and the entire experience does not suffer for it. Instead, it’s enhanced. The Sideshow Bob episodes always felt more special, didn’t they? While all of this earns The Simpsons Ride brownie points from me that it may not get from others, what really does it for me is the humor of the ride. Lots of theme park attractions have a tacky/lame sense of comedy that aims at being inoffensive and appealing to every possible guest. But The Simpsons Ride does have a genuine edge to it (SEND MONEY TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS) and it makes me laugh (“We’re both big and round and never finished high school!”). Considering the show’s A-squad of writers put maximum effort into both the ride and the similarly timed The Simpsons Movie, it’s no wonder. When The Simpsons’ humor hits, there’s nothing better.
33. Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway
One of the newest rides on the list, Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway is a sweet middle ground of what that “split the ride apart and go trackless” style of ride can be. Remy’s Ratatouille Adventure didn’t do much interesting with it aside from giving us the point of view of a low-to-the-floor rat. Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance turns the technology into more thrilling territory. But Mickey & Minnie has both cuteness and zaniness. The theme song, “Nothing Can Stop Us Now,” is befitting of a marquee attraction (especially one at the center of Hollywood Studios to replace the great The Great Movie Ride) and perhaps the best ride song to come along since the Soarin’ instrumental. But the real magic of the Runaway Railway comes in the ride’s ability to blend the thrills (the ratcheted up chaos of the ride splitting into segmented sections) with the more child-friendly action (performing a series of dances with Daisy at the helm). Mostly, though, the ride succeeds because it captures the glorious inanity of the new Mickey Mouse cartoons. The same, identity-providing, slapstick edge of those cartoons is the only thing that could’ve properly suited the first Mickey ride in the parks’ histories.
32. Gran Fiesta Tour Starring the Three Caballeros
Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway is not, however, the first attraction to feature Donald Duck. Lest we forget about the Mexico pavilion’s Gran Fiesta Tour! The main theme song from The Three Caballeros is also a jaunty tune with which to charm and croon along with guests. But while the story is not as strong as Mickey & Minnie’s (Donald essentially just wants to cheat on Daisy), Gran Fiesta Tour has one thing that the Runaway Railway does not have. That’s a gorgeous boat ride view of the San Angel Inn. The first quarter of Gran Fiesta Tour takes riders on a slow-moving float past one of Epcot’s best restaurants with the simulated nighttime of a party by Teotihuacán. It’s just so stunning! Arguably a top ten scene of any attraction at any theme park! It’s just the rest of the ride that knocks it down a couple levels. I mean, that 2007 animation technology doesn’t hold up so well when the actors aren’t looking where Donald, Panchito, and José Carioca are supposed to be. But it’s still a ride with the Three Caballeros so it’s hard to be too plussed.
31. The Cat in the Hat
A near-top thirty finish is nothing to be upset about, but the initial concept of The Cat in the Hat means it could have been much higher. A dark ride that doesn’t cater to children necessarily and instead focuses on the topsy-turvy, zany-wany antics of a Dr. Seuss madcap comedy of errors? It should be a recipe for Universal’s edgiest push past the traditions of Disney. Instead, there are moments of whiz-bang energy (a net descending on Thing 1 and Thing 2, a spinning hallway of zig-zagging lights), but not enough to enable the ride to live up to its full potential. It’s a lot of fun and perfectly accurate retelling of the book. One just cannot help but wish for a little bit more. This is not an insult! It’s a vote of faith! It’s a call to become our best selves. Isn’t that the Cat’s lesson after all? Besides, if he ever showed up at my house, I would hit him with chainsaws.
30. Men in Black: Alien Attack
Now, here’s an example of a Universal ride that maxes out its potential. It’s just that the ceiling for a Men in Black attraction is a touch lower than one based on The Cat in the Hat. (Isn’t it so fun when rides are based off books and literature? Islands of Adventure used to revolve around that with Marvel comic books, Sunday funny comic strips, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton, the Harry Potter series, and the Seussian oeuvre upon which we were all raised.) Fortunately, Alien Attack splendidly matches the winking comedy of the film, complete with plenty of grotesque, sci-fi-centric alien animatronics. Plus, it’s a highly engaging concept for a ride with an engrossing story that aptly and wisely allows guests to feel as if they are being trained in a genuine MiB unit. The entire experience is elevated even further when you ask the right team member for a backstage tour of the queue, too.
29. Slinky Dog Dash
I know you can’t read an article like this and expect to not be spoiled. But I’m really skeptical about spoiling some of the surprises that Slinky Dog Dash has in store for riders. Therefore, I will be keeping mum on some of them. But for a children’s roller coaster, Slinky Dog Dash might just be the best of its genre. It takes the proven concept of shrinking riders down to the sizes of toys and the fun of an entire attraction themed to Slinky Dog, but somehow manages to still elevate it beyond what so many Disney fans grew accustomed to through YouTube POV videos. That elevation does not come from the thrills or the speed, though. Instead, it comes from the unique fixtures. A flurry of catchphrases for the titular character. A surprising, spring-loaded, second boost. An ending that might be my favorite cap on any Disney attraction. Slinky Dog Dash might not have been worth those early queues stretching back to the Launch Bay, but it’s certainly worth a look whenever you’re at Studios now.
28. Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance
By all accounts, Rise of the Resistance should be the ride at Walt Disney World right now. By the accounts of many, it is exactly that. Just not to me. Don’t get me wrong! It’s a highly innovative and game-changing ride and yet another notch of evidence in the debate of why Disney v. Universal only boasts us as winners. There are a series of mind-blowing effects and I always treasure when a ride experience can last longer than five minutes (let alone twenty). But I think I’m just not a big enough Star Wars fan to appreciate all that the ride is trying to do. I did enjoy The Mandalorian and the original trilogy and The Last Jedi. But when I step into Galaxy’s Edge, I don’t really have any clue what’s going on. A cast member even demanded I tell him where the rebel base was. Couldn’t have told him if I wanted to! Ultimately, it comes down to the cool ride being a product of something I don’t care too deeply about. Is it shallow to say I’d be more into it if it took place during the height of Avengers: Endgame? Perhaps. But for now, I’ll appreciate the feat of both ride technology and cinematic set recreation. It deserves credit for that! It’s also crazy that I have to defend a placement at twenty-eighth. That’s a good ranking!
