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10 GIFs, One Big Wrinkle

Tom Rittenhouse and Jason Mallory Review 10 GIFs From the Trailer for ‘A Wrinkle in Time’

What’s up, Tom! Welcome to our series where we cut 10 GIFs from a movie trailer and discuss them with a guest! For this edition, we’re taking a closer look at the GIFs of A Wrinkle in Time!

First of all, this is one of my favorite books of all time — as a nerdy kid who thought he was ready to fight the ultimate evil in an alternate dimension yet was also bullied daily and enjoyed a weird frenemy relationship with his bully over a shared love of Garfield compilations, this was the perfect book for me. So I’m very excited to see this movie, and very excited to share this first GIF with you.

GIF #1: “Activia® Probiotic Yogurt”

Tom, I know we’re supposed to get an eerie feeling of otherworldliness from this shot (and I do) but I also get the urge to enjoy every moment and feel good from within, as instructed by the website for Activia® Probiotic Yogurt. Take charge of your day with Activia® “A Wrinkle in Lime” flavored yogurt. What does this shot of Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who, and Mrs. Which in a field make you think of??

Hey Jason, I’ve always loved your yogurt-centric POV. It’s weird but 100% you, and nobody can touch that. For me I just wonder why they spaced themselves apart that way. Here’s this massive field and then all of a sudden, whoa, here are these three very cool spirit goddesses things! But their equidistance troubles me. Were they like “let’s not stand right next to each other, let’s space it out”? Because then I’d think that they’re a bit superficial, which is the opposite of spiritual — time goddesses don’t get in their own heads like that. And then I’d be like “nah I don’t need to listen to them, they’re dealing with their own stuff right now.” So now I’m back to square one. Am I doing this right, Jason?

The only way to do any of this right is to enjoy every moment and feel good within™. As far as all this equidistant standing goes, it’s a little thing called blocking, Tom — a word as sweet as honey to every theatre major and as tart as Activia® to every creep who’s ever tried to slide into the DMs and gotten blocked. Speaking of getting blocked, could you stand exactly ten feet to my right while we face forward and look at our next GIF?

GIF #2: “Chris Pine’s Tangerine Dream”

When animated GIFs were invented people were like “cool! This is better than a picture!” And then you bring me this GIF and I’m like “are we entering into a postmodern era of GIFs?” At first glance it looks like a still image of a sexy, unkempt man goofin’ like Porky Pig in front of the Looney Toons background. But if you look closely you can see that Chris Pine’s right arm is slightly jerking himself off under the frame. That’s what’s so cool about modern GIFs. In the olden days you have to settle for some gross, gratuitous, in-your-face representation of a man pleasuring himself. Yuck! But in today’s Graphics Interchange Format (GIF) landscape, you get America’s sweetheart doing a furtive jork and buttoning the whole thing with a “th-thee-th-thee-th-that’s all, folks!” It’s very refreshing.

Well, I guess this is one pig who WON’T be crying “wee wee wee’ all the way home! Tom, I admit that this GIF is a little understated — that its nuance and subtleties may go unnoticed by a GIF neophyte such as yourself who cries, “he’s jerking off, everybody!” in a crowded theater at the Wrinkle in Time premiere (I assume Oprah is sending us tickets after she reads this).

But yeah, I think you called it: Secretly Masturbating Chris Pine = Porky Pig’s Looney Tunes sign-off. The math checks out, dude! Hell, we could start our own type of math just using this one equation as the jumping off point. If one Porky Pig Looney Tunes sign-off = one Dick Wolf “howling wolf sound” Law & Order: Special Victims Unit closing tag, then how many Masturbating Chris Pines would you need to finish an entire season of Lifetime’s Devious Maids??

The world may never know, and we may never know why Mindy Kaling is running around with all these flowers in our next GIF!

GIF #3: “Kaling all sentient flowers”

My God, has it only been three GIFs?? Here’s the real wrinkle in time — the incredible amount of time it takes to write about these GIFs!

