Yikes! Maybe Don’t Expect a Lot From This Game of Thrones Trailer Analysis

Jason and Chris Talk a Little Bit About Game of Thrones but Chris Hasn’t Even Seen It!

JASON MALLORY

What up, Chris! You ever think about how cool it was Rumpelstiltskin had some kind of gold-making ability? I bet the Miller’s Daughter had to appreciate that such a power existed in the first place. “I wish I wasn’t locked up in this room handing out babies to whoever can help me, but I gotta tip my hat to you Rumpelstiltskin — this is pretty crazy that you can turn straw into gold.”

But Rumpelstiltskin can EAT A DICK cause Game of Thrones is back! Go back to Once Upon A Time you shriveled up lil’ bitch! I can guess your name and it’s “Nobody Gives a Shit!”

:: clears throat and prepares to recite a poem ::

Fight every battle everywhere
Fight Rumpelstiltskin’s derriere
Littlefinger’s coming for your straw and gold
winter is here and it’s really cold 
need a heating pad for the Iron Throne
George R. R. Martin’s dick in an ice cream cone

Always. In your mind.

CHRIS LEDFORD

Jason, I hate to break it to you, but I’ve never actually watched Game of Thrones. But, I know almost every detail of the storyline because there’s a guy at work who for some reason feels obligated to tell me all about it all the time, the same way I imagine coworkers in white-collar jobs discuss their weekend or their lake house or their impending divorce.

GoT always seemed too bleak and violent for my taste in fantasy. Just watching this trailer, it feels like I’m watching the Syrian Civil War, but with dragons. I thought fantasy was supposed to be a fun escape from the drudgeries of our world. George R. R. Martin seems to have created mythical world somehow even worse than our own grotesque reality, where babies get murdered and people get their dicks chopped off.

He’s given us a world of pure imagination that happens to include all the horrors you’d expect to find in HBO’s Oz (not to be confused with the much more pleasant fantasy World of Oz created by L. Frank Baum).

Why does Westeros have to be such a shitty place? Why can’t it be more like Middle-earth? Sure, Middle-earth had its problems, but there was at least hope there. We know there was hope because every 20 minutes or so, Sam Gamgee had to give a tearful monologue reminding us that there was hope. And, most importantly, in Middle-earth, nobody got their dick chopped off. In fact, I’m not even sure genitalia existed in Middle-earth. Isn’t it strange how there’s no mention of sex in the entire Lord of the Rings saga? Tolkien provides so much detail of this make-believe world — he even developed unique languages for its inhabitants — but never do we hear any of the Hobbits make a dirty joke or anyone say anything about sex. Are we to believe that Middle-earth is a totally sexless world?

JASON

So I think what you’re trying to say is, you want to make a deal with a Lich King to reconstruct J. R. R. Tolkien’s body for five minutes and bring him back to unholy life just so you can ask him the question, “Did Hobbits fuck?!”

Hey Chris, if it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?!

If I was dealing with a re-animated J. R. R. Tolkien with only minutes to spare I’d be like, “J. R. R. Tolkien—there’s no time to explain but I need you to take all these Blu-Ray copies of Gone Girl back to the afterlife with you! God will NOT allow you back into heaven without them!”

Then I’d start loading up his arms with Blu-Ray copies of Gone Girl, as many as his frail arms can hold. Then I’d say, “Okay, Mr. Tolkien—thank you for joining our Gone Girl Frequent Buyer Club—that’ll be six bitcoins please!”

Can you imagine the look on his face?

He’s got five minutes to figure out what a Blu-Ray is, what Gone Girl is, who Ben Affleck is, what a “frequent buyer club” is and why Peter Travers of Rolling Stone says “David Fincher’s shockingly good film version of Gone Girl is the date-night movie of the decade for couples who dream of destroying one another” before he’s back in heaven again with an armful of Gone Girls and a bill for six bitcoins—and here’s the thing, Chris: angels hate Gone Girl.

But we’re here to talk about Game of Thrones, so here’s a spoiler-ish question: What if “Hodor” stood for “Hold the Doritos?” They’d be calling me DON’T HODOR, that’s for damn sure.

Chris, if you were beloved Game of Thrones character Hodor, what would “Hodor” be short for?!

CHRIS

I’d go with, “HellO Department Of Revenue!” as a reminder that taxes might not be fun, but they pay for our roads and schools and fire departments and what-not. Remember how in The Bible people were always railing against tax-collectors? I think that was unfair. After all, tax-collectors provide a valuable service for the community. Why couldn’t the writers of the gospels have chosen better targets for their ire — perhaps those guys who put boots on your car if you leave it in a parking lot for too long?

Tolkien understood the necessity for establishing a villain that could be universally reviled and had no redeemable qualities. Just take a look at this Wikipedia description of Orcs:

“Although not entirely dim-witted and occasionally crafty, they are portrayed as miserable beings, hating everyone including themselves and their masters, whom they serve out of fear. They make no beautiful things, but rather design cunning devices made to hurt and destroy.”

How can you not hate these guys? They even hate themselves! That’s just… actually, that’s kinda sad.

Wow, going into this, I didn’t expect to end up feeling sympathy for the orcs, but, Jesus. Has anyone tried to talking to them? It says they only serve their masters out of fear. That doesn’t sound like an evil race of monsters to me. That sounds like some people that are really hurting.

JASON

Uhh people say orcs can’t make beautiful things, but how do you explain Aaron S-ork-in? Anyway, hope you don’t get angry messages about not seeing Game of Thrones, hit up your coworker and see if they’ll be Chris Ledford for a week! Bye!

[Game of Thrones returns on 7.16 and Chris will return to the public eye after he catches up on GoT]