27. The High in the Sky Seuss Trolley Train Ride
This is mostly why I felt the need to explain myself. I can just imagine myself getting bitch slapped by Mike Rahlmann for putting the Dr. Seuss trolley ride above the latest and greatest in both theme park and Star Wars technology. Yet, I did warn you that I have an immense soft spot for the rides that give you relaxing views of an entire land. The benefit of The High in the Sky Seuss Trolley Train Ride? You also get views of all of the islands at Islands of Adventure. The ride takes you right down to the lagoon to view some Hulk coaster tracks, Popeye’s ship (the Olive, of course), a barrel roll and loop from the Velocicoaster, and more. It’s quite a lovely experience for the theme park nerd deep within me. While the trolley may have one of the most complicated and frustrating slow load processes of any ride on this list (leading to wait times that never ever dwindle over the course of the day), it has so much more going for it. Like the fact that it’s based on The Sneetches! I mean, right? Game of Thrones doesn’t have a ride, but The Sneetches does. Plus, it’s always fun to trick people into thinking it goes upside down and then watching their faces when Sylvester McMonkey McBean’s voice teases the prospect. THITSSTTR forever, baby!
26. Seven Dwarfs Mine Train
Mere moments before I wrote this blurb, my girlfriend and I watched a TikTok that ranked Seven Dwarfs Mine Train as the worst of the WDW thrill rides. To this, she pointed at the screen and said, “Yup.” So I certainly feel a bit sheepish putting this above a couple thrill rides we just talked about. In my opinion, Mine Train is the smoothest roller coaster I’ve ever been on, thanks in large part to how the track and the ride vehicles conform to one another and allow for enough pliability for the ride to be smooth, rather than simply fixed to one point. The individual vehicles moving and bobbing on their own is a fun perk, for sure. Added to a top-notch dark ride moment in which we see Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, and Doc mining for gems and you get a comprehensive ride experience that is emblematic of all the things Disney was good at during the past decade when it came to ride design. It’s a fun time! And while I may regret never riding Snow White’s Scary Adventures (I believed the title as a child and was petrified of it), it is still cool to see those classic animatronics having an eternal party all their own at the end of the ride. This was always such a thrill to obtain a FastPass for.
25. Rock ’n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith
Speaking of Disney thrill rides, while Mine Train may be the best one for the kids, Rock ’n’ Roller Coaster is the one they should most likely steer clear of. After all, it’s the one ride at Disney that goes upside down! And not just once, mind you. The zero-to-sixty launch cannot even be processed by the time you’re flipping through myriad, neon emblems of Hollywood and all things Los Angeles. There’s not much to say about the high-speed, frequently-flipping roller coaster besides that it’s really fun. But the pre-show is also a big part of the experience. Not just watching Aerosmith convince their manager to get us all backstage passes, but also watching Ken Marino man the sound speeds. Ultimately, the major detractor of the ride is the fact that Aerosmith buoys the ride’s soundtrack. Let’s get some different music in there. Taylor Swift? ABBA? The Wiggles? Jonas Brothers? Phoebe Bridgers? Let’s explore all our options here, folks. (“Sweet Emotion” is the best choice for music on the ride. “Walk This Way” is a letdown.)
24. Transformers: The Ride 3D
This might seem like an absurd choice. Many believe Transformers to be a hackneyed ripoff of the far superior Spider-Man ride next door at Universal. Many think the franchise itself is undeserving of a ride when so many more beloved properties have been axed by the Universal management. If you let go of all those preconceived notions, though, the Transformers ride has one of the best fun-to-logic ratios of any ride in Orlando. The entire queue is dedicated to Michael Bay dropping to his knees and begging all riders to understand the story of the ride. In spite of it all, I do not. There is something about an “Allspark.” I remember that word. And I know there are evil robots who want it and also good robots who want it? Far be it from me to know which ones are which, though. The entire ride is a headache-inducing blur of gray machinery, rather like the films. You’re thrown around from virtual room to virtual room on the Transformers ride and those robots (do they still become cars?) just have their way with you. Seriously. A slightly loose seatbelt will send you zipping directly into the shoulder of whomever is sitting next to you (just hope it’s a friend). You spend so much time sloshing around the ride vehicle like a dangling air freshener that you cannot follow a single detail of the ride’s story and you just hope to god Optimus Prime has your back. Fortunately, he does, and he even gets on one knee to tell you how proud of you he is when the ride ends like the father figure George Michael never knew he could have. It’s a delirious experience and totally nonsensical, but I’ve never had a bad time on it once.
23. Test Track
Whether or not you’re someone who thinks Test Track was better before its most recent renovation, it doesn’t matter. Test Track is still the same ride; it just aims to inject the falsified sensation that your design of the car actually impacts the ride experience. The technology wasn’t quite ready during that 2012 overhaul, but building your own vehicle is still a nice way to let the time in the queue pass more quickly. Besides, the real fun of Test Track is that sixty-five mile-an-hour sprint around the outside of the ride’s show building. Hot and cold tests? Sure. Brake tests? Fun to scare first-time riders. Everyone rides Test Track for that outdoor thrill, though. (Side-bar: It’s fascinating how Disney manages to make speeds that — while undeniably quick — are not outrageously fast feel like they’re the fastest experience of your life. No Disney ride goes as fast as most people go on the highway, but it always feels like they exceed that.) The benefit of having both sides of the attraction is just that it still fits into the rapidly-dissolving identity of Epcot as an educational park. We all know the pillars of education, of course: flags, oceans, farms, cars, Mars, printing presses, and Terry Crews. Once you cover those, you’re set.
