An Open Letter from the 25th Amendment
Hi. It’s me, the 25th Amendment. It’s been awhile. You’ve probably heard me bandying about the past couple of years — it’s been a wild ride of incompetence, grift, and fraud — but now it’s time. What’s that little yoda guy in the helmet always saying? “This is the way?”
I know I don’t have the panache of the 1st, the ardent following of the 2nd, or even the mystery of the 7th — I bet you went to go look up the 7th just now — trial by jury FOREVER mother-pluckers!!! I’m not sure what the problem is. Maybe you thought the Constitution stopped at 24 amendments or somehow skipped over me and went straight to 26? I don’t know. I mean, what could you possibly be waiting for at this point?
I get it. I don’t really give you any rights. I’m pretty far down the list. I’ve only been used six times. It’s been awhile since the last time I was invoked — W invoked me for a colonoscopy, not exactly saving the Union stuff. But, c’mon, how’s about now? I’ve been waiting over 50 years for this moment.
Look, I understand. I’m just an amendment, so what do I know? But it seems to me that when the person sitting in the Oval Office is demanding he won an election he clearly lost (like by a lot), ignoring a pandemic that’s killed over 315,000 Americans, defrauding his followers of millions of dollars during an economic crisis, ignoring a massive Russian cyber-attack, and, you know, discussing a military coup…sorry, let me say that one more time since you seem to be taking it in stride — A MILITARY COUP — maybe now’s a good time to invoke me.
Mike Pence, hey, how are you? Good. Listen, we both agree you suck. And now that you’ve gotten the vaccine before front line workers even though you’ve basically been pro-virus this whole time, let’s do something good for a change. You can “immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President.” Pretty cool, right?
Think about all the not-bad stuff you could finally do. Not only would you remove a lunatic who is burning down the house, you could actually do something to help people on your way out. I know that’s a complete 180 for you and a bit out of your comfort zone, but you could do a lot of good and save a lot of lives. For instance, you could appoint someone competent to be head of the coronavirus task force, you know, someone not named Mike Pence. Burn!
I’m just an amendment. I’ll leave the governing to you. But if you’re not going to use me now, then what’s the point?
This is the way.