How To Write a ‘Gone Girl’ Thinkpiece

Be sure to point out that the source material was a novel written by a woman.

Talk about how Amy’s character is derived from the minds of trollish Men’s Rights Activists, representing the evil, vindictive woman who is just out to ruin men’s lives. Ask, menacingly, if personifying this character gives their beliefs more validation.

Refer to Amy’s “cool girl” speech as a “seminal” (irony noted) trope about modern feminism. In the same paragraph, mention how Amy is not a Cool Girl, at least not in this movie version.

You compare and contrast the “cool girl” trope to the “manic pixie dream girl” trope, preferring the cool girl trope because at least it gives the power back to the woman. Or, alternatively, you talk about how these tropes are all inherently oppressive to women.

Use “bad-ass female character” at least twice.

Insist that although the story and novel are not misogynist, the discussions and take-aways contribute to misogyny. Alternate: misandry is a new form of entertainment.

If any misogyny does exist, be sure to convey that none of it is David Fincher’s fault. I mean, he does have a history of making movies with “strong female characters.” I mean, Jodie Foster in Panic Room wore a tank top to show off her toned arms. And Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head brought on the conclusion of Se7en.

Ponder if female villains are more diabolical, evil, or interesting than male villains.

Posit that Gone Girl is not about Nick and Amy, or men and woman, but about the state of modern marriage. The ties that bind are like a game of murder.

Publish the piece on Salon.

If you are publishing on Buzzfeed, include the gif of Nick wiping the sugar off of Amy’s lips.

Choose no more than two of the following phrases: problematic, brave, ground-breaking for women, women are buying the movie tickets.

Spend half of the piece marveling at the eighth of a second we can see Ben Affleck’s penis.