22. Dinosaur
I’ve never ridden the Indiana Jones attraction at Disneyland (I’ve never been to Disneyland, in general), but if the ride technology of Dinosaur is any indication, it would assuredly be a smashing smattering of entertainment in all directions. For a while, I felt like Dinosaur had an argument as my favorite attraction at Animal Kingdom. It’s a wholly unique ride mechanism for the Orlando Disney parks in that it comes the closest to simulating what an actual ride vehicle like that would feel like in the real world. The bouncing, the speedy accelerations, the entirely unexpected drops. It’s all a result of the EMV ride vehicle that makes Dinosaur a one-of-a-kind in the Sunshine State. It’s not just an EMV for the sake of it, though. The technology actually fits the story, which always makes for an ideal ride experience. Wallace Langham’s Dr. Seeker insists on risking our lives to bring the dinosaur from Dinosaur (that’s right: Dinosaur has a ride and Tangled does not) back into our own world. The time rovers are what get us there. But, according to Seeker, “there” has to be right before meteors and asteroids wiped dinosaurs from the planet altogether. Not a great plan. And we almost don’t make it! (“I knew you would!”) It’s a heightened experience to see all the clever tricks of Disney Imagineering to make us feel like we are in the Cretaceous period and not actually in a show building that is pitch black if you don’t look where the animatronics are. I have the ride audio downloaded as an MP3 track on my phone and it came up on shuffle once during a drive home upon a bumpy, twisty road. Hearing, “Right! Left! Right! Left!” was a trip. Good thing I’m not that impressionable!
21. It’s a Small World
I’m not sure I’ll ever have the courage to drink the water on It’s a Small World like Lisa Simpson does. I’m not sure I’d be able to carry the lineage of the lizard queen either way. Apparently, though, it takes courage to ride this in the first place? Feeling insane towards the Sherman Brothers-penned theme song of the ride is a trite, non-criticism at this point. It’s like saying Avatar has no cultural footprint or that Tobey Maguire was the stronger Peter Parker while Andrew Garfield was the stronger Spider-Man. It doesn’t mean anything at this point. It’s parroted brain worms that never actually came from an original thought in the first place. It’s a Small World is a good ride and so is its song. Few things trigger as many happy sense memories for me as seeing the banner, “The happiest cruise that ever sailed the world,” when riding this long after the sun has set. It’s a world of hackneyed unity and some stereotypes that will never truly come to be, but for that eleven minute boat ride, it can exist. That’s magic. That’s why people say these theme parks can provide escapism. Ride It’s a Small World enough times and you’ll start to generate your own personal preferences, too. A stoned hippo, a foppish lion, a calypso theme in the African section, a sunset in the Australian one, leprechauns! Walt may have had his own specific, unique little visions for the parks, but his creativity was a singular one and I love seeing it shine through in rides like this one.
20. The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror
Imagine, if you will, a ride so beloved and celebrated that it becomes the icon of an entire theme park after that area’s original two emblems are removed. What else could pull it off? Maybe Space Mountain. But even then, Space Mountain is more synonymous with Tomorrowland than with the Magic Kingdom. The Tower of Terror? It has such pull and influence that it has remained in its original form at Hollywood Studios — even at the height of an era in theme parks that revolved around copying Californian rides into Floridian resorts. It happened with Fast and Furious. It happened with The Simpsons. It happened with Harry Potter and Soarin’. But not the Tower of Terror. Not when the Guardians of the Galaxy took over Disneyland’s Tower and, despite all outcry, became a genuine critical and commercial success in that building. The Tower of Terror still stands in Lake Buena Vista, complete with Rod Serling narration and all Twilight Zone Easter eggs. Really, the former is what sells it for me the most. The unpredictable drops and full-scope views are a delight (although fleeting), especially when it’s dark and on Friday the thirteenth. But the story of the ride sells it for me, with or without Kirsten Dunst. It’s immersive, sensible, and occasionally spooky. Plus, it’s complete with plenty of Serlingisms that would seem to make the ride a worthy part of Twilight Zone canon, even decades on from the original iteration. That’s all thanks to the glitz and glitter.
19. Avatar Flight of Passage
I have a weird relationship with Flight of Passage. When I’m on it and riding it, I not only feel like it’s a seminal theme park attraction; I also feel like it’s a wholly unique experience as a human being. But after it concludes, I stumble/meander away from the ride and always feel like it’s missing just a little something. I’m sure that makes me sound like a total bitch who can’t appreciate a ride that nearly every Disney fan agrees is one of the greatest things they’ve ever had the privilege of waiting in line for. Who am I to knock the last great Imagineering feat of Joe Rhode? I promise I’m not knocking it. It really is phenomenal! But it reminds me of the Avatar movie. Soaring experience that gives you a taste of something you’d otherwise never know. (For the movie, it’s immersion into another planet — Pandora. For the ride, it’s flight.) That’s valuable. That’s what catapults it into the top twenty. For me, I think it’s missing something practical. The breathing lets you feel like you’re on a Banshee (read: Ikran). The scents combine the best of Soarin’s and Mickey’s Philharmagic’s olfactory proclivities. Even Jackie Ogden finally got her PhD! But the rest of the ride is all on the screen. A beautiful, authentic screen, yes. But there’s just nothing to hold onto. It’s honestly pretty revolutionary to craft a ride that exists at its best in the moment and not just in anticipation. (I think about the Haunted Mansion way more than I think about Flight of Passage, but the latter is always unexpectedly breathtaking. I forget that!) Ultimately, I already feel pretty bad that I couched a stunning ride with caveats for its entire blurb, but I also think we all know this ride is great and there’s only so many ways to say that.
18. Revenge of the Mummy
Death! Is only the beginning! And Revenge of the Mummy is the only attraction that dares to have a quote like that. At first listen, it’s just a pretty standard, hype-inducing soundbite from the attraction’s villain. Over time and with enough semantic satiation, you might start to realize it’s a pretty dark sentiment for a theme park ride. That’s one of many quotable moments from Revenge of the Mummy, a classic Universal roller coaster that blends the best of the classic Universal monster films with the more modern Brendan Fraser/Rachel Weisz take on the property (with nary a Tom Cruise/Dark Universe in sight!). “If I’d gotten my cup of coffee!,” “Get out of here! The curse! It’s real!,” “Your souls are mine!” Adding in the fact that all these quotes from impressive animatronics (even the mummified crew assistant was built before he was wrapped) that are blended with detailed productions and practical sets and you already have a ride that is covered on theming and story development. Plus, the roller coaster elements itself are fully thrilling. From the initial queue to the fake disloading to the real final disloading (fun fact: on a backstage tour, I rode this with Murr from Impractical Jokers; I was not sure which one he was), it’s a full-on Mummy experience, whether that refers to mysterious tombs in Cairo or the faux filming of a nonexistent sequel. That first drop after the Mummy takes over the virtual ride operator is probably only paralleled by the steepest descent on Expedition Everest. Just like Fraser yells at the end of Revenge of the Mummy, you’ll be screaming while also squeaking out, “That feels good!”
