The Socialist Professor’s Guide to Brainwashing Your Students
Look, the jig is up. We tried for decades to brainwash students to be communists, but it didn’t work. The Soviets just couldn’t hold up their end of the deal (#ThanksReagan). So, we’ve opted in recent years to go for socialism. We thought it would be easy, because it is true that liberal professors outnumber conservative professors by a pretty wide margin (though the highest percentage of professors in the study self-identify as “moderate”). But little did we know that great conservative thinkers like Ben Shapiro, Charlie Kirk, and the one and only Candace Owens are hot on our trails! Even the most unqualified Secretary of Education ever, Betsy DeVos, is on to us! If she can figure it out, we’re in trouble. So, before they shut me down, let me give you my tips for brainwashing your students.
First, never remind your students that they just spent twelve years in a public school. If you teach at a state school, just ignore that fact. If they put two-and-two together, they might start to think that socialism is already in America! Encourage them not to look at their financial aid package, because they might just find some federal grants, and we can’t have them thinking socialism exists before they enter our classroom. While we’re at it, make sure they never ask a friend in a foreign country or any international students how much college or…