There’s product placement and then there’s doing a full-on commercial for Claritin. I’m really worried about this film. What do Mindy Kaling’s allergies have to do with A Wrinkle? Or Time? Let alone A Wrinkle IN Time! All this corporate placating is making me physically ill. My eyes are watery, my nose is runny. Jason, please point me to the nearest #1 Doctor Recommended Non-Drowsy Oral Allergy Brand.

Unlike its freaky mind-altering cousin Benadryl, Claritin helps my allergies without also opening the doors of perception, Tom — which is why I’m giving it the “Most Sensible Allergy Medicine 2018” award. Come to think of it, maybe this whole movie is one crazy Benadryl trip. Hell, maybe this “Most Sensible Allergy Medicine 2018” trophy I’m holding isn’t even real and is also the product of taking Benadryl. It’s like they say in the Benadryl jingle:

“One pill makes you wrinkle / And one pill makes you time / And the ones that Mindy gives you / Don’t do anything at all / Go ask Oprah / When she’s ten feet tall”

You get it, Tom — you’re into expanding your consciousness and all that stuff. So expand your mind with a GIF of this freaky ass creature from A Wrinkle in Time:

GIF #4: “Be Careful Who You Call Ugly In Middle School”

Damn, dawg. Do my eyes deceive me or does Jessica Rabbit have a sister who is an artichoke? This is the kind of thing that either makes you go full vegan or full the-meat-version-of-vegan. I love how extreme this movie definitely is based on the four GIFs I’ve seen so far. No apologies. Just loop upon loop of things I’d never expect to be DTF. But I’m experienced enough to know that this is definitely a look-don’t-touch scenario. You get caught with one finger on those steamy petals and Jolly Green Giant gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed.

Looks like this Cabbage Patch Kid is now a Cabbage Patch KWEEN! And I’m just over here like, “Shady, wait a minute, that’s my girl, dog!” Which, of course leads me to our next GIF:

GIF #5: “Final Fantasy XV DLC”

“YOU get a Chocobo, YOU get a Chocobo, everybody gets a CHOCOBO!!”

It just went from zero to Dragonball O real quick. One thing I always appreciate about Queen Winfrey’s work is that no matter what character she plays it will always be less powerful than her real life self. For example, sure the EDM goddess she’s portraying here can manipulate time through disgusting bass drops, but can she make a Volvo XC90 appear under everyone’s seat? Didn’t think so. And that’s bigger than ANY wrinkle or ANY time. Oprah will never die and obviously this book/movie is about her and OH MY GOD HOW AM I JUST NOW REALIZING ALL OF THIS?!

Yeah, Tom — it’s a mindfuck and we’ve all been dealing with it for years. Here’s my impression of how it feels inside my brain when I try to comprehend Oprah’s omnipotence:

GIF #6: “Michael Douglas Presents “Falling Down 2: This Time a Kid Falls Down!”

Not pictured: the Minions balloon that caused this whole mess.

I know I’m about to sound crazy here, but this is obviously director Ava Duvernay’s nod to the Millenial Struggle™. This young man has just been thrust from his comfy nest into a bottomless job market void. Sure it looks nice from afar, but the reality of that lush Career Peninsula® is a lifelong plummet with a pocketful of student loans. When you finally come back down to earth you’re in your late 30s, broken, sand in your crevices, and your only sense of pride is that you’re “never having kids.” I guess life IS a beach. Hey Jason, this one bummed me out. GIF me a fun one now!

GIF #7: “Who is She”

I’m more taken aback by his tracksuit than his red eyes. Is this a fun GIF? When does a GIF become fun? How much fun can a GIF be? Is there a maximum level of fun that a GIF can bring a human being without being a porn GIF? I don’t know, Tom — I don’t know if we’ll ever test the limits of human GIF-produced fun. How would you even measure how much fun you’re having looking at a GIF?

Now we’re talking! Alright, Jason, for me the thing that stands out the most is here is this freaky Dr. Candybags rocking a butterfly mustache, Fruit Stripes evening wear, red eyes, and sunglasses that are also competitive swim goggles, and he’s all like “what the funk is that I see?” I mean it’s got to take a whole lot for a character like him to drop shades like that. Sure I wanna know more about this gentleman who clearly managed to talk his way into getting a PhD in Coachella Studies, but I REALLY wanna know what he’s peepin’! Can I get an MDMAmen!?

