What happens when you doubt everything about yourself?
I struggle with self-confidence. It’s a never ending parasite on my emotional wellbeing, which then seeps into every other aspect of my well being.
By many standards I have no reason to struggle with this doubt. I have a relatively successful career, a handful of friends, a happy family, health, money in the bank, my life is pretty well put together. Through the grace of God, I’ve done well to build a respectable life.
But every step of the way has been riddled with the weight of self-doubt. Every step of the way I’ve felt incapable, undeserving, impotent, and like an outsider.
The list of things I doubt about myself is endless. I’ve always limited myself, not believing I can hang with the big boys, and that I’m just not like others. This is seen in the way I engage at social events, how I show up in work, how I exercise, and even with my wife in the bedroom.
So what do I do?
Well, mostly wallow in self-pity, shut down and mope.
What should I do?
As a Christian, I hear the best thing is likely to pray and go to God’s word. Here’s my journey.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” ~ Psalm 139:13-14
Well that’s well and good, except, I actually think I may have been made as a self-deprecating oaf or that perhaps I’m so broken that I can’t see the wonderful works within me. Or maybe I’m wonderfully made in a “bless your heart” kind of way. Is it that I have expectations beyond what I was created for?
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” ~ 2 Corinthians 9
In theory, yes, your grace is sufficient, and I’m grateful that your power is made perfect in my weakness. But why does it always have to be my weakness? What if it’s all weakness? Even worse, what if I don’t feel your power and can’t pull myself out? I don’t feel that comfort of your grace when I’m spiraling so much that all I can hear are shouts of self-hatred.
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
I don’t feel that, does that mean I don’t have the Spirit? Am I doing this wrong? Is it that I don’t believe, therefore I don’t give the effort needed?
I’m terrified of being normal; of being average, but apparently not scared enough to truly do something about it. Is that why I can’t hear the Spirit?
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9
Ay, now I’m breaking a command, that’s great, go ahead and pile more on. I am discouraged, I am afraid, what am I supposed to do now? God is with me? Where? Is He just hanging out watching me struggle? Maybe I’m not worth it, He’s given up.
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. ~ Galatian 1:10
But it’s the approval of man that I can see, and feel, and experience when I fail. It’s the approval of man that I know I’m not going to get. It’s the approval of man that pays my bills. It’s man that doesn’t respond to my texts, or secretly judges me behind my back. It’s man that searches the room when talking to me, vying for any escape necessary. If I am to serve Christ, am I not to convince man that he needs Him? I can barely get the butcher to acknowledge me when I ask for bacon.
It’s so hard to get out of the traps the devil ensnares us with. It’s a heat seeking snowball of muck that adds onto itself as it picks up speed, looking for any ember of self-doubt, grabbing it for the ride and building on it until it finds the next thing to bring in. For me sometimes, and maybe you, the cycle can start easily and build quickly. And while in the moment it feels like things will stay this way forever, they don’t.
I usually try to find solace in The Bible, and let that guide me, but when I’m in the thick of it, the words either fall flat or ramp up the ridicule.
So what do I do?
What does help is to slow down, breathe, and write or talk to God as if He’s right next to me. Like He’s sitting there or walking beside me, just listening, and taking it all. I don’t expect much from it either. Partly because when I’m in this mess, I don’t usually feel God, and partly because it’s through letting go of expectations that I can actually let go of my angst.
I wish I could say that after sitting and writing or talking to God in solitude, I always hear a whisper telling that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I do, in the form of a line of scripture, or some insight, but other times I just finish and walk away.
What I can say is that every time I finish with a greater appreciation. I imagine it’s how the psalmists felt when composing their laments. For whatever reason, going to God with my worries has a heart shifting effect where I come away more trusting, and more grateful to be called His son.
So what happens when I doubt everything about myself?
I still go to God. I tell Him everything that’s on my mind, and I plead for answers, pray for help, ask for demons to be cast away. And then…I trust in Him.
