Scene and Song
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Scene and Song

A Smoke Fiend Has Stolen All the Smoke in Atlanta!

A demonic smoke fiend has stolen all the smoke in the city of Atlanta to use for his flamboyant and theatrical smoke show!

Jerad Alexander of of New York, NY writes:

Well, it looks like you managed to get away with it. I saw it all happen on video this morning. You took the smoke of the city and blew up the stadium, the old stadium, the dome, the Georgia Dome. You robbed all the smoke from the weird alleys in East Atlanta Village and tucked away in all the corners and crevices of Little Five Points. (Now I hear the Yacht Club smells like nicotine decay and the dead skin of vampires. Thanks for that.) You sucked the nightclub exhaust from the parking lots around MJQ, The Bookhouse Pub, and god-help-us The Clairemont Lounge. You jacked all the vape clouds and American Spirit redolence that gets pressed under the awning and around the dim lights of The Local on a humid summer evening. You blew into a money bag all the marijuana haze that curlicues down Boulevard and Moreland and all the hustle around downtown. All the joy of a good stoned evening, a warm fire pit, or the sweet hair-curl afterburn of a charcoal barbecue… Gone to MARTA northbound and Down. You stole it and moved it all to Cobb County, where the Great Whites live, the #MAGAs and the Red Hatters, up to Trump Country, so they can pack it into their fat, brown cigars rolled by cheap labor and oversold at strip malls near Golden Corral, so they can pack our smoke into all the money they’ll burn on bad beer and “CDs” of mid-aught rock music as they hide behind the metaled perimeters of their gates communities and the monster castle walls of their whites-only Shangri-la they refer to as “America.” And then, to make it sting one final bit, when you blew it all up, you blocked our view of it with a goddamn MARTA bus, and probably going the wrong way, too.

Julian Modugno of Atlanta, Ga writes:

The solution to this problem is a simple one and as with most problems can be solved through the judicious use of municipal government. As such, I’d like to introduce City Ordinance #17-O-6969 also known as the “Give Us Back Our Smoke, Snoke!” This has nothing to do with the mysterious villain Snoke from the new Star Wars trilogy but municipal law needs a little pizzazz and nothing says pizzazz quite like some cross promotion with “The Last Jedi” in theaters December 15th, 2017. This ordinance BANS the use of all real smoke in ANY and ALL theatrical performances inside the city limits, effectively eliminating the point of the smoke fiend’s thefts.

Greg Behrens of Atlanta, Ga writes:

Considering our constant roadside vehicle and apartment complex fires, anything with the capacity to pull all the smoke from Atlanta is truly powerful indeed. But if there’s one thing I know that smoke fiends hold in even higher regard than flamboyant theatrics, it’s flamboyant compromise. Much like Jeff Dunham needs some puppets to sell his racist homophobia, we all know the fiend needs some smoke to sell his magic, but he doesn’t need all of it, that’s just greedy.

Jack Walsh of Atlanta, Ga writes:

Mr. SmokeFiend, as a discerning fan of strong-smelling vapors, I feel that you are a prime candidate for expanding into the exciting and growing field of aromatherapy. I can see you are skeptical. But let me tell you a story.

Adam Lowe of Atlanta, Ga writes:

You ignorant mortals think this is just about smoke? Hookah Bars? FOOLS! This is about resurrecting our Master! For a full week and a half we have we have worked more or less every day in the shadows to bring about His beautiful demonic birth. All the planning! The sacrifice! The errands that required us to go OTP! Robert even gave up his Bocce Thursday. But it was worth it. And now we, His children, will receive His dark, sulfuric blessing.



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