Telepath Me Please

GIFs of Dark Phoenix? Right This Way Sir or Madam

Jason Pierce Mallory
Scene and Song
Published in
5 min readMay 1, 2019


👩🏼‍🚀 Hey there! I’m Little Dale, the astronaut! Jason asked me to come out and introduce the article. What can I say, Jason made some GIFs from the Dark Phoenix trailer and wrote some stuff about them! Okay back to being the warden of space jail, bye!

ALERT! ALERT! A report from the front of the ship—this dude is yelling at you. I bet this is what it looks like to argue with your boyfriend on the X-Men ride at Universal Studios. He’s been listening to a lot of podcasts!

Does Universal Studios have the rights to make an X-Men ride? Pretty bold if they don’t! Seems like if you want to make a ride you should be able to make it about anything you want. Is an amusement park ride really “about” anything? Yes, always.

The Cyclone ride is about what it would be like to be inside a cyclone. The scream machine is about a machine that generates screams. Batman the ride is about Batman.

Wonder how much leeway you get with characters for rides. Could you put a guy in a Batman suit at the end of the Batman ride with a pail that has STUDENT LOAN DEBT FORGIVENESS — DO NOT THROW ON THE POOR stenciled on the side? And he’s legally allowed to buy and forgive your student loan debt with a short ceremony that involves him throwing water from the pail on you and muttering “you’re forgiven, you’re forgiven”?

Seems like it would be pretty tough for Warner Bros to litigate. Like, we put Batman in there, what do you want? You didn’t say he couldn’t forgive student loan debt after all the loopedy loops. He’s a billionaire with a good heart! If anything he’s in character. And the water would be very refreshing. La Croix, baby!

[Kate Bush voice]

Be running up that wood
Be running up that hill
Be knocked into that building
Say, if I only could, oh…

“Helmet problems. I’m having helmet problems. My beautiful helmet is flying away in three different directions right off my head.” This is what Magneto is thinking.

My gf Cherry left her phone in an Uber earlier this week, and it was very upsetting. She couldn’t log in to her uber account either because she couldn’t remember her password, and they sent all the password reset stuff via text to the phone that was long gone.

So here’s me, the third party, trying to talk to a live person and guess what—Uber doesn’t have a phone number. They want everything to be sent via messages through the Uber app, completely putting aside the fact that nobody wants to send a message and wait and just hope for the best, they want a human in their ear immediately to tell them everything’s gonna be all right.

That’s what’s so curious to me about companies like Uber—they want to coast on bare minimum problem solving, like, we found you a driver dum-dum, what more do you want?

Oh I don’t know, Uber—maybe a little more help when a problem comes up in the situation that you directly facilitated??

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Magneto’s helmet. Thank God Uber doesn’t make helmets to protect you from telepathy in the X-Men world because Magneto would be frantically googling some combination of “UBER helmet human call support line talk to person” and finally begrudgingly send a message through the app.

Well Magneto you might as well just slap a sticker on your head that says TELEPATH ME PLEASE at that point cause you ain’t getting helped.

Epilogue: Thanks to the awesome Uber driver my gf got her phone back. How’d I do it? I called the only number available online—the one supposedly reserved for emergencies. I guess an Uber executive would read this and be like “the system works—La Croix, baby!”

Here they are—my essential oils.

“I am a hamburger patty. I am being flame-broiled. I accept this.” That’s what Professor X is thinking. “Lower me into the flame, I’m a big whopper”

Having Professor X turn into a burger is a beautiful way to end the movie imo. Kind of an Ouroboros feel to it. Answer me this—if the Ouroboros’s tail isn’t delicious, why is he always trying to eat it?

Well that’s the end of all my Dark Phoenix stuff, and you guessed it, Debt Forgiving Batman is now Venmo Bruce Wayne after getting sued. Now you Venmo him whatever you can at the end of the ride and he’ll “see what he can do.” They even took away his pail!

Thanks to Little Dale the astronaut for introducing these GIFs and for deciding to close space jail while I wrote this article! It was the right thing to do! Peace ✌️