17. Kilimanjaro Safaris
Kilimanjaro Safaris is a unicorn of a theme park ride. Seventy-nine other attractions on this list are constructed and designed and mapped and tested to maximize guest satisfaction. Every other ride cares only about pleasing the guest, to the point where Race Through New York actually lets us defeat the notoriously competitive Jimmy Fallon. Kilimanjaro Safaris, while meticulously considered in its path through animal sanctuaries, puts the animals before the people. If you don’t see an exotic or wild animal? Oh well. Hope you enjoyed some of the cast member’s fun facts along the way. It’s still the lengthiest ride on the list (doubly so, ever since Ellen’s Energy Adventure called it a day), so it’s not as if the queue was a waste. Plus, the beautiful vistas and the severe unlikelihood that no animals will be present ensure that. But still, if the animals aren’t feeling it, then neither will the guests. And while there’s a lot about Disney that does not impress me (strict corporate business practices/legalese, Chapek’s reluctance to support the LGBTQ+ community, their insistence on monopolizing creativity), I do immensely respect that they did not let Animal Kingdom become a malpractice and abuse-laden entertainment endeavor. The animals are not only protected; they’re prioritized. That alone earns Kilimanjaro a ton of points. But they also helped my dad when he was coming off a recent surgery in the early 2000s. And while it is cool to see animals you might not otherwise have the chance to (especially when you’re a from-a-distance wild animal lover like I am), there are moments that can transcend such an initial concept. For me, it was riding Kilimanjaro at night when a lion noticed us. He stood from his nap, waltzed to the end of his pride rock, put one paw on the very edge, and roared as the moonlight illuminated him from behind. I’ll never forget it.
16. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
The self-proclaimed “wildest ride in the wilderness” may not be the fastest or most thrilling, but it might be the most consistent. It’s a bucket of excitement no matter whether you’re in the front row, middle rows, or back row. No matter whether you’re facing forward or looking behind you. No matter whether you’re on the left track train or the right track. It always hits. Big Thunder Mountain might be the most reliable coaster down here! It’s not too extreme that re-rides can be arduous and it’s not too tame that initial rides are disappointing. It’s the Goldilocks roller coaster! It can also help pulverize kidney stones if you ever want to save money from the American healthcare system. Ultimately, Thunder is the ride that welcomed me to my Disney College Program and it’s become the most common “favorite” ride at Disney among my friends and most treasured loved ones. All of that praise being heaped, there is one thing that knocks it down a little for me: the lifts. The roller coaster itself is deeply fun! But the process it takes for the runaway mining trains to be lifted up the inclines is excruciating. An aging workhorse lift chain meets echo-laden ride clicking and screeching bats on metal during the opening to the ride. It is the most cacophony you’ll hear in Orlando. Even more than on I4 or in the Spirit terminals at MCO or in Circus McGurkus or when the dreaded Ron DeSantis decides to acknowledge the city’s existence. It is so painfully loud in that initial cave and my hearing already sucks, so I’m always dreading the moment. You can’t have a moment of dread and be in the top ten! So sorry.
15. Toy Story Mania!
It is weird that, for a while, the only two attractions for Toy Story at Disney World were interactive shooting games, right? Fortunately, Toy Story Mania! was a vast improvement over the Buzz Lightyear rogues gallery in Tomorrowland. The original toys (not the Chris Evans movies they’re based on) are all present in Toy Story Mania!, for one. For another, it’s at least somewhat clear what we’re supposed to be shooting at. And while the Space Ranger Spin mostly focuses on the slow moving track, as opposed to the titular spinning, Toy Story Mania! makes sure to whip you around for tons of base theme park fun on top of the competition with your adjacent riders. I have never won Toy Story Mania! I won Buzz a couple times with my seat-mates, be they friends or family or partners. But I’ve yet to win Toy Story Mania! I always have an exceeding amount of fun, though, and that’s what counts the most. How can you not have fun when a Don Rickles impersonator delays his heckling of you and R. Lee Ermey affirms that he is not my mother?
14. VelociCoaster
The roller coaster that promised to change everything in Orlando (and actually grew stronger in its mid-pandemic construction whereas every other new ride slowed) is, expectedly, pretty awesome. VelociCoaster, to date, is the peak of thrills at Orlando theme parks and the summit of what this rivalry has bred ever since Universal opened Hogsmeade and Hogwarts in 2010. The tit-for-tat between Universal and Disney has led to a Six Flags-esque “new ride every year” competition between the two. And we are the most prominent benefactors! VelociCoaster is nothing but pure adrenaline from start to finish. Other rides (and roller coasters, as you’ll see) are much more concerned with the balance between story and experience. That’s what separates the All-Stars from the Hall of Famers. But VelociCoaster knows exactly what it’s meant to do and it does it so well. It might be the most satisfying end-to-end experience in the state of Florida for thrill seekers. From the start (meaning, when you enter the queue), the VelociCoaster embraces the conceit of the Jurassic Park area and it makes you feel like you are in the deeply misguided theme park on Isla Nublar. From there, the standard theme park banter persists as Chris Pratt warns us not to ride and Bryce Dallas Howard insists we risk our lives. The closest feeling we have to riding a motorcycle with raptors then progresses as VelociCoaster launches all riders into immediate loops, corkscrews, and steep, near-ninety-degree slopes. The thing is, though, all these standard coaster features are accelerated throughout VelociCoaster. The loops nearly interlock; the corkscrews stretch for over five seconds; the inversions nearly plunk you into the central lagoon. All of that with just a simple lap bar, no less. No shoulder restraints! I get nervous butterflies just imagining my first ride on the coaster. I’ve never experienced anything like it! And just seconds prior, the lockers came in the middle of the queue — who knew!
