How Many Opened Boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars Can You Sell?
Thanks to a settlement with ABC Family, we just got our hands on several boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars and we need to sell them FAST! Unfortunately, someone has already opened them! The cigars are fine, but you should know: these boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars are NOT sealed! We asked our contributors how they would sell these prank exploding cigars branded with the “Pretty Little Liars” logo!
Kevin Saucier of Atlanta, Ga writes:
How are you going to “smoke em if you got em” it you ain’t got em? So get em! Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars, new, in-box, though once taken out the box, because my little nephew loves to sniff cigars, and Roman Candles, and these were right up his alley. I mean, I set the box down in the alley where he lives for a couple minutes. The box was outside his box, and he thought it was a gift for him, so they’re opened. I was so mad, yelling “Kid! Man!” that people thought I was talking about Nicole, who’s great in Big Little Lies, but is not in Pretty Little Liars. Easy mistake to make. But don’t make the mistake of passing up this offer! One box of cigars for the price of you not telling anybody where you got them, okay? Just, be cool. Stick these under your bed for a couple days. Hold them for me. I’ve got some bad dudes on my tail, and you’d be doing me a solid if you’d hang onto these damp, possibly exploding, not-quite ABC Family approved cigars. I’ll make it worth your while. You ever been to Florida? Well, Alabama’s right next to it, and I know a guy who could put you up. No, actually, he’s mad at me, too. But maybe you could smooth that over? So buy now! Bye now!
“What if we call them Pretty Little Fires?”
— Don Draper
Paige Bowman of New York, NY writes:
Are they safe to smoke? Who knows? But one of these dozens of boxes of unsealed Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars contains the identity of A, so you better get buyin’.
“I guess the prettiest lie of all is telling people that these cigars won’t explode in their face”
Well, I was never good at selling candy bars in elementary school. A crippling fear of failure and an inability to talk to strangers rendered me utterly useless in the world of sales. If the present is anything like the past, then I will feebly ask a stranger if they would like to buy a box, ultimately be rejected, and then my parents will buy a couple so that I don’t look like a loser. Meanwhile Amanda will be able to “sell” several boxes because she’s rich and she will get the bike. Years later I will realize that this was not an exercise in entrepreneurship, but rather a multilevel marketing scheme aimed to seize money from the poor and add to the coffers of the wealthy. I bust the lid off the Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigar sham and redistribute the wealthy to the feeble and needy.
If given enough time, I could probably sell all of them. How hard could it be, really? People love buying stuff. I love buying stuff, especially when I feel very empty. I think if you tell people in coded language that they’ll feel better after they buy it then they’ll definitely want to buy it. Some people might be thrown off by the fact that the boxes are opened, but I’d just tell em that they were opened by the Prettiest Little Liar or the Biggest Little Liar or whatever, making the box actually worth more in the eyes of a thoughtful consumer. I think people might like that they’re exploding cigars, because you can prank a friend and then maybe you can finally have fun again. I’d definitely buy anything if it came with the promise that I might have fun again. I’d really like to have fun again. Fuck it, I’ll even buy a couple myself.
“Ugh, so much for my ‘Big Ugly Truth-Tellers’ Joy-Buzzing Vape Pens. Guess we’ll just sell this Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists merch instead.”
— the CEO of Freeform
Diana Brown of Atlanta, Ga writes:
Selling Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars won’t be that easy, bitches, but it is open season on assholes and I am hunting. These babies are grade-A tobacco, irresistible to any Hollywood producer. all you have to do is offer them one at an opportune time, like right after they don’t go to jail for rape for some reason. Congratulate them. Say something like “I’m not like other girls” even though we both know that’s reductive of the feminine experience — don’t worry, he won’t. He’ll probably be too busy unzipping his pants to listen to you anyway, but he’ll take the cigar. Tell him to light it while you slip your shoes off and “get comfortable.” Then, boom boom bitch. Enjoy watching the skin of his face melt off as he screams in agony. Watch his awards and his posters and his photos of famous friends burst into flame like so much kindling. Smash his expensive liquor. Inhale the rich scent of burning leather and hair. Witness his domain crumble into ash all around him while you walk away unburnt like the goddamn Mother of Dragons. Let the fire satiate his burning loins because that’s not your job and it never was. Take as many as you like. Take the box. Tell them, “I’m still here, bitches. And I know everything.”