What If Who You Are, Isn’t Where You Should Have Been?

So many of us become invested in crafting a version of ourselves that we believe will bring us the life we want.

Whether consciously or unconsciously we tell ourselves and each other stories every day in order to construct an ideal self (and self-concept) that aligns with how we want to be seen.

Through this lens, we go about establishing our place in the world.

We become heavily invested in moulding ourselves into a form that ‘fits in’, that we find ourselves constantly taking environmental cues on everything from our behaviour to our speech.

Without even realising it, we become almost completely dependent on external validation and sometimes – if we admit it – even exhausted by it.

Because this version of ourselves is demanding and at times, uncomfortable.

Like a crab whose shell is a bit too cramped or a child in slightly-too-small-hand-me-downs.

Why do things feel so hard?

Did I do that right?

What if I can’t actually do this?

We notice our inner voice starts unhelpfully dropping questions into our consciousness. We decide to pass it off as ‘stress’ but in doing so, fail to see that it serves an important purpose – to make us stop and take a closer look at ourselves.

When we feel so consumed by the fear of failure or are so affronted when someone’s comments about us ‘hit home’, these are subtle hints that we are missing something important.

Those experiences and their effect on us allude to greater contextual understanding that we often miss (or choose to ignore) because we are deliciously, insatiably wrapped up in ego-driven pursuits.

But as long as we are motivated by ego, we are attempting to ‘fit in’. Where the ego leads you, you will never belong.

For as long as you rely on external validation to fulfill you, you will find yourself merely another actor on a crowded stage.

“All the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely players: they have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts.” Shakespeare wrote.

A stark observation of the dynamics of the human experience.

Certainly we are all players, as such, with unique motivations and desires and indeed roles to play. Mother, father, wife, husband, lover, professional, son, daughter, friend, teacher….the list goes on.

But what many of us don’t realise is that our satisfaction with our roles is generally determined by their alignment with our core values as individuals. If the role we play is aligned with what we truly believe and desire, then we will feel a strong affinity to it; a belonging within it.

If there is misalignment, then we will find ourselves dissatisfied. For all of us, dissatisfaction is uncomfortable…it tastes bitter on our tongue, it’s the annoying knot between our shoulders and the coarse hangnail on our index finger.

It permeates the air like a slightly unpleasant odour and rolls across the sky as an unwelcome cloud on an otherwise sunny day.

Dissatisfaction gnaws at us and makes us do one of two things:

• Reflect and take stock
• Seek gratification

The first route is harder work but offers greater long term reward, the second is addictive and almost always counterproductive.

As individuals we are wired to avoid cognitive strain. The path of least resistance is more attractive and consequently more frequently tread than not.

The stories we tell ourselves paint idyllic pictures in our mind’s eye that eventuate into real life storylines inside which we find ourselves always a little bit too late, or a little too lost.

When we are faced with difficult emotions like dissatisfaction, our brains point us to the most obvious solution – a new purchase, a night out, a delicious meal. And what happens when we’ve got our hit? We want MORE.

We fill up what has started as a tiny well of dissatisfaction with things that satisfy us and we feel good, for a moment. But then that feeling subsides a bit, and a bit more and we find ourselves planning our next hit.

Before we realise it, we are addicted to the gratification and because we are, we start orientating our lives around it. We develop relationships and spending habits to support it. We make a series of small (at first) decisions that enable it and then a series of big ones and before we know it we have a crippling mortgage, a premium brand car, an unsustainable amount of debt, a baby or three, and a relentless future of ‘same, same but different’ laid out in front of us for the next 10, 20, 30+ years.

And it’s THEN that we come to terms with where the pursuit of gratification has led us.

Into a deep dark hole of responsibility.

The kind of responsibility that leaves you feeling hollow and keeps you tossing restlessly under the covers at night with a lump in your throat and a tightness in your chest.

The kind of responsibility that has a price tag and a payment plan with no end date because it unapologetically demands the version of yourself that you have created…even when you realise that that person isn’t really you.

And it’s at that point that you get that sinking feeling deep down. You feel trapped, you feel confused and that old friend the ‘well of dissatisfaction’ creeps back in to the corners of your mind.

You’ve made choices that have led you here, that have now likely reduced your ability to seek further gratification. You’ve got debt or kids or a high powered job that demands far more of your time than you or your family are willing to forego and you’re finding gratification an awful lot harder to come by.

So you are forced to reflect and take stock. And man, there’s a lot of stock to take.

‘What have I done?’ You ask yourself. ‘How did I get here?’.

‘Now what?….’

You feel fear, and an undeniable sense of foreboding because you start to realise that the only person who got you here was you. The YOU that was desperate for that endorphin hit, the YOU that has been chasing dreams and Instagram likes and ended up with the supposedly ‘perfect life’.

Except you don’t fit into it any more. And it doesn’t fit you.

Because the real you…the one who started feeling dissatisfied with their life way back then, didn’t look inward. You didn’t trust yourself, or it was too hard or too uncomfortable. But now you see that this is far more uncomfortable than any of that could or would have been.

Your truth – the one you didn’t want to look at – was that you were too afraid to find and live the most authentic you. That person wasn’t just going to pop into existence like a fairy godmother when you clicked your heels. That person required honesty and vulnerability.

To live a truly satisfied life, we must live as we ARE not as we want OTHERS TO SEE US.

We have to find our purpose and we have to understand ourselves.

Through understanding, we find a life that is good for us.

Through understanding, we find compassion for those around us and connection that will truly satisfy us.

Through understanding, we feel a true sense of belonging.

If we decided to dedicate as much time to understanding our core selves and aligning our lives accordingly as we have to ego-driven pursuits, the world would be a much more contented place.

The stage is ours…we must chose our roles wisely, as we will play many parts but none so important as that of our true self.