13. Splash Mountain
The child version of me would be aghast to learn that Splash Mountain didn’t make the top ten, but he would also probably say, “Who’s Hagrid?” so it’s okay to admit that things change. For one, there was a very narrow window where water rides appealed to me and that window closed a long time ago. For another, I’m definitely ready for The Princess and the Frog to replace Song of the South as the ride’s theme, even if I do have naive nostalgia for Br’er Rabbit and his merry musical misadventures through the Briar Patch. Aside from that, Splash Mountain is the emblematic creation of what Disney can do at their best. It’s a lengthy ride that more than earns any wait time ascribed to it, allowing for guests to have plenty of time in the immersion of the experience, rather than being shuttled in and out as quickly as possible (rather like Mine Train). But it also earns its length, which many rides don’t always manage to do. It comes with the big, ride-heavy, exhilarating showpiece: the famous drop that has prompted millions of photo-ops. But it also comes with a few mini-thrills leading up to it, all of which are part of the unique ride experience at Disney. Unless I’m forgetting something obvious, it is Disney’s only flume ride. Yet, it also colors and deepens the definitive log flume ride experience with an engaging, fitting story and probably over a hundred impressive animatronics to flesh out the ride’s many scenery-laden sets. It balances the best of what Disney is capable of, from theming to thrills.
12. Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind
The newest ride on the list (and the one I waited to ride before publishing this article) is Walt Disney World’s first attempt at the MCU in the parks! And it met every lofty expectation I had! My girlfriend claims it’s this and Big Thunder competing for her number one spot. For me, it doesn’t quite reach the tip of the top, but it’s definitely in the upper echelon. I want to keep spoilers to a minimum, so I won’t say much. But I will say that the ride technology is everything I’ve wanted out of modern Disney roller coasters. It was awesome to experience the attraction as a completely new design for the tech, rather than anticipating what the ride would be like when it’s transposed from another country. Not to mention, the theming is immaculate and the anticipation is thrilling, thanks to the initial length of the coaster and the music used to build the fun and thrills for the guests. Many moments during the ride are among my favorite moments of any Disney ride. I just wish it was a little longer. Besides that, the introduction of Star-Lord, Gamora, Rocket, Groot, and Drax into Epcot is magically done. They belong in the park and the backstory used to explain their presence is also pretty ingenious and loaded with fun nuggets for Disney Parks fans. Loved the ride and will happily wake up at seven in the morning to snag a virtual queue for it!
11. The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man
When you slip on those 3-D glasses and allow J. Jonah Jameson’s news van door close on the side of you, you assume the risk that this could be the most dangerous night of your life — and Spider-Man’s! Fortunately, you have nice shades and you won’t need to quit your day job. But even when you turn the corner to see the Spidey signal and a few brief Stan Lee cameos, just know that things are just starting to heat up when you see the Spider-Man creative team’s first and only successful depiction of the Sinister Six on screen. You’ll be taking a dive by the end, when the action-packed joyride simulates a four hundred foot drop (this blew my mind when I’d never been on the ride, but only read about it from the Internet description as a kid). Fortunately, Spider-Man will web you to safety so you don’t get blown off the street. You’ll be in for a shock, though, when you realize that the villains won’t rest until they find a way to… wait a minute. Levitate the Statue of Liberty? What kind of plan is that? The only thing worse than Doc Oc’s aim and his haircut is his nefarious ideas of evil-doing. Quotable jokes aside, the first Spider-Man ride is still the best and the one argument in favor of Universal maintaining control over the superhero properties. It redefined the potential of theme park rides without forcing the theme parks to learn the wrong lessons from the impressive ride mechanisms and the “comic book splash page brought to life” aesthetic of the story unfolding right in front of you. Even to the point of a practical jack-o-lantern crashing through a metal wall, flames and all.
10. Expedition Everest
Joe Rohde theming. A yeti that, I believe, does possess the illusion of movement. A story well balanced enough to simultaneously make you feel like you’re part of the original journey, the new journey, and no journey at all. Many of these ticks in the Pros column have been well covered throughout this list by now. What if we focused on how Expedition Everest is brilliant enough solely as a ride/roller coaster to earn a spot in the top ten? It has three of my favorite moments of any roller coaster in the world. While it may not go as tall or as fast as some rides at Six Flags, for example, it’s more than compensated for by incorporating thrilling moments into the immersive, extensive theming of the overall Expedition Everest experience. That rush past the aforementioned yeti combines the best of the “last second” thrill of something like the Jurassic Park River Adventure without the imminent threat of being soaked. Additionally, the moment when you arrive at the torn railroad tracks only to realize that you’re about to hurtle backwards is as gripping as the actual feeling of careening backwards down the track. (Apparently, it’s a hair-raising feeling, too, as hair ties litter the sides of the tracks.) The best moment, however, is the one you can see from some of Animal Kingdom’s bumpy pathways. The steepest drop on the ride (at a stunning 250 degrees) provides such a rousing feeling within you, it’s hard not to skip off the ride with all the adrenaline that used to come from watching superhero movies at the age of six. Expedition Everest is Disney’s best modern roller coaster.
9. Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey
It’s a testament to the greatness that permeates every corridor and revolving swing of Forbidden Journey that I keep my eyes closed for roughly one-sixth of the ride’s duration and it still cracks the top nine. While Universal may have learned all the wrong lessons from its initial boom of screen-heavy rides, there were no long lessons to learn from Forbidden Journey. A seamless blend of immersive Harry Potter footage (filmed, vitally, when Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, and the entire Hogwarts cast and crew were still crystallized in the age we best remember them) and practical effects (from the Whomping Willow to the Dementors to the various, memorable Hogwarts locations), this was the ride that vaulted Universal into the modern era and made them irrevocably a match for Disney’s prowess. Essentially, Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey changed theme parks forever — and for good reason! The journey through Hogsmeade to get to the queue would be magical enough if you didn’t also parade through the Great Hall, Dumbledore’s office, and heaps of restricted sections. It is, in the purest sense, magical. Emblematic of how magic could rival the patented version across the street at the Magic Kingdom, Forbidden Journey is still more than what it represents for the industry. A behind-the-scenes clip of how the ride mechanism operates would be fascinating to watch, as we’re careened through the air— sometimes at nearly a 180 degree angle — with all the free-wheeling vitality of the moment Harry rides the broomstick Sirius gave him into an Alfonso Cuaron freeze frame. Even more than the literal Hogwarts Express and the cascading liquid gold of a hot Butterbeer, Forbidden Journey immerses guests into the beloved, globe-spanning wizarding universe. And this is all true without me ever having seen the spider sequences! My advice? Open your eyes again when Hermione calls, “Hurry on to the Quidditch pitch and watch out for the Whomping Willow!”
