Jennifer Lawrence, “Cool Girl,” Gets Ready for the Oscars

Inspired by Anne Helen Peterson’s great piece “Jennifer Lawrence and the History of Cool Girls” on Buzzfeed.

Alicia, Jennifer Lawrence’s assistant, knocks on her hotel room door. “Jen, time to get up. We have to get ready….”

Alicia uses her card key to enter Jennifer’s room. Jennifer is lying on top of the bed, head thrown back and snoring loudly. Strewn around her on the bed are Ho-Ho wrappers and Taco Bell containers. Alicia shakes Jennifer’s shoulder. Jennifer wakes up with a start, sits straight up and says, “I swear officer, that wasn’t my double-cock dildo!”

“Jen, Jen, it’s me, it’s time to get ready,” Alicia says.

Jennifer suddenly recognizes Alicia and laughs. “Oh man, I was having the strangest dream! I was-”

“-trying to hold up the dildo store again, while wearing a chicken suit?”

Jennifer laughs, letting a belch and fart escape at the same time. “Yup, the same dream I always have….Oh Leesh, remind me never to eat gorditas after midnight again!”

“Sure, Jen, sure.” Alicia had heard that before. “Come on, you’re going to be late. We have to get you dressed.”

“Oh no biggie. I’ll just wear my yoga pants and blood-stained hospital gown again,” Jennifer says, picking up the rumpled clothing from the floor. As she bends over, her ass crack is on proud display.

“Crack is wack, Jen,” Alicia giggles.

“Why you-” Jennifer chases Alicia around the room, tripping over the chair and knocking over the bureau mirror and smashing it to pieces. She also spills her entire breakfast everywhere, orange juice splashing off the ceiling. She catches Alicia, holds her down, and punches her in the face.

The ladies screech and giggle over their kerfuffle. Jennifer sits up and surveys the damage of the room, orange juice dripping off her face and glass shards embedded in her face. “I am so clumsy!” she laughs.

“Hey, hold it together,” says Alicia, “you gotta walk that red carpet without falling.” Alicia winks ever so subtley.

“God, they’d better have chicken wings and beer at this thing. I don’t like all this fancy stuff, I’d rather it be like I was just at the bar, kicking it with my boys.”

Alicia chuckled, and helped wipe the crumbs off Flamin’ Hot Cheetos off of Jennifer’s face. “You never really had lots of female friends.”

“Yeah,” said Jennifer, her finger up her nose, digging around. “I just relate to guys more.”

There was a knock at the door. It was Julio, Jennifer’s stylist. “The dress has arrived!” he announced as he walked in.

“Oh that thing?” Jennifer scoffed. “I don’t even know how to wear that. Where does my head go?” Jennifer mimed getting lost in a garment. They all laughed. Jennifer was so wacky. It was impossible to tell that she was also a huge movie star.

“Stand up here, love,” Julio said, patting the ottoman, “so I can fit this on you.”

Jennifer tried to get up on the ottoman about seven or eight times, but fell over each time. The three of them were laughing so hard they could barely stand.

“I’m going to pee my pants!” shrieked Jennifer. And then she did.

After Alicia finally cleaned her up, they finally got her on the ottoman and Julio got her into the dress.

“Hey, can you stop eating that Hamburger Helper for one second?” Julio asked. “You’re getting it all over this dress!”

Jennifer shoved a dripping handful of the Hamburger Helper in her mouth. “Not to mention I might not fit into this dress because I eat like such a pig” she said, licking her fingers and then smoothing the dress down over her perfectly flat stomach and perfect ass.

“Well, you must have worked very hard to get in shape for this,” Julio pondered.

“UUUUgggghhhh,” Jennifer exclaimed, bits of Hamburger Helper flying from her mouth. “Exercise! It’s so annoying. I HATE it and never do it,” waving around her perfectly toned arms in annoyance.

Alicia looked at her watch. “The limo will be here in five minutes.” They managed to tear Jennifer away from a pile of Hot Pockets and get her to the lobby. She didn’t need any makeup, as always, and they just ran a quick comb through her hair.

There was already a throng of paparazzi outside the hotel trying to catch the stars as they got into their limos. Marty Scorcese walked by. “Hey Lawrence!” he said and twitched his bushy eyebrows. “Come join me, Jack, Mark and Leo for poker sometime!” and then squeezed her butt.

After they watched him get into his limo, Jennifer turned to Alicia and Julio and screamed at the top of her lungs. “I….can’t…believe….Martin…Scorcese…..” she feigned having a heart attack and punched herself in the chest a few times. Everyone around them laughed and the media high-fived themselves for getting such an adorable moment on film.

Finally, Jennifer’s limo pulled up. As she walked toward it, the throng of reporters swarmed her. “Jennifer, are you nervous about tonight?” one screamed in her face.

“I’m just glad I didn’t forget my tampons!” she replied and made an “oh my god I can’t believe I’m actually here” face, despite it being her third Oscar nomination and having a ticket front row seat next to Bradley Cooper.

Jennifer stepped up to the limo. but her heel caught on her dress, and she stumbled backwards, and did a backwards somersault, flinging her dress over her head, revealing huge granny panties.

“Did everyone get that? it will make a great gif,” remarked Julio.