Presidential Debate Opts Out of Next Presidential Debate

“I Can’t Do That Again”

Matt Fotis
Sep 30, 2020 · 2 min read

Following the contentious first presidential debate between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, the presidential debate itself has opted out of future debates.

“Look,” said the debate, “I have a long history. Remember the Lincoln-Douglas debates? Or Richard Nixon’s lip sweat? Or what about the time Ronald Regan made that great joke about his age? I’m even okay with some Ross Perot level weirdness or Al Gore boringness — that’s the stuff I was made for. Not whatever the hell happened last night.”

The first debate was like no other presidential debate in history, with an angry and petulant President Trump continuously interrupting and interjecting. He defended white nationalists, slandered Biden’s dead son, and repeated a greatest hits of his lies from the economy to coronavirus to China. “Telling the Proud Boys to standby? No way, that’s not what I’m for,” said an obviously frustrated debate. “I’m for vaguely laying out plans, pithy quips, and soundbites that can be used out of context in future political ads.” After a long pause in which the debate was clearly trying to keep itself from rage crying, it said, “I just can’t do it again. Can debates drink? Is scotch good for existential pain? Can someone pass me some scotch?”

Former Vice President Biden at times seemed overwhelmed with Trump’s onslaught, as did the moderator, Fox News’s Chris Wallace. “Has that guy ever stopped anyone from talking before? Has he ever had to tell two little kids to be quiet and stop fighting? How hard is it to say, ‘Hey, shut the fuck up for a minute.’ If we do this again in the future — and that’s a BIG IF — it has to be moderated by a mother-of-three middle school geometry teacher. That’s non-negotiable.”

President Trump’s campaign responded to the debates opting out, saying, “It just goes to show you the entire world has a liberal bias against President Trump. Even the debate format can’t handle how much winning this president does. Maybe next time the debate should take a drug test? Sad!”

Biden’s team, along with the rest of America, was still trying to figure out how in the hell this guy became president in the first place.

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