8. Pirates of the Caribbean
I wonder what it would be like if Disney tried to open a ride like Pirates of the Caribbean again today. Take, like, cowboys, for example. What if Disney built a dark ride in Frontierland that simply took guests on a saddle-simulating tour through a series of setpieces depicting what life was like for the white colonizers on the old frontier. No IP, no proof of concept assurances, no prior context. Just a series of nameless animatronics getting up to a dalliance of PG shenanigans. It’d be bonkers, right? Yet, the non-Fantasyland areas of the original Disney parks were laden with rides like these. I’m not one who’s against IP inherently. The parks have IP and the parks are IP now and if it leads to some version of the Magic Kingdom existing on screen then I’m all for it. It’s impossible to remove one from the other at this point. But it is cool to think that Pirates of the Caribbean also revolutionized theme parks by demonstrating that iconography could come from anywhere. It didn’t have to be bought. It could be earned by earnest storytelling and care for the craft. Of course, now we have Jack Sparrow on the ride (integrated soundly), so it’s not quite the same thing. But the entire ethos of Pirates remains the same. You spend the first quarter of the ride drifting aimlessly through a centuries-old graveyard of When Pirates Roamed the Earth. Then, a small drop down (not underground, mind you) simulates time travel as we’re suddenly thrust into the pirate battles of yore. Ships fire at one another, a local Central American community is ransacked and vandalized. Flames erupt, grimy legs dangle, a redheaded pirate reclaims her status. And, of course, a dog bites a key that would release a group of whistling pirates. (This moment also serves as one of the most adorable parts of Disney’s “Year of a Million Dreams” ad campaign that I still love to this day. Who knew I’d eventually be a cast member for one of these roles?) That’s the other beauty of Pirates of the Caribbean. Not only did it create a stellar movie franchise (trilogy, mostly), but it has an immense amount of highly famed scenes. The dog, the leg, the redhead, the skeleton still affixed to the windswept mast of an abandoned ship. It’s some of the best storytelling Disney ever achieved. (And, also, the best that water has ever smelled.)
7. Space Mountain
I’ve been seeing this bizarre Space Mountain backlash lately. Maybe it’s in the face of so many more technologically advanced roller coasters that have dotted the most recent years of theme parks in Orlando. Maybe it’s because many of Disney’s non-roller coaster attractions provide experiences that a simple track with a speeding vehicle never could. But that’s precisely why I love Space Mountain: the simplicity. Yes, it’s just a track (or two slightly different ones, rather) with speeding vehicles. Sure, you don’t have reverse launches or accelerated boosts or unexpected drops. All those things can be great, but it’s never what Space Mountain has needed to be. It’s thrived for decades on simply simulating the experience of soaring through space on a high-powered rocket. Throwing guests into total darkness (save for an astronaut-helmed lapse past the PeopleMover and the stars populating the pitch black), the ride always seems much faster than it’s actually going because every twist and every turn are unexpected and you might as well be hurtling through the abyss that is outer space. Distinctly not on a mountain (on the inside anyway; the outside is among Disney’s best ride architecture feats), Space Mountain encapsulates the promise of Tomorrowland in the sense that a futuristic city might allow for recreational travel in just such a manner. It’s fun, quick, airy (and void of air), as well as light on its feet. All of those qualities make for an unforgettable ride experience (one of the best in the world) that guests will be humming about both in and out of the star tunnels with all those wistful, full-of-promise orchestrations. (The JustDisneyThings Tumblr might as well have existed just for the star tunnel score.) I’ve never experienced anything except pure elation and camaraderie on Space Mountain. :)
6. Soarin’ Around the World
Through my entire list, placing Soarin’ in the top six might be the one that nets the most controversy for me. I know Soarin’ is not nearly as beloved as it was when it was introduced to Orlando during the fiftieth anniversary of Disneyland under a Californian theme. I know there are many haughty Disney fans who think Soarin’ is not even the best ride in the Land pavilion at Epcot. It’s totally fine to feel that way. I just never have and never will. Soarin’ remains a uniquely transcendent experience for me every single time I ride. No matter what the influence is while I’m riding! (Obviously, the front row in the middle is the best to minimize dangling feet and warped Eiffel Towers.) I remember when the ride was Soarin’ Over California and I loved it, but always wondered what it’d be like if the hang glider could soar away from the west coast and explore the entire world. Thanks to the alluring aromas of jasmine at the Taj Mahal, seaside water on the beaches of Fiji, and aloft dirt kicked by elephants at Mount Kilimanjaro, we now know what that experience is like! It’s absolutely breathtaking and, for many, the only chance they’ll have to see these iconic world wonders — especially from above. I know the majority rule experience is not as singular or special as my own ride times, but truly, I’ve never been on this ride and not had the entire boarding group applaud when the ride ends and that gorgeous orchestral score winds to a finish. Just a beautiful ride. Not to mention: the pre-show hosted by Patrick Warburton is genuinely funny! The comedic timing of “Nice work, pal” will never disappoint from the world’s best flight attendant.
