Can YOU Protect Dracula From His Many Weaknesses?

Dracula is the weakest of the monsters from the song ‘Monster Mash’—he gives you many options to kill him with and more often than not he’s accidentally making another version of himself every time he eats a meal. We asked people what they would do to ‘Protect Ya Neck’ (and other vampire body parts) if they were Dracula

Jason Pierce Mallory
Scene and Song
Published in
5 min readOct 30, 2017

Travis Broyles of Atlanta, GA writes:

Straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever? Because if not, I’m goin’ out ASAP. Vampires feed not on blood, but misguided love, and if I’m not frenchin’ some naive Victorian babe twenty-four sevs then it’s first train to Stakesburg. In other words, either scenario, I’m nude as the news, baby. Fully nude Dracul. Save for the rings. Vampire kings gotta have their rings™. The Shane Company, in Morrow, Alpharetta, and Woodstock.

“I’ve been a Dracula for a few weeks now and I wear waterproof khakis. Sure, they clash with my vampire clothes but every time a priest throws holy water at me I just turn my body so it hits my khakis. One time I bounced holy water off my butt right into a priest’s eyes and now he can see Wi-Fi signals. Every morning he describes the internet to me while I hang upside down like a bat cause I can’t hold my phone when my arms are folded over my chest.”
— Khaki Dracula aka “Khakula”

Jake Head of New York, NY writes:

Order Seamless, eat the driver.

“Not me, but a friend’s Dracula. He drives a car surrounded by garlicproof glass just like the popemobile. Also, there are mirrors on the inside and outside so no one can see his reflection. He causes a lot of accidents.”

— Friend of a Friendula

James Yates of Atlanta, GA writes:

First off, you’re Dracula. Of all the Mashing Monsters, Dracula is known for having a certain je ne sais quoi…a flamboyance that means you have a total excuse to wear a giant brooch, ruffled collar or even a 70's turtleneck with a chunky gold medallion. Basically, you’re expected to look like a cross between Don Draper and Charles Nelson Reilly. (i.e. George Hamilton)

You’re also friends with The Mummy. There is NO reason to not protect ya neck with all the extra fabric around the Mash.

“You know, it’s the craziest thing — when Paul Manafort was indicted he swore it was because he knew the secret to not getting killed as a Dracula. He laughed and yelled it over his shoulder as he was being led into an FBI field office, but nobody could hear him. Then Robert Mueller came out wearing plastic fangs and winked at me as a big truck marked GARLIC pulled up. I don’t even like food trucks!”
— From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Melania Trump

Cherry Del Rosario of Atlanta, GA writes:

I’d get by with a little help from my friends! …or my minions rather. And I’m not talking about those little yellow racists, I’m talking about scantily clad, voluptuous women who are under my vampire spell and must do my bidding.

They’d be my eyes and ears and protect me while I slept during the day. They’d have intense fighting and parkour skills and also be able to seduce people, duh. They would literally be my ride or die bitches. Loyal to the end.

“Every day for years I wrote in my diary. Then I sold my diaries to The CW. They made a show out of my diaries and I used the money to hire a security guard. Then I drank all his blood. I wrote about it in my diary but then I got sued by The CW for violating their copyright on vampire diaries. I hired a lawyer and drank his blood, too! I tried to write about it in my diary but you guessed it — sued by The CW again, even though I told them you can’t be tried for the same crime twice. Just wait until I write in my diary about this!”

— CW Dracula

Tom Rittenhouse of Atlanta, GA writes:

I’d get a bunch of Big Dog shirts and then wear them exclusively because you don’t fuck with someone in a Big Dog shirt.

And finally, Chris Ledford of Atlanta, GA writes:

If I was Dracula and under attack I would accept my fate and not fight back, because I think the best weapon is to show integrity to the principals of non-violent resistance.

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