Julia Presnyakov
Nov 27, 2018 · 3 min read

Lost inside my head.
Utter confusion.

©Vera Tarlov || Place: Han River, Seoul, South Korea

It can seem that there’s an entire day full of opportunities, but once you start to check off tasks from the daily mental checklist, it seems like you will never be able to get to the 2nd or 3rd item on the list, as the 1st item execution drains out your energy entirely.

During work hours, I have managed to escape this beast that was tantalizing me on my days off.
At work, it seemed like I was doing fine, I could focus on the daily tasks and finish most of them by the end of the day.

Maybe in retrospect, I was not doing so well, I felt always so self-conscious and my clients managed to push me to my limits.
I remember numerous occasions on which I raised my voice during conversations on the phone, which was not at all typical, and there were times I was crying the entire conversation and trying miserably to disguise it.

Going forward, I was trying to analyze and understand what it is. I was scrolling through my Pinterest app, looking for some kind of an answer.

There were days I was overly joyous and other days I was so sad.
There were times I felt deep sadness for every underprivileged human being I met on my journey.
The worst part was going to public places where I came across people that provide services — such as shops and restaurant personnel, I always felt so sad for them and always noticed when they were mistreated, and it made me sad even to face them.

I don’t know if this so-called beast made me be that fragile, or maybe be it was a mixture of other reasons.

Only later I assumed, it was something I was trying to deny — depression.
People usually ask: “what made you depressed?”, that is not an easy question that one can answer lightly.
Combination of life circumstances? it might be social media, and it might be something else.

People find it strangely disorienting when a person that seems cheerful might be depressed.

People LOVE to say whatever they have on their mind, they feel so much more insightful once they sense someone else’s weakness. and that’s not all, they also start comparing their lives to yours, to see who is the one who is really suffering, when of course it’s never you, as their life is much more troublesome and YET they choose to be happy nevertheless.

I’m sorry to say, but we don’t choose to be or not to be depressed.
Once you open up about your true feelings — people like to make the following remark: “snap out of it, think positive, and do something fun”.
The only thing you can possibly reply is “Ok”, It’s easier not to argue with these “know-it-all” people because the discussion might as well turn into an argument that will never end, as you will always be wrong.

Depression is a state of mind, you can not really control it, and it seems that you can not do the usual social activities, as you’re mentally drained.
During my “bad days”- as I call them, I’m out of energy and it is hard to do any simple task.

This sneaky state of mind comes accompanied by the feelings of insignificance and dullness. You feel as if your existence is not important or as if your life is always empty and dark, and no matter what you do, it remains the same.

You might not know it, but there are people who suffer from depression but they don’t look unhappy, they might even seem well and laugh at your jokes, hence you wouldn’t ever imagine that on the inside they’re withering away.

You CAN be happy and depressed, but that means you’re not really happy, that’s the screening of your soul longing, to show people that you are ok while hiding away the truth.

Sapere Aude Incipe

Sapere Aude means Dare To Be Wise. This publication is a place for individual thinkers where ideas are free to be discussed, criticized and debated. We all feel lost in life sometimes and want to know more about ourselves and the world. Let’s find the answers together.

Julia Presnyakov

Written by

A poet ( IG — @misaeng_91) with a wandering heart.

Sapere Aude Incipe

Sapere Aude means Dare To Be Wise. This publication is a place for individual thinkers where ideas are free to be discussed, criticized and debated. We all feel lost in life sometimes and want to know more about ourselves and the world. Let’s find the answers together.

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