5. Spaceship Earth
If you have been able to read all fifteen thousand words so far (good lord), you can thank the Phoenicians. They invented the alphabet! When I first rode Spaceship Earth in 2009, I was mesmerized by it. My fascination in the development in the best parts of life on Earth is rooted in how my mind shattered when I saw the ESPYs for the first time (2008) and the show opened with a montage of all the most memorable moments from the year in sports. I just love seeing important things grouped together. It’s why I adore “All-Star” seasons of Survivor, why the “Portals” scene from Avengers: Endgame changed my life, and why I’m making this list in the first place. Spaceship Earth is basically a highlight reel of the all the (Disney-approved) people who made an impact on this planet. Jesse Owens, Michelangelo, Steve Jobs, Susan B. Anthony. It’s a seventh grade social studies view of these people (not complex, not very diverse, gradually very American), but hey, I was in seventh grade at the time. It was impossibly cool. The moment that stuck with me was the aforementioned Phoenicians scene in the Egypt portion of how communication grew and changed and reformed over time. However, I thought Judi Dench’s narration said, “Remember how easy it was to learn your ABCs? Facto-Phoenicians: they invented them.” I didn’t hear “Thank the Phoenicians” (I still don’t), so for years, I thought Facto-Phoenicians were their own group of people. In that seventh grade class, we learned about Phoenicians; I thought Facto-Phoenicians were just a subset of them. I was dumb and still am! But I still treasure Spaceship Earth in all its rickety, impressive glory. For one, it’s a ride through the geodesic icon of the park. For another, it maintains an impressive array of animatronics recreating all that sets us apart as a species. I’ll always make time to ride Spaceship Earth if I can and if the people I’m with want to. If I’m alone? Well, I’ll make sure to save a ten-minute window for myself, just in case it ends up being the last time before it’s overhauled and Dench is replaced with, like, Alan Tudyk. I love it forever and I know it so well that I’ve ridden it with my eyes closed, just to hear every sound design moment beyond the beautiful narration. I’ve ridden it with my ears plugged just to take in the immersive, immaculate scenery. I’ve experienced Spaceship Earth all the ways a person can (the cast member tour is a story for another day) and I’ve loved it every time. My closet smelled like the Rome Burning scene for my junior year of college! I swoon when I see Michelangelo painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the Renaissance section! I truly love Spaceship Earth, a ride unquestionably worthy of the top five.
4. Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit
While this may not be as controversial as placing Soarin’ in the top six, I would reckon that seeing Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit this high (or realizing it’d be this high around the twelve-ten range) is probably surprising to many. But my job is not to predict how you’re feeling as a reader. My job is to defend the Rip Ride Rockit and celebrate why I believe it deserves a spot in the top four. Sure, it may seem like a ride that arrived with a lot of fanfare and has settled into a boring, but revelatory position at the entrance to Universal Studios. But I love when a newer, more modern ride feels as integrated into the fabric of a theme park’s identity. It feels like it’s been there as long as Men in Black! What is the theme behind the ride? Who’s to say? What is the theme of anything at Universal Studios after all? You’ve got, like, New York and San Francisco, but then Springfield and Diagon Alley. And then this one is in Hollywood, but it’s next to the Today Cafe and none of it makes sense so why bother theming it anyway? You know what the theme is? Music and the dark beige building that used to house the Blue Man Group and maybe hosted Marc Summers at one point. There’s your theme! This is probably my favorite roller coaster in the world that is not beholden to the theme of the park around it. Instead, it focuses solely on how it can maximize your thrills. The ninety degree angle at which guests rise on the track! The subsequent drop that sends you into myriad inversions! The G-force! The dangling! The screams! It’s like the peak of what a Six Flags ride can be with all the frills and creativity that a theme park at Universal’s level can provide. Not to mention the best part of the ride: You get to pick your own soundtrack! You don’t have to cross your fingers that you’ll get the third best Aerosmith song (which is also the three hundredth best song of the eighties). You can scroll through that menu and select “Bad Girls” by Donna Summer and have the time of your life whether it’s first thing in the morning or the last thing at HHN. That’s what we deserve as theme park attendees.
3. Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover
While there may not be a way to experience a grand-circle tour of the interiority of all theme parks, the PeopleMover at least allows us to take a grand-circle tour of Tomorrowland! Few ride experiences can be enjoyable as a breezy, but entertainingly lengthy tour of an entire theme park area. You get to see the ways in which various guests interact with all that Tomorrowland has to offer. Shopping in Mickey’s Star Traders, swinging by to eat at Auntie Gravity’s or the Lunching Pad, simply strolling along. You never know who you might see from the highway in the sky! But PeopleMover goes to the next level by also ensuring that part of the journey takes you inside the icons of Tomorrowland. From above, you can see guests shooting aliens on Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin. You can witness guests who are just about to begin their descent through Space Mountain (complete with an excursion in the dark). You even pass by glimpses of the Speedway and the forthcoming Tron attraction’s construction. The remaining Tomorrowland attractions also get in on the fun as Roz tells us to “keep it moving” past the Laugh Floor and the PeopleMover’s narrator, Mike Brassell, advertises the Carousel of Progress. The PeopleMover also provides a number of exclusive experiences, like a view inside a Tomorrowland hair salon, a display of Walt Disney’s original Progress City model, and an unreturned call for Mr. Morrow. Mr. Tom Morrow. (Maybe there’s potential for the PeopleMover as a way into a redo on the Tomorrowland movie?) While the PeopleMover may no longer be the fun, no-line secret of yore (TikTok and the DCP, among other mediums, have exploded its popularity) to the point of being able to ride over and over without exiting, that doesn’t take away from what made it a hidden gem in the first place. It’s one of Disney’s purest, most delightful and nostalgic creations. On a good day, it’s their very best ride.
2. Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure
One of the newest rides on the list (it opened in 2019, can you tell? It only has five words in the name, after all) is quite deserving of its place in the top two throughout the six theme parks. The classics are the classics and they’ll be forever undeniable, but sometimes a new ride does live up to the hype. Hagrid’s is unlike any attraction or roller coaster or themed ride that I’ve experienced in my life. I’m skeptical to even reveal the intricacies of the attraction out of fear that this could spoil parts of the ride for people who haven’t had a chance to ride it yet in the intervening, pandemic-laden years since it opened. So I will mention that there are spoilers to come. But man, what a trip. For one, the queue maintains the same quality of the other Wizarding lines as this one allows us to dive into Hagrid’s hut, the exterior corridors of Hogwarts, Professor Sprout’s office, and more. (Thank goodness they followed the thread of Hagrid’s creatures and not Newt Scamander’s beasts.) You even journey into the Shrieking Shack while motorbikes ride above you! And then the ride follows the thrills of when Hagrid does take Harry for a joyride through London, substituting the city for the Forbidden Forest. And somehow, while the queue reveals peaks of some of the ride’s steepest tracks and curviest banks, there are plenty of surprises for when you actually do embark on the roller coaster. That glorious ride mechanism, too, allows for two different experiences as you can either take the more laid-back, soothing sidecar role or the more involved, intense spot on the motorcycle with the handlebars themselves. It’s not just that Hagrid’s serves as a thrilling roller coaster — it does — but rather, it’s all the ways they’re able to extend the roller coaster experience into new areas of thrills. Yes, something like Rip Ride has a couple twists on the traditional coaster. But Hagrid’s is not content for one or two or even ten twists. There is something unexpected on every turn of the coaster. Before you can even process the numerous launches throughout the track (each one more fun than the last), Hagrid is suddenly in your ear to prepare you to start heading backwards. There’s drops, there’s reverses, there’s a quadruple launch. And they’re all buoyed by remarkable animatronics that showcase the best of the ride’s theme-plus-thrills chemical mixture. It’s hard to tell a story through a roller coaster, but Hagrid’s does it better than any I’ve ever seen without losing any of the fun. The way the ride can make the rider feel is also more fun than any I’ve been on. Not too propulsive and headache-inducing, but also nowhere near wishy washy. And nary a spider makes itself the focus like Forbidden Journey does! It’s, in my opinion, a perfect theme park experience. And look! There’s even a unicorn. How sweet.
