I’m Gonna Vape on Your Chandelier

Jason Mallory and Bunny McIntosh review the trailer for The Phantom of the Opera

JASON

First of all, this seems like an awful lot of time to spend at the opera. “Hey, what if we hung out at the opera and all our life stuff centered around the opera?” I just don’t want to hang around the goddamn opera all the time.

“Oof, the opera again?? Didn’t see enough chandeliers your first time around?”

And then the Phantom of the Opera is like, “Oh, this mask will solve my ugliness problem.” Guess what dum-dum — that mask looks dumb! Hey phantom — you nerdy as hell!

BUNNY

Well, if The Phantom of the Opera is so nerdy, why did I have those masks all over my bedroom growing up?

JASON

Probably to keep David Bowie’s Goblin King from stealing your baby? Or to encourage him to steal a baby? I don’t know how your David-Bowie-steal-your-baby-Labyrinth system works, Bunny — it’s different for every girl! Each young woman must decide how she wants to let David Bowie know that when and how he is welcome to take an infant for his Labyrinth.

What I do know is: what if the Phantom of the Opera wore one of those Guy Fawkes “Anonymous” masks instead? What if the Phantom of the Opera had an anime twitter avatar? What if the Phantom of the Opera VAPED?

* rapping all Beastie Boys-style * “Well I’m the Phantom so have no fear/I’m gonna vape on your chandelier!”

BUNNY

The Phantom is a terrible rappist.

JASON

I guess what I’m getting at is if the Phantom of the Opera were alive today, he’d be banging on his piano all day and singing about “men’s rights” and “the red pill” and “hentai” and “Pepe the frog,” which is why I’m proposing a modern, updated reboot of Phantom of the Opera: 4Chantom of the Opera!

BUNNY

If there’s one thing the Phantom of the Opera doesn’t need, it’s your permission to hang out at the opera and vape and think about men’s rights. Look — this guy, who is ostensibly not a “phantom” so much as he is a “homeless man living in the opera,” has pulled off living at the opera for YEARS and convincing everyone he’s a ghost.

The opera is a place for sophisticates, the likes of whom spend their free time listening to sing in high-pitched German. Almost everything at the opera is draped in velvet, including the people. It’s not a place a hobo can just casually live in, and yet he has pulled it off. Basically, he’s a hobo with a cape who has fumbled his way into the same exact life as Beast from Beauty and the Beast only without the singing inanimate objects.

JASON

Move over, George Lucas — a new “phantom menace” is in town! Hmmm…doesn’t sound quite right. Lemme try that line again. Eat your heart out, George Lucas — because a new “phantom menace” just pulled up in his lambo! Damn. Still not there yet. How about: get in the closet, George Lucas — because you’re about to get cucked by a “phantom menace” and you just got pranked in a YouTube “social experiment!”

Anyway, you get the idea. I guess what I’m trying to say, Bunny, is that if I wanted to watch a play about a guy who can play piano, wears a mask and is in a dark place I’d produce a musical called “Elton John Does Too Much Coke At A Halloween Orgy”

BUNNY

Is “cucked” short for “cuckolded?” Is that some kind of cool new tween word? If anything, the fellow in this video who looks like he’s *not* strangling Christine is the one being cuck-holded. He doesn’t look like he was invited to the Halloween Orgy, and it’s his haircut’s fault. He looks like an Adult Little Lord Fauntleroy. No wonder the hobo has the one-up.

When my mom and I went to see this play at the Fox Theatre, which was so ultimate for a 6th grader, she found the plot of this play completely baffling. We were sitting in the silent theater, theatergoers hanging on every note, and she was doing two things: 1) singing along with the organ theme (dunnnnnnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn) and 2) asking about plot points like she was a 70 year old woman trying to follow an M. Night Shyamalan film. “WHO IS HE?” she un-quietly asked. “IS THAT GUY IN THE MASK THE SAME GUY FROM EARLIER?” (he wasn’t) and 2 ½ hours in “SO IS THE GUY IN THE MASK A BAD GUY OR WHAT? THIS IS STUPID.”

At the time, I thought her overt disrespect for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s masterpiece was irreverent, but now as I approach the age where it becomes embarrassing to shop at Forever 21, I’m beginning to understand why she had problems with a bunch of singing ghost-men fighting over singing non-ghost girls.

JASON

Uhhh yeah Bunny — THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN VAPING AT YOU THIS WHOLE TIME. I think cuck is short for cuckold, but I like the idea of a cuck-hold as well. A place to keep your cuck, if you will. “Does this car come with cuck-holders?” Also, a place to keep my vape pens. “Uhhh hello, I’d like the worst car possible!”

* once again rapping all Beastie Boys-style * “Well I’m the Phantom/and my car can vape/so please give a tug/on my fancy cape!”

Listen, Bunny, here’s the truth about The Phantom of the Opera: it was written by the school bus industry. Every day across the country, millions of 6th graders are packed into school buses to go see The Phantom of the Opera and who do you think gets all that school bus money? Well, these days it’s Betsy DeVos but it used to be Andrew Lloyd Webber!

The next time you get on a school bus to go see The Phantom of the Opera and the actor who plays the Phantom goes around in his school bus driver hat collecting bitcoins from everyone in the audience during intermission, think about this: why didn’t they just use a Square reader to take everyone’s credit card? 6th graders don’t have Bitcoins, Bunny! Yeah, maybe if you can lure Elon Musk onto a school bus but otherwise there’s no way The Phantom of the Opera is ever going to turn a profit.

Anyway, Andrew Lloyd Webber is dumb as hell! The End!

** Jason Mallory has never seen The Phantom of the Opera 
** Bunny has seen Phantom of the Opera 144 times