Stay Away From Those Damn Possums!

How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?!

Jason Pierce Mallory
Scene and Song
Published in
2 min readSep 26, 2017

If you’re the possum I raised/am raising, or just a possum who needs tips on which possums to avoid, please read these reasons to stay away from the new possums in the neighborhood, especially when they hiss “come back to the possum world” at you through their possum teeth:

They are crude and covetous

They only pretend to die

You were raised in the civilized world, they’d never understand your city possum ways

Hardly ever play in jug bands anymore

Email from Dollywood corporate said no new possums

Only reason they can talk is cause Trump gave them Obama’s magic speaking box that he enchanted so he could talk to Bo the White House Dog and now Bo just barks the word “Possum!” as part of the deal with Trump

They’d bite Frasier Crane if they ever got the chance, but they’d welcome Kelsey Grammer into their lair for a possum feast

The rumor that they have their own Possum Cape Canaveral and routinely send possums into space has been rated as a “mixture of both truth and falsity” by

Their lab coats are natty and torn, when they even bother to wear them

They’ll never let you be the Possum King of Outer Space, even though you bear the mark on your right paw just like in the possurophecy

Why are you even questioning this? I shouldn’t have to tell you to stay away from the new possums—you should just take one look at them and think, “Those possums are bad news!”

Okay, their “dance of the possum scientists” is pretty cute, even if some of the dance steps seem to imply they don’t believe climate change is real

They said they’d show me a “rude photo” if I gave them $5, but they spent it on rocket fuel and the photo was of Frasier

I’m sorry, I was lying to you. You are the Possum King of Outer Space. You hit your head on your speaking box and lost your memory, so I raised you as my own. You belong with the other possums who can travel the stars. If y’all ever build a ship big enough for me one day, take me with you! Bye, I gotta email Dollywood and tell them the bad news!

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