Reality of Rom-Coms
by Gemma Brand-Wolf
I am a fan of rom-coms. Not a die-hard fan. I only like the innovative ones, the “original” ones (if you can even argue the existence of those). However, I think the format of these movies is revealing of the strange misconceptions surrounding love and the general normalcy of being in a relationship. While I can say (with only a small amount of shame) that I like these movies, I know that they are not realistic. But they teach us, even the people who refuse to watch them, to expect certain things, to view love through a very specific lense. From these movies we learn a version of love that is not perfect, but rather, pointedly imperfect. We learn that what we feel, our blurry and irregular and haphazard feelings, exist, but are easy to resolve with little to no disruption of everyday activity. We learn that it should be easy and normal and that we’ll know when it’s right, we’ll know. I’ve noticed that these movies, while they are fun to watch, leave me feeling empty and lonely. I was thinking about why, and it all came down to the unrealistic and impractical template that characterizes virtually all of these movies.
1These movies rarely progress naturally. Usually, boy-meets-girl and falls instantly in love in a simplified, dramatized, euphoric collision of destinies. In reality, person-meets-person, approaching awkwardly, or more likely not mustering the courage to do so, triggering a stomach-dropping, and, in my experience, face-reddening end result. Never in the typical rom-com does the person of interest have a significant other, or really, any other number of conflicts that prevent the relationship from progressing.
2It never gets complicated. Or, it inevitably does. But any complication always results in resolution, which is inherently better than the previous situation in that both people now realize how lucky they are, etc.
3It never ends, even the ones about teenagers. I know only one person who married his high-school sweetheart (my cousin). Rom-coms do not address the advantages of short-lived relationships. Or even long term ones that do not end in marriage. A) Not everyone needs a marriage certificate in order to legitimize their love, B) not everyone in the global community is even legally allowed to get married, and C) there is something to be said for the two-week, two-month, two-year relationship. Sometimes, we are with a person, and while we may not be with them forever, what we learn from them is invaluable, irreplaceable, and we don’t need to apologize for or regret our time spent with them. Sometimes the best part is that initial spark, that plunging rollercoaster drop into thin air. After all, rollercoasters don’t go on forever.
I say “we” because I am trying to include myself in this. I am trying to convince myself that, if this is true for others, it can be true for me too. I’ve never been heartbroken, and I’ve never had to feel the agony of lost love. But I have felt the unnameable disappointment of not attaining, of not succeeding, of my love-life being unacceptably far away from the ideals set by rom-com movies and the general culture of “love.”
Rom-coms, rules, terminology, all the societal, individual, and cultural expectations surrounding modern-day love are so exhausting. There is nothing we need to live up to in order to love someone. There is nothing we need to feel expect how we feel and there is no template that we must fit into to feel that way. I am not trying to disregard the customs and traditions of any cultures. I am only trying to acknowledge the reality of relationships and the truth of messily drawn family pictures. We are not the clean lines and perfect proportions of rom-com movies. We are the eight-year-old sketches on the refrigerator door, our feet much too small, holding each other’s oversized hands.