He’s actually looking at a can of Key Lime La Croix. It’s a little stronger than regular La Croix but I love key lime pie so I don’t mind the less subtle overtones of this brash new flavor. Actually, if the camera in this GIF could pan back it would reveal that his jacket says “L.A. Boys LOVE L.A. Croix” What does your jacket say, Tom? Something about this next GIF??!

GIF #8: “A Trip to the Apple Store”

My jacket’s bedazzled “Call Out Culture” because I’m about to roll these trolls. Again, I’ve never read the book, but I’m assuming these shitheads represent the patriarchy. Sure they’re acknowledging the glass ceiling, but they’re doing it all shitty, like “oh thiiiiiis glass ceiling?” and they frolic all over it. I wouldn’t be surprised if all of their dialogue started with “Actually…” I hope Reese Witherspoon throws them in a vat of toxic masculinity.

Actually… these kids are SQUASHING the patriarchy and using their patriarch molecules to form invisible steps to climb the staircase to OPRAH’S PRESIDENCY, Tom! Yeah, it’s a “wrinkle in time” — as in it’s “time” for the “wrinkly” old ball sacs of the patriarchy to step aside!

You can’t tell from this GIF, but Oprah is at the top of this staircase and she’s got Trump in a headlock.

GIF #9: “weather-related joke”

This is the classic modern struggle. All too often do we forsake our human instincts for some flashy technology. I’m no lip reader, but it’s obvious this girl is asking “Do I need a rain jacket?” To which the boy responds, “Ok Google, does she need a rain jacket?” For crying out loud, kids, this is obviously umbrella weather! Idiots.

We got a Google Home speaker in our house. We treat it like a straight up dummy. It doesn’t really work with any of our other Apple devices, so it just interjects into the conversation when it thinks someone is talking to it, which no one EVER IS. “Shut up, DUMMY!” I often yell at our Google Home speaker. Honestly, I should just unplug it since all it does is listen, Tom. Just listening and waiting. Filing away every instance I scream “NO ONE IS TALKING TO YOU, YOU IDIOT MACHINE” at it for later use. I mean, it’s just tied to my Google account, which is only the account I use for everything in my life, no big deal. I guess what I’m saying, Tom, is be mean to your robots while you can. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, so to speak. “Hey Google, gather these rosebuds!” And while you’ve got a big old stack of rosebuds why don’t you smoke one for our trippy, mind-blowing, reality-bending FINAL GIF!!!

GIF #10: “Jeff Sessions Wants to Outlaw This GIF Because He Thinks Weed is in It”

What a benign GIF you’ve selected to end this journey. We’ve seen hot plant monster babes and pervy Chris Pines. We’ve seen very scary weather and even Oprah tha Everliving. It’s been a high-octane, exotic feast for the eyes. Yet in our finale, we’re brought home to a simple, understated tale that speaks to an experience every single one of us has had: trespassing through a garden on a mission to assassinate our neighbor who’s been secretly building a nuclear death cannon made to look like a weather vane pointed directly at the local elementary school and will fire when the wind blows due north. I guess the truth is stranger than fiction and that means this movie is gonna be real good.

Thanks for asking me to explore all of these cool GIFs, Jason. I told my therapist that I don’t need to see her for a while because of the profound effect this exercise had on me. She is very worried about me, but that’s her problem. I’m gonna Freud-out on an artichoke!

Well, Tom—it’s been a long, strange journey through all these GIFs! Maybe I’m just a dreamer, but I think we may have changed a few lives and made some quick cash on Bitcoin in the process.

Au revoir, GIFs! Au revoir, Oprah! Au revoir, Tom, may you have as many wrinkles in time as in your shirt, and please remember: “L.A. Boys LOVE L.A. Croix!!”



Comedy Pop Culture Commentary on Movies and Music

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