I Regret to Inform You That a Pizza Wizard Has Cast a Spell on You

It Is With Sincere Regret That I Must Let You Know You Are the Victim of Pizza Sorcery

I regret to inform you that a pizza wizard has cast a spell on you from his car. He pulled up next to you at a red light, waved a slice of pizza at you and muttered the following incantation:

Red Sauce, Cheese
Pepperoni crust
These are the toppings that I trust
Here’s an inconvenient truth
Al Gore’s pizza’s on the roof
just like that scene in Breaking Bad
Heisenberg pizza for your dad
pizza skeleton
pizza hearse
you’ll never break this pizza curse

But hey! It’s not all bad. Here are some of the side effects you can expect from this pizza wizard’s throwaway spell he cast on you simply because he didn’t want the cops to see him texting and driving and he needed something to occupy his hands:

Pepperoni nymphs always beckoning you to come swim in the tomato sauce with them

You now speak the language of pizza dragons but they’re extinct so you gotta talk to a pizza lizard instead and they sound dumb as hell

Betsy DeVos’s famous “Now where do I find the pencils?” quote changed to “Now where do I find the pizza?”

If you go to jail, Domino’s “The Noid” character emerges from a nearby pizza. He’s wearing a suit. He’s your defense lawyer. How will you plead in court? Guilty? Not Guilty? Meat Lover’s? Uh oh, Olivia Benson is here. Is this an SVU case?! Her hair is done up in a twist around a bread stick, so it must be about this pizza wizard bullshit

You can now walk on pizza just as Jesus walked on water. If this pizza is also on water, then Jesus gets a penalty and has to leave a second set of footprints

Pizza in the morning, Pizza in the evenin’, Pizza at suppertime! When pizza’s on a bagel, it can only mean one thing: the Bagelrog has awakened from its thousand year slumber. Quick, here’s a shield made of Totino’s®! Try not to get bit, because this time the bagel bites YOU!

All chefs you encounter MUST make the the thumb and forefinger “OK” sign at you just like on the pizza box

If you buy a bag of weed it vanishes and reappears in the background of a dream about pizza three days later

You can only be awakened by true pizza’s kiss

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