Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present & Future Fired for Poor Performance

“When you go ‘0-for-a-century’ it’s time for a change”

Matt Fotis
Dec 23, 2020 · 4 min read

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future won’t be visiting any miserly millionaires this Christmas Eve. In a somewhat surprising move, the three ghosts have been fired for poor performance.

While the trio gained notoriety for visiting Ebenezer Scrooge and convincing him to be less of an asshole in the 19th century, they have proven less effective in recent years.

A high ranking official speaking on the condition of anonymity clarified the move, “After visiting millions of wealthy old men over nearly a century-and-a-half of Christmas Eves, the trio has only convinced one man to change his behavior. Just one. While that speaks volumes about our society and values, it’s also not consistent with our bottom line. That type of job performance is simply unacceptable.”

Experts point to the mere existence of men like Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Charles Koch as proof that the ghosts just aren’t getting the job done. “I get not being able to sway Mark Zuckerberg, I mean, obviously, c’mon,” said Dr. Alisha Hughes, Assistant Professor of Economics at Stanford University. “But if the ghosts were truly effective, those other three billionaires and many more like them would be making very different choices. Bezos has hundreds of billions of dollars — inconceivable wealth — and he doesn’t even let his employees go to the bathroom. You think he’s worried about ending up like Jacob Marley?”

Billionaires like Bezos, Musk, and Koch have added substantially to their already vast fortunes during the global pandemic and economic crisis. As of December 1st, America’s 614 billionaires added over $931 billion dollars to their fortunes during the crisis, while millions of people across the world struggle to obtain basic necessities. The crisis and economic fallout has pushed wealth inequality to unprecedented levels.

The Ghost of Christmas Future saw the move coming for some time. “I mean, I am technically from the future,” the ghost stated. “Look at the world right now. It’s hard to get rich old men to care about other people. Look at what Mitch McConnell and the Republicans are doing. It took nine months to get them to go up to $600…in the middle of a global pandemic?!? They wanted to give people nothing. This point seems to be lost on a lot of people — Senate Republicans wanted to give people $0 during the worst crisis of their lifetimes. It’s just gotten to be too difficult. I’m sad, but honestly, I’m a bit relieved. This level of greed and selfishness is not going to end well. Trust me, I’m from the future.”

The Ghost of Christmas Past was upset, but not surprised by the move. “It started back in the 80s with Reagan and trickle-down economics. Why you guys keep pretending that works is beyond me. Giving rich people more money is kind of the opposite of what we’re trying to do here, but your friend from high school is hell bent that any tax on a rich person is theft. But the final nail was in 2016. Once they elected Trump I knew it was over. That’s the type of guy we were supposed to change, but here he was being rewarded for his selfish behavior. We went to see him dozens of times and all he did was complain that I wasn’t hot enough. First of all, that’s a damn lie. Everyone knows I’m the sexy ghost. Future’s fun, present is practical, and past is sexy — common knowledge. More importantly, how are we supposed to change others when someone like that is elevated to the most powerful position on the planet?”

The Ghost of Christmas Present was likewise expecting the move. “Just yesterday you had Mike Pence, the Vice President of the United States, say that Democrats ‘want to make rich people poorer, and poor people more comfortable.’ He said that with a straight face. He literally said using the country’s unprecedented wealth to make poor people less miserable was a bad thing. That’s my only job! That’s what the three ghosts do — convince rich people to use some of their immense wealth to make the lives of poor people slightly less miserable. FFS, that’s the entire plot of A Christmas Carol. So am I surprised I can’t convince rich people to be less greedy? No, I’m not.”

The future of the three ghosts is unclear. Speculation for their replacements has already begun, though several prominent replacements like Bernie Sanders have removed their names from consideration. “I’m still alive,” proclaimed Sanders. “Wait, do you know something I don’t?”

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