2 Flat 2 Be Lined: From Flatliners to Furryliners
A Conversation with Travis Broyles About the Flatliners Reboot
What’s up, Travis! You ever know anyone who died and came back to life? My mom went on a few dates with a dude in the 90’s who had a heart attack and said he saw the afterlife. But you’re probably not interested in what he said he saw — he was some middle-aged man in the 90's! What could his afterlife possibly have been? ALF re-enacting the Gordon Gekko “Greed is Good” speech from Wall Street? Tell it to Aaron Sorkin, old man!
Anyway, here’s a song I wrote about Flatliners set to the tune of “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner
Well, I’m Flatlining, flatline and see
I got a line about as flat as can be!
Ellen Page, pierce the veil of death?
I’m flatlining, flatlining!
You know what a good album cover for “Hot Blooded” would be? An old vampire woman suing Vampire McDonald’s for spilling hot blood on her lap.
Jason yes! Thank you for my being on this email thread about the new 2017 film FLATLINERS starring video games’ Ellen Page! And thank you for then following up with me several times, in person, asking when I would be contributing to said email thread, and one time threatening to kill me and bring me back to life to see if, quote: “movie trailers lied to [you] again”
If you’re asking if I think there’s an ALF-terlife, well clearly, we’re seeing it in this trailer! And movies don’t lie. Reboots doubly so. It’s like the old saying goes, “If two movies are made with the same premise, then there must be some truth to those movies, Grimace!” This is a saying you can only do in front of Grimace, the purple nugget from the McDonald’s films.
This is why I know that when you inevitably Flatline me back in our dorms that I would go to a chillest place around called HEAVEN. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Cause it’s for real. Starring Greg Kinnear. As dad. And the sand guy. From Spiderman 2. These are two of the five people you meet in heaven.
Travis, here’s a poem about the Five Travis Broyles you meet in Heaven:
Five Travis Broyles knockin’ at your door!
“We’re the five Travis-es you meet up in heaven
Tilda Swinton needs to talk about Kevin
What if Flatliners had been about furries
One ticket to Furryliners—please hurry!”
What do you think of my poem, Travis?
Furryliners, alt title, All Dogs Fuck in Heaven would be the most successful poem-to-film adaptation of all time! Except for Pablo Neruda’s Cool Dog.
I should make it known though that I am not a furry, it’s just that… Well it’s hard on Earth right now, and if we as an audience can escape into someone else’s partially plastic skinsuit for a solid hour and forty-five… well yiff me down and zip me up cause I’m ready to grind against some convention room floors!
Or hell, just let Ellen Page botch me on her way to piano recital glory.
Which brings me to my next thing. I assume when you unchain me from this entertainment center you’re probably not going to let me live, as that promotional Spring Breakers ski mask has worn right through. So tell me: what do you think I’ll find when I get to heaven? Keeping in mind that OPM already revealed to us that heaven is a halfpipe.
I think you’ll find that the flattest line of all is the rail we’ll both be grinding in Heaven, Travis.
Flatliners will be in theaters September 29. Travis will be in Heaven as soon as he loosens the trucks on his ALF deck.