A List of Subcultures I Want to Infiltrate and Take Down From the Inside

Steampunks

Why I hate them: I first encountered this group a few years ago at the annual Atlanta geek convention Dragon Con, a.k.a. “Nerd Mardi Gras.” I was there to do some gonzo journalism and hoped to enmesh myself into the event so I wore a friend’s Starlord costume for cover. Unfortunately, my disdain for nerds was so palpable that I stood out like a sore, muscular, very sexually-active thumb. I went in thinking that it was the furries I’d have to fear. I’ve always been deeply repulsed by furries; the way they took the naive free love doctrine of the Flower Power movement and combined it with some sort of creepy Beanie Babies shit. However, I quickly learned that it wasn’t the furries I had to worry about. They kept very much to themselves, saving their theme park costume character orgies for their private hotel rooms. It was the steampunks, though, that I needed to actively avoid. The worst part about steampunks is that they love to stay in character and expect you to join them in their imaginary Victorian sci-fi world. They dress up in three piece suits, wear giant goggles and aviator caps, and babble on and on about airship mechanics and speculate as to the whereabouts of the elusive Jack the Ripper. It’s basically Firefly without child labor laws.

My plan: How hard can it be to take out a group whose technology still runs on external combustion engines? These dandyish dorks better have some extra hydrogen cells in their zeppelins ’cause they’re goin’ down.

“Real” vampires

Why I hate them: These idiots used to be a fixture on daytime talk shows like Jenny Jones and Sally Jesse Raphael when I was growing up. They were my first real exposure to the lengths that bored suburban white kids will go to for attention. They claim to live full-on vampire lifestyles, doing everything that actual vampires do. In reality, they just wear stupid contacts, sleep all day and then stay up all night smoking clove cigarettes. Most of them are too cowardly to even drink blood — they claim to “psychically” consume the auras of others instead, whatever the hell that means. The only thing lamer than these kids is the the Christian counter-movement of “vampire slayers” that has sprung up to battle them by trolling their online forums with digital Chick tracts.

My plan: Get some really expensive special fx and makeup to convince them that I’m a real vampire and promise to turn them all into vampires if they follow my instructions. I’ll then ask for their parents’ phone numbers and call them to come pick them up from whatever Best Buy parking lot they’re loitering in.

Juggalos

Why I hate them: Just kidding. I don’t wish any harm on the juggalo community. I used to. There was a time when I thought juggalos were the dregs of American society. I blamed them for all our nation’s problems, especially the rise of Donald Trump. I had my road to Damascus moment when I saw a documentary online called American Juggalo. I went into it expecting to have some laughs at all the weird stuff these freaks do — and hoo boy, there is plenty of that — but ended up having a real change of heart in regards to the juggalo family. Juggalos seem like genuinely kind, caring people who are passionate about love and acceptance. It’s odd to me that they’re always being associated with Trump supporters when they seem to be very vocally opposed to bigotry. They’re also pretty funny and so weird and wacky that they come off as refreshingly authentic.

My Plan: Love them unconditionally.

These assholes

Why I hate them: I recently watched a documentary on Netflix called Cartel Land about citizen vigilante groups on both sides of the US-Mexico border. One of the main subjects, Tim “Nailer” Foley, is a recovering meth addict and former construction worker who was upset that he had to compete in the job market with Mexicans. Along with some other right-wing cranks, he has since dedicated his life to protecting our “porous border” from the invasion of drug-dealing Mexican rapists who make for better job candidates than he does. He and his militia of chain-smoking xenophobes, with their camo outfits, assault rifles, and 1990s Major League Baseball goatees, spend their days walking around in the desert looking out for illegal border crossers. Occasionally they come across an empty water bottle or two which gets them really excited because it means there must be a “coyote” (Mexican smuggler) nearby (there isn’t). Foley says he’s not a racist, but admits that some of the guys in his crew might be (they are).

My plan: Foley recently posted on his Facebook page that he and his crew are in danger of being evicted from their “headquarters.” He said he’s seeking an “entertainment lawyer” to help him fix his predicament (God, Trump’s America is a strange place). My guess is that he’s trying to get himself and his ragtag crew of extremists a reality TV show deal. I have developed an elaborate plan, partially inspired by the movie Network, to produce the show and plant Real World-esque drama within the group in order to ensure high ratings as well as certain self-destruction.

European cybergoths

Why I hate them: Every time I watch this video of German teens raving underneath a highway overpass in the middle of the day, I think, “This is what a defeated people look like.” Perhaps the only thing cringier than the gas masks and LED synthetic dreads is the kid in the white, bloodstained shirt who can’t quite get the moves down. He’s obviously trying so hard to fit in with these losers but they just won’t accept him. Move on, kid! You don’t need these jerks!

My plan: As we recently learned in my hometown of Atlanta, it’s not that hard to make an overpass collapse.

Joker & Harley romance fans

Why I hate them: From time to time, I take a journey into the Heart of Darkness that is teenage meme pages. On one such expedition, I stumbled upon a Facebook page called “Joker & Harley” with over 390,000 followers. It’s a tribute to the Joker and his “girlfriend” (hostage) Harley Quinn, who, thanks to Suicide Squad, have been adopted as a sort of F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald power couple for kids who shop at Hot Topic. The memes on this page typically feature movie stills or fan art depicting the Joker and Harley alongside quotes attributed to someone called “Sexy Psycho Bitch” that help teenage girls justify their sketchy relationships with creepy older dudes (example: “No matter how crazy or messed up you think you are, there’s someone who thinks you’re perfect just the way you are”).

My plan: Hack the page and replace all the content with memes about Dharma & Greg.

Train kids

Why I hate them: Call me an unhinged narcissist, but I truly believe that this subculture was formed with the sole purpose of pissing me the fuck off. We have a bad problem with them here in Atlanta thanks to our being a major rail junction. These kids almost always come from wealthy families, and despite their ragged appearance and signs that say “BROKE AND HUNGRY,” they’re usually just a phone call away from a hot meal and a warm bed. The thing that really pisses me off about these “crust fund” brats is that they all seem to have dogs. It’s one thing to subject yourself to a hard life of train hopping, heroin shooting, and street busking, but your dog sure as hell didn’t ask for this.

My plan: Start a shelter for dogs rescued from train kids, a safe, happy place where they will always be fed and will never again have to hear another shitty rendition of “Dead Flowers.”