1. The Haunted Mansion
I did flirt with the idea of placing Hagrid’s in the number one position. It hits on every level. Thrills, fun, storytelling, technology, innovation, surprise, affection, nostalgia. But that debate placed it squarely adjacent to The Haunted Mansion. And there really can’t be a competition there. After all, there’s something undeniable about The Haunted Mansion. Maybe the surprise factor is gone from it, sure. Maybe it’s been acutely outpaced by other, more intricate rides in terms of technology, innovation, and the Imagineers who design them. Maybe it has the fewest thrills of any ride on this list. Yet, when you talk about “it factor” or “the right stuff” or that certain, undefinable quality that elevates the love we have for things or people or experiences, The Haunted Mansion just has it. By any measurable metric or rubric, The Haunted Mansion should not be in first place. However, there is also no clearer choice for the top spot on the list. It’s the first attraction to inspire a film based on it and a reboot of that same concept (R.I.P. Guillermo del Toro’s vision). It’s the only attraction to have a fanbase so dedicated to it that wallpapers, shower curtains, and entire subreddits (among others) are devoted to The Haunted Mansion year-round — not just at Halloween. But even if it weren’t for those things, The Haunted Mansion would still be number one on my list because of all that it represents. From a personal perspective, it is the ultimate growth arc to track for my capacity to love the theme parks. I went from highly fearful at the prospect of riding it when I was a child to actively ensuring that it will be among the final rides I go on when I leave the state of Florida. Not only that, but also knowing the ride’s intricacies and dialogue by heart (“Of course, there’s always my way,” “Call in the spirits wherever they’re at,” “As long as we both shall live,” “Hurry back”). Devouring every bit of instructional content we have surrounding The Haunted Mansion (from the definitive Jason Surrell companion literature to the endless documentaries — and Muppet pivots — on it that you can find on Disney Plooos) to the point of relearning the same frightful facts over and over. Fully prepared, now, to hang the stretching portraits on the wall of whatever will become my (hopefully not haunted) forever home. The Haunted Mansion is intrinsic to Disney, but also synonymous now with my personal conception of the theme parks and their connection to who I am. For one, it is so simply Disney because it blends the humor with the heart with the ever-so-slight edge that also derives from mixing the talents and ideas of Walt Disney, Marc and Alice Davis, X Atencio, Claude Coats, Rolly Crump, and Yale Gracey (the only attraction to do it). It represents the Imagineers at the apex of their creativity, fully committed to delivering a ride experience that remains wholly unique in the world, let alone the Disney parks. (Though, variations of the ride have delighted in Paris, Shanghai, and Tokyo.) But all of this is well-known and well-regarded. The best way to explain The Haunted Mansion and why it’s the best on my list is to simply talk about what I love about it. I love that it’s among my favorite ghost stories ever told (and the stories can get deeper if you care to look). I love the pre-show in the stretching room and every chilling bit of narration. I love the art design that is unmirrored across the Magic Kingdom. I love the dancing ghosts in the ballroom. I love the simulated mansion tour experience that comes across in the ride track alone (and a bit of Paul Frees’ guidance). I love that we join the death party. I love the Hatbox Ghost in the wallpaper. I love the floating chandelier and the chill that blows by you when you see it. I love the hand lifting the crypt. I love the busts on the library shelves. I love the Doom Buggies. I love Madame Leota. I love the Ghost Host. I love The Haunted Mansion. It is everything a theme park attraction can be at its best because it deliberately focuses on what it does and it does it well without needing to check every box. The Haunted Mansion is beyond the rubric. The Haunted Mansion is beyond the theme parks of Orlando. It is timeless; it is fabric; it is phantasmagorically beloved.
Now, we’ve been on a massive journey throughout that list. And I recognize it’s vital to shift my pronoun here from I to we. I did not love riding these rides. We have loved riding these rides. All of us! They’ve welcomed millions, including some of the people I love the most. Sure, when I think of these rides, I remember specific moments and quotes. It’s easy to love the riverboat at the end of Splash Mountain or the Na’vi animatronic on the River Journey or Harry and Ron warning us that “those benches can be a bit dodgy.” It’s easy because we do love these rides.
But going through this list and describing them all, I didn’t think of the mechanisms and queues and the endless IP debate. I thought of all the memories I was lucky enough to make while riding these rides with loved ones. I won’t miss the parks themselves (okay, maybe a little). I’ll miss being at the places where so many of my favorite memories have occurred and, when I pass through the turnstiles, where we’re guaranteed to make so many more new ones.
That is, however, the best part of moving with or toward loved ones. The memories can be made anywhere. Arendelle, a haunted house, Gringotts, Jurassic Park, Tomorrowland? Orlando, in general? Of course. But geography goes far beyond central Florida. Memories are ready to be made elsewhere; the best is always still to come. So, sure, we’ll “see ya real soon,” as Mickey’s sign reads at the exit of Walt Disney World, something you can be lucky enough to see even if you’re just passing through when you live down here. But I might lean towards Universal’s farewell message instead: The Adventure Goes On. Inside those two resorts and six gates, there is endless adventure always. The memories go with us wherever we go. And where are we going? On.
