JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE?

MORE LIKE JASON AND MAX: UNWELCOME TO OUR JUNGLE!

JASON MALLORY

Hey Max! You ever noticed adventure books for kids always have some kind of parrot squawking at you? Parrots are always inserting themselves in adventure stories. Uhh, you’re a bird—what do you know about getting into scrapes? Sorry, parrots…if you were a badass you wouldn’t let old ladies keep you in a cage! 👵🏻 💯

It’s like, why don’t you see if you can drive Miss Daisy before you drive us Jumanji crazy? You can’t sip this Jumanji brandy ‘til you flip the script on Jessica Tandy! You’re stuck on the Jumanji bench unless you get the best of Dame Judi Dench! You gotta fool Dame Maggie Smith if you want to plead the fifth—in Jumanji court!

Anyway, am I crazy or is the title screen for this Jumanji video game really cluttered? Look like a damn bird designed it!

MAX FISHER

Yes, Jason, this video game is a problem. It’s also apparently a much bigger problem for all those #90skids who feel they’re childhoods have been ruined by this adjustment from the original 1995 “classic.” I have an alternative take, Jason. I believe that the 1995 “classic” Jumanji actually ruined these gusher-cramming, Capri Sun-slurping bastards’ lives. It may sound harsh but hear me out, Jason!

First off, they now believe Robin Williams is funny and felt like he was a beloved family member because he made them laugh while their parents were getting a divorce in the summer of 1995. I know this, Jason, because they all posted heartfelt messages at his passing on various social media platforms (medium.com not being one those, Jason). “I will never laugh again” they said! I LITERALLY saw them laughing at this trailer when I went to see Despicable Me 3 by myself yesterday! I’m starting to believe these #90skids are frauds! They’ll say they are happy with their old dusty board game Jumanji but then some sexy new “retro” video game Jumanji walks by and their mouth is watering like Robin Williams at make-stupid-voices convention!

The OG Jumanji (or OGumanji, if you will) also made them think that those CGI monkeys were acceptable to put on screens across America. Those monkeys looked like shit, Jason! They LITERALLY looked so bad that they ruined my childhood! Do you think the CGI monkeys will return in “Welcome to the Jungle” because I don’t know if my poor heart could take that!

JASON

[chorus]
in the jungle, welcome to the jungle
Watch them CGI your mon na na na na keys keys 
I wanna watch OGumanji

Unlike you, Max—my heart will go on because I’m the Céline Dion of CGI Jumanji monkeys. Furthermore, Céline Dion’s heart will not go on because she’s the Max Fisher of CGI Jumanji monkeys.

Here’s a scene that would make everyone’s heart go on: when the new improved CGI monkeys show up in Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, we cut to the old CGI monkeys enjoying J:WTJ in a movie theatre. “We sure came a long way” says one of the monkeys, wiping away a CGI tear.

You know where you are?
You’re in Jumanji baby, you CGI

Anyway, here’s a GIF of you trying to complain about Jumanji CGI effects before getting swallowed by all the Internet comments celebrating Jack Black’s opacity being turned down to 45% on his way to swirl around inside a hippo’s mouth like the vape smoke no doubt streaming from your nostrils as you admit to yourself that they GOT IT RIGHT THIS TIME.”

“We sure came a long way…Max”

MAX

Honestly, hippos are terrifying creatures and we should not be celebrating their ability to chomp a Jack Black sized (short and husky) human in a second flat — BUT I am pleased that a movie is FINALLY portraying hippos as the true monsters they are and not the lovable hippos that sing and shit a la Disney’s The Lion King and Disney’s Tarzan and Disney’s The Jungle Book. Finally, a studio I can truly trust: SONY!

So, a teen girl stuck in Jack Black’s body is basically the funniest premise for a movie since any Robin Williams movie ever! Right?! They should’ve just made that a movie! Like, Jack Black is trying to connect to his teen daughter who literally hates him and spends all day ON HER DAMN PHONE, probably sending nudes to James Franco, and then they bonk heads and THEY SWITCH BODIES. Um, someone get Sony Pictures Entertainment on the horn because I have #fresh idea for them! Ok, let’s make a poll, Jason, would you rather see Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle or Teen Girl: Welcome to Jack Black’s Psyche??

JASON

Oh, I don’t know Max, how about this option for your little Facebook poll:

Jumanji: What Happens When a Teen Girl’s Consciousness Is Put Inside of Jack Black but Then Sam Beckett From Quantum Leap Leaps Into the Teen Girl’s Body but Also Into Jack Black’s Body Through the Jumanji Video Game Interface, Then He Body Swaps With Jamie Lee Curtis Because It Is Also Freaky Friday So Now the Teen Girl Is in the Future in Sam Beckett’s Body and Jamie Lee Curtis Is in Jack Black’s Body and Sam Beckett Is in Jamie Lee Curtis’s Body but Then Jamie Lee Curtis Finds the Ancient Skull From “Vice Versa” and Swaps With Judge Reinhold So the Final Tally Is Sam Beckett Is Stuck in Jamie Lee Curtis’s Body, Jamie Lee Curtis Is Stuck in Judge Reinhold’s Body, the Teen Girl Has Been in Sam Beckett’s Body in the Future the Whole Time, and Judge Reinhold Is Having Jumanji Adventures as Jack Black, and No One’s the Wiser!

Think that’ll fit on a marquee? I’d like to hear the Fandango voice read THAT, Max! Hell, I’d like to hear the Fandango voice read me my rights. Anyway, here’s some clips from the movie:

MAX

Well, call me a #90skid but Jumanji has completely lost my attention and all I care about is getting our Jack Black body-swap comedy greenlit! It’ll be like The Avengers of body-swap comedies! It’ll start with Jodie Foster seeking out Jack Black and recruiting him to her team of teens who have body swapped with their parents!

JASON

Uhh, more like it’ll be the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice of body-swap comedies! And I’m renting out the whole theater for the premiere so it’ll be Max v Jason: Dawn of “Just Us!”

Yep—you, me, and the body of Jack Black acting as a vessel for the conscious mind of a teenage girl make THREE!

Oh, and don’t try to body-swap your way out of this, Max—I’ll know if it’s you or not by the way you add #90skid to your Instagram posts. #boybye #endofthearticle #711 #beyhive

[Jumanji comes out in theaters December 20, 2017]