Cure to Chaos
Lost in details. Lost in space. Lost in time. What do you do?
I live my life day to day, victimized by my emotions.
“Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.” — Robert Frost
I try as hard as I can to control them, to direct them, but ultimately give in. I must admit that they are as much a part of me as any physical attribute. Sometimes having a physical difference is good, such as having an exceptionally or uniquely attractive face. But sometimes they can be largely a deformity. My inner world is broken and often shrouded in darkness. I often have trouble finding the beauty within.
My feelings usually only serve to torment me.
“The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do.” — Rorschach
When sadness overtakes, I become distant, forlorn. The shell of my self seems only to exist in this world superficially. My inner-self becomes trapped, whose voice only an echo of it’s past self. Fading on the wind.
The world itself takes on a negative hue, negative emotions tainting every interaction. The sun’s rays fade from view. An innocent smile from a friend becomes a loathed sense of resentment. Common niceties become regular annoyances. The very act of moving, making choices, and many other actions taken for granted, become agonizing. It becomes a struggle against futility to eat, breath, or even sleep. It is a veritable nihilistic paradise.
“ I know better, but those feelings don’t give a damn. My only defense is to amuse myself at these feelings, to take them out of myself and look at them for what they are: unwanted memories that I simply have to ignore.”
The power of (un)kindness
My life ceases to have meaning.
“Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone …” — Terry Bisson
I try to pry myself from this disgusting state of mind. I know deep down that such thoughts are useless and unnecessary. That feeling this way is largely unmerited. I try to have a good outlook on life. I try to see the silver-lining and appreciate that I am alive. But the negative emotions are self perpetuating. It takes ever stronger senses of happiness, or substantial doses of caffeine, to drag me away from the negative feelings.
Good feelings, how much I miss you.
The answer to the riddle of warmth, is to be someone else’s sun.
Love is one of those things, love and true companionship. Having someone I can be fully comfortable with, and be close to, is the cure to this state of mind. The contact of another, feeling not alone, and all those positive emotions cancel out the sadness. The elation of having someone to care about trumps all these horrible feelings.
It is like being high.
Only thing keeping me sane some days is what I do on twitter. Reaching out to others in the chaos we call living. I develop a strong bond if only so that I might get the benefit of feeling not-alone.
Thank you for helping me be happy.
