Surviving the sidewalk.
Defying death one block at a time.
A big city’s streets can be wrought with danger. Smoke-spewing buses blowing through red lights. Cabs who don’t believe in the concept of lanes. Lyft and Uber drivers just generally putting everyone’s life at risk. But these terrors pale in comparison to the true danger out there — the city sidewalk.
Skeptical? I get it. Sidewalks aren’t a sexy scare. But if, like me, you’ve dared to swim upstream against the 5pm commuter crowd…you’ve faced death and lived to tell about it.
Don’t fret, though. The sidewalk and its denizens can be defeated. With nearly 40 years of experience in the art of foot travel, I’ve developed both passive and passive aggressive methods to win the sidewalk wars.
#1: The Texter
Smart phones created dumb walkers. Every street is just wave after wave of people barreling blindly towards you with their heads buried in their phones.
Passive: A quick foot scuff usually grabs their attention and avoids a collision.
Passive aggressive: Plant your feet and prepare your look of indignation when they slam into you.
#2: The Love Birds
For some lucky couples, their love is so strong it melts their hands together. This is great for long walks on the beach and terrible for sidewalks.
Passive: Step to the side, put your hands to your heart and just smile at them as they pass.
Passive aggressive: Pretend you’re on the phone and say, “Did you know the average human hand is 90% fecal matter?”
#3: The Five Wide
This group seems to be perpetually filming a slow-motion walking scene.
Passive: Slow clap.
Passive aggressive: Push through them screaming “Ben Affleck should have stayed with the bomb! RIP Harry!!!”
#4: The Tourist
Ever been minding your own business walking behind someone and suddenly they stop to look up and you slam into them? Yep. The worst.
Passive: Beg their pardon while explaining Newton’s 3 Laws of Motion.
Passive aggressive: Beg their pardon and offer incorrect directions to a popular landmark.
Bonus: The Biker
Easily the most dangerous and infuriating person you will encounter. 90% appear to riding for the first time. 100% are angry you’re in their way.
Passive: Dive out of the way.
Passive aggressive: Dive out of the way. 15 minutes later come up with the sick burn, “Sidewalks are for walking!!”
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Safe travels, fellow sidewalkers. Safe travels.
