Get your nose out of her butt.

And other weird things I’ve said to my dogs.

As a dog owner, you find yourself saying things that, out of context, might get you arrested or at least committed. Here’s just a small sample of what you’d hear me saying to my two dogs — Molly and Pepper — at any given moment.

Stop licking yourself.

Get out of the KITCHEN!

What are you eating?

Did you juice on my pillow?

Stop eating that.

You know that dog.

Spit it out.

Close the door!

Drop it.

Get you nose out of her butt.

Leave it.

Relax, it’s just the TV.

What are you doing in here?

How are you out of water again?

Get out of here.

No one likes to be licked.

Come here.

Stop licking her.

Why is the couch wet?

Stop licking me.

Don’t jump on your sister.

Don’t lay on your sister.

Can I get a kiss?

No staring!

Get off your sister.

Slow down.

Get out of the way.

Shake. Shake. Shake. Paw. Paw. Give me your paw. Your paw. Your PAW. Good girl!

Author’s note: After listing all of these, it’s a miracle my dogs haven’t killed me in my sleep.

Said something seriously crazy to your dog? Leave it in the comments.