Bipolar Disorder: A Blessing in Disguise?
by Grey…
“If I could be manic and not have the depression then I would sell my soul and sign on the dotted line…”
If we all settle into the idea that human beings are flawed and complicated specimen, maybe then we can further the agenda of coexistence. Pretending to be indifferent to it is, after all, a waste of time. But I must ask this question in hopes of understanding others’ interpretation of my and many others’ disorder: Is Bipolar Disorder a curse or a blessing?
I’ve always been very concrete in my opinion of it being a great divine gift manifesting itself in a very limited vessel. Playing devil’s advocate, I might even go as far as to say that it makes me who I am. Yes, I do realize that is a quite drastic way of looking at it, but in all fairness I still in my heart think it is true. That’s the biggest reason why I stray away from all types of medications. I’ve been lectured time and time again about the benefits of mood stabilizing drugs but I find it all to be a tad bit risky. I incoherently love and romanticize the mania. If I could be manic and not have the depression then I would sell my soul and sign on the dotted line. Being manic is better than any drug or any experience; your body feels electric and you have no need for food or sleep. You are one with the universe and madly invincible. Picture feeling like the absolute exception to all of the rules ever created.
Obviously this extreme of an emotion can wear you out. No matter how wonderful you feel, nature is built on one sustaining practice: balance. The high you have must have an opposite and equal reaction. It is quite necessary if you think about it. How would one appreciate unlimited pleasure without soul gripping sadness? The depression is something I usually stray away from going into detail about because I can recall the exact thoughts I thought and the weight of my head and hands. It’s not thrilling and it is more so dark than one may believe it to be. So, I respectfully decline going into any further detail about it and I ask that you use your very own vivid imaginations.
That being said, I completely understand why many people find it more hindering then helpful. In my way stand many fallen by the hands of this disorder. Death never scared me because of this idea that I was sent down here for a reason and soon I will return back and be able to access all of my creative and kinetic energy without any repercussions. This body being so limited and temporary can barely withstand this amount of information that my brain receives and interprets.
But there are so many links between Bipolar Disorder and artistic abilities — it’s really incredible! The brain with the capacity to think simultaneously with both sides is labeled as sick and broken?! I’m not sure if I buy it. Yes of course I sometimes have wished to be rid of all this and to live life as a normal person but what a bore, actually. An actual snooze fest. Once you’ve seen through the eyes of improper but escalated lenses you will never want to turn back to peering through shutters.
This disease has almost killed me. This disease has also given me the most remarkable life. One with amazing stories and creations filled with temperament, cynicism, and raw romance. I can create something out of nothing, and I can feel everything at once. I don’t wish to feel everything or nothing at all but I don’t think that this is a mistake. I don’t think that my mind is a curse. I think that with great power comes equal if not greater detriment. To sum it all up in the nerdiest way possible, my mania is a Superhero, my depression is a Supervillian, and I am Gotham.
