6 Tips for Surviving 6 Months on $600 — You Won’t Believe #1–6

The Potential Second “Stimulus” Is Just What We Need

Matt Fotis
Dec 17, 2020 · 3 min read

Congress is furiously working on a second stimulus package. Well, technically House Democrats already passed several additional relief packages, but this time Republicans are pretending to care…about corporate liability shields…and additional corporate tax cuts. The good news is we might all be getting $600…after nine months of a global pandemic…that’s killed over 300,000 Americans…and put tens of millions out of work…$600…to make it through the next 6 months…or pay bills from the last eight months. $600.

$600.

Maybe.

$600.

If Mitch says it’s okay.

I don’t know about you, but that $600 is going to last me forever! In case you are struggling to figure out how to survive on such a big check or what to do with all of your surplus cash (plus all that leftover money from the first $1,200 that was supposed to last for eight months), here are 6 survival tips:

  1. Stop eating so much! Do you really need to eat multiple times a day? We all know the key to homeownership is cutting out coffee and avocado toast, or being born rich…mostly being born rich, but have you tried not eating at all on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Food insecurity in America is at an all-time high. People are starving. Food banks are running out of food. Lines are miles long. But don’t worry — it’s all going to be solved by a one-time $600 check…that we may or may not get. $600.
  2. Work harder. Everyone knows your financial success is solely dependent on how hard you work, or being born rich…mostly being born rich, so work harder! That’s especially true during pandemics. Have you thought about just working harder during all of this? So get those bootstraps ready because you are about to do some serious pulling yourself up!
  3. Stop using so much heat and electricity! People didn’t have electricity for centuries, do you really need it now? Didn’t you save up all that excess heat from the summer? C’mon, winter isn’t going to last forever, but if you follow these tips that $600 just might!
  4. Want success more. Jared Kushner’s key to success is just wanting it more, or being born rich…mostly being born rich. Have you tried just wanting it more? Or being born rich? When you’re lying awake at night worried about how you’re going to cover your bills and keep your family safe and secure, have you thought about just wanting it more? It seems so obvious when you say it out loud! I know when my mortgage comes due every month I pay that bill with sheer force of will.
  5. Become a corporation. Want Republicans to care about you? Be born rich. What about tax cuts, rebates, and all sorts of loopholes made just for you? Be born rich. If you weren’t born rich, then become a corporation! You can’t expect the government to help you by using your tax dollars on stuff you need to survive— that’s socialism. But you can expect them to help giant corporations and people born rich — that’s freedom!
  6. Already have been rich pre-pandemic. I know this is a little bit of woulda, coulda, shoulda but every financial guru will tell you the best way to navigate your finances is to make a budget, live within your means, and be born rich…mostly be born rich. So try going back in time and being born into a wealthy family. That inheritance isn’t going to earn itself!

So, there you have it. No more worries about stretching your $600…if we even get that! Fingers crossed!

Satire & The State

Political satire

Matt Fotis

Written by

Theatre professor, author, playwright, dad, husband, and other stuff. Comedy, parenthood, and politics. www.mattfotis.com @mattfotis

Satire & The State

Exploring the relationship between power and comedy.

Matt Fotis

Written by

Theatre professor, author, playwright, dad, husband, and other stuff. Comedy, parenthood, and politics. www.mattfotis.com @mattfotis

Satire & The State

Exploring the relationship between power and comedy.

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