Scene and Song
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Scene and Song

Every Skywalker that Rises Must Converge

Yep-I Made a Bunch of Rise of Skywalker GIFs and Wrote About Them

If you’re here for a film critic’s analysis of the Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker trailer, this ain’t it. To quote my tattoo of Chewbacca riding a BIRD scooter for the first time: “we’ll see what happens!”

So let’s look at these Star Wars GIFs I made on GIPHY and read the little blurbs I wrote about each one. Rise of Skywalkers, down with trash talkers, etc. I’m just a Wookie solving the “last mile” problem on an e-scooter, and you are all the pedestrians on the sidewalk I’m plowing through.

First up: the title screen: Star Wars. No shit, welcome to space!

I do like how the Star Wars logo opens itself to reveal a little treasure. Like the parting lips of a mouth with a tongue made of letters saying “the Rise of Skywalker.” love it. Give the dentist something to read.

Man look at those gloves — very stylish! Where do you think you get good gloves in the Star Wars universe? The only time I wear gloves is when I’m riding the MARTA train and I don’t want to touch the pole I’m holding. As much as I love riding it, MARTA is nasty as hell.

Now that it’s spring, I don’t carry gloves on me so sometimes I just gotta grab whatever and deal with it. If I found a lightsaber on MARTA I would not want to pick it up with my bare hands. I’d want a pair of those fancy sith gloves.

I wonder who has the nastiest lightsaber in the Star Wars universe. Seems like there’s all kind of gross creatures running around in the cantina just singing and grabbing at you, surely you’re gonna get some stuff on your lightsaber.

Is there a lightsaber out there that you just wouldn’t want to touch that belongs to a freaky Jedi? Or do lightsabers just clean themselves with the Force?

If I was a Midichlorian in a lightsaber I would resent having to clean the hilt. What do I look like, MidiClorox? That’s my cousin. you clean it! I’m the spirit of space magic, not a swiffer.

Then again, maybe cleaning the hilt is a rewarding process. if I may quote Thich Nhat Hanh: “There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes to wash the dishes.”

And if I may quote my other tattoo of Chewbacca eating out of a styrofoam container that has SOMEONE ELSE’S UBER EATS ORDER written on it: “plates are for thots!”

A note for J.J. Abrams: maybe put a shot of a droid coming into the TIE fighter cockpit holding a bunch of gloves like HERE ARE THE GLOVES YOU ORDERED MASTER KYLO REN. Gloves just spilling out of its arms. And then Kylo Ren gives it a big smooch on the cheek. mmmwah!

Can I just say I’d love to see some Sith dirt bikes pop up out of the TIE fighter when Rey jumps over it? how cool would that be? like the Atlanta twins, Post Malone, and Riff Raff with their nasty ass lightsabers on some sith dirtbikes taking swipes.

You may think dirt bikes have no place in Star Wars but it seems like they’re always on some desert planet just playing around in the dirt. hell i’m surprised those bougie gloves aren’t covered in dust. If you can make a hologram, you can make a dirt bike. That would be my first initiative as sith lord — dirt bikes in every TIE fighter ready to launch out in the air with some greasy dudes on them just ready to scrap, or sell you edibles.

I don’t like this GIF—too red!

I hope I never get body slammed. It’s very rude! Bout as rude as it gets imo. But then again Kylo Ren stabbed his dad so not a big surprise. And he’s holding a lightsaber with his slammin’ hand. You shouldn’t hold weapons when you’re doing wrestling moves.

It’s like when your cousin from Florida holds his new knife while he puts you in a headlock. Put that shit down, dude! Has anybody in the Star Wars universe ever said that to Kylo Ren? “Put that shit down, dude! I’m not playing!” He’d prolly just laugh.

What if you took your dad to Dave & Buster’s and he tried VR? How can your Dad trust what’s real when you leave?

How does he know the VR helmet isn’t still on? Once you enter a simulation can you ever really say one hundred percent you’ve left it?

A friendly follow-up e-mail would help clear things up. Like RE: your recent visit to Dave & Buster’s

Dear sir or madam,

We just wanted to let you know that any events you are experiencing are what we’ve all objectively agreed on as “reality” and not the simulated reality you experienced in our Lawrenceville location. All actions are permanent and the human soul has not been verified. Attached is a coupon for another hour of VR (WINK EMOJI)

Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Buster. Thanks, grinning Skynet Terminator skull on the VR coupon.

Man, I love H&M. The clothes have great patterns and they’re cheap as hell. I feel like a little color in your wardrobe never hurt anybody. Even though I bought some cheap shoes there that put a blister on my ankle immediately.

Goddamn, can nobody kill C-3PO? How many times has this robot been shot at in his life? He’s made of gold, he’s easy to see! He’d look pretty good in a patterned shirt from H&M though. Why don’t robots dress in clothes more in Star Wars? Everybody else is letting their freak flag fly with scarves and blasters on the hip, you think a droid in a short-sleeve floral print is gonna raise any eyebrows?

Here it is-our AirBnb.

There’s a lot of hugging in the Star Wars universe. Google “star wars hug” and you’ll see plenty of hugging. Chewbacca hugging Han, Luke hugging Leia, Minions hugging porgs—if you’re in the Star Wars universe and don’t get hugged you must be a real prick.

I follow Carrie Fisher’s french bulldog Gary on instagram. I think frenchies are good luck. Gross little good luck goblins.

Other than his insane tongue, Gary looks like my frenchie Gotham. I wouldn’t mind giving Gary a big old hug for luck. Gimme that “star wars hug,” Gary! Seems like a good way to get kicked out of a convention.

Well, we’ve come to the end of the lightsaber hilt and I’m all out of wet wipes. Time to shut it all down! To quote my third tattoo of Chewbacca organizing a LYFT driver union meeting: “it’s been real, players!” ✌




Comedy Pop Culture Commentary on Movies and Music

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Jason Pierce Mallory

Jason Pierce Mallory

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