CINDY: high achieving high school student, student council president, etc.
KRISTIN: New girl in school, a badass troublemaker, was kicked out of her previous school, dresses sort of punk with eyeliner, ripped fishnets, etc.
CHARLIE: theatrical, flamboyant gay student, drama club
FLIPPER: timid, Cindy’s sidekick and “yes” woman
TRENT: hottest guy in school
VICE PRINCIPAL TRAVOLTA: Mr. Belding-esque type of principal.
TOM CRUISE: watches over the high school
[Setting: the hallway in front of some lockers in a typical high school. There is an “L RON HUBBARD HIGH SCHOOL sign. The students are wearing variations on a business suit as a uniform. There is a large “GO THETANS!” banner in the hall, as well as a large poster of Tom Cruise.]
[CINDY leads KRISTIN to CINDY’S locker, talking to her. KRISTIN looks disinterested and a bit annoyed by her.]
CINDY: So, the first thing you’ll want to do is decide which AP classes you want to take. It’s important that you decide now, because five billion years from now, when we’ve all left earth to join our true masters on the planet, you don’t want to regret it. Me, I’m taking AP Soul Conversion Therapy and AP History of John Travolta Films, post Pulp Fiction.
KRISTIN: Yea, I don’t care. Where do the smokers hang out?
CINDY: [looks alarmed] You are a smoker? That adds more toxins to your body! You’ll never reach The Bridge of Total Freedom!
KRISTIN: The Bridge to Total Freedom? Is that a place I can score some pharmeseudicals?
CINDY: No, the Bridge to Total Freedom is the optimal state of the human body, where nothing gets in your way of achieving your highest functioning self.
KRISTIN: Sounds retarded.
CHARLIE : [suddenly approaches] By the leather finished interior of Xenu’s spacecraft, who is this? Honey, I’ll bet you were a gargoyle on L. Ron Hubbard’s castle in a former life.
CINDY: This is Kristin, she’s new, and I was just TELLING her that smoking is going to mess up her cleansing. They won’t let her go on the field trip to the Celebrity Centre if they find out.
CHARLIE: Charlie. Charmed I’m sure [holds out his hand as if to be kissed. Kristin spits her gum into his hand. Charlie screams.]
CINDY: You’ll have to excuse Charlie. His head has grown three intergalactic sizes since he landed the lead role in the drama club’s production of Battlefield Earth.
CHARLIE: Bitter much? We’ve given it the Fosse treatment. [Gives a Fosse-esque pose].
CINDY: You all are hopeless.
VICE PRINCIPAL: [walks by] Hey kids!
ALL: Good morning Vice Principal Travolta!
VICE PRINCIPAL: Stay pure, kids, no riff raff, HE is watching!
ALL: Yes, Principal Travolta.
VP: Cindy, I see you have taken our new student under your wing. I couldn’t think of a better person to do so. Remember, an informed person is a superior, and ethically cleansed person!
ALL: Of course, Vice Principal Travolta! [He briskly exists.]
FLIPPER [approaching meekly]. Hey guys. [Is overly shy and awkward.]
CHARLIE: So did you get us the fake ids?
KRISTIN: Now that’s what I’m talking about! I knew you had a bad side, ms. Tight Twat.
[FLIPPER passes out ids to Cindy and Charlie. KRISTIN grab’s CINDY’s id to look at.]
KRISTIN: Let’s see what we have here. My cousin in Fresno made one for me, but it said I was a fifty three year old Vietnamese man……hold it Four Eyes, it says here that Cindy is 17 million years old. Very funny.
CINDY: [grabbing it back from Kristin] No duh! She included past lives of course.
CHARLIE: Yea, I was one of Will Roger’s follies girls before being transferred into this fabulous body.
KRISTIN: I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but if these can get you into clubs, then I’m in favor.
FLIPPER: um, there not for clubs. It’s so we can get into a higher audited class, and bring us much closer to the Bridge of Total Freedom!
KRISTIN: Again, with this Bridge of Total Freedom. This isn’t a Heaven’s Gate type of thing? Are you guys going to throw yourselves off of it?
CHARLIE: Uh, tweak much?
KRISTIN: Listen, I just want to know where I can score the best ”R”, if you know what I mean. [They all look clueless.] You know, Mind Candy? Vitamin R? Rin Tin Tin? [They all still just shake their heads, Kristin sighs]. Where can I get some Ritalin????
[All give an exaggerated scared gasp and act overly traumatized.]
CINDY: Kristin, how can you talk about…..[loud whisper] PSYCHIATRY MEDICATION?
CHARLIE: HE’S always listening [points to poster of Tom Cruise].
CINDY: Psychiatry is NEVER mentioned here. You don’t want to get a reputation, do you?
KRISTIN: A reputation? Hah! That’s what got me kicked out of my public school, the Catholic School, Jewish Day School, Quaker School, Bilingual School, and Buddhist School. This was really the only option left. So if I get a reputation, so be it.
CHARLIE: Girl, I admire you- you are just doin’ you, am I right? Live your best life, much? [He takes out an e-auditing machine and uses it on KRISTIN. KRISTIN struggles to get away from him and bumps into TRENT, who happened to be walking by. ]
TRENT: Oh, excuse me. [Smiles handsomely.]
KRISTIN: [looks him up and down] Well, this place isn’t so bad after all.
TRENT: Hey uh, you’re new right?
KRISTIN: Chya. [flirts]
TRENT: I saw you in the cafeteria line.
KRISTIN: Oh yea, what’s you see in the cafeteria line? Anything you like?
TRENT: Maybe. I like my food fresh.
KRISTIN: Oh yea? Well than consider me an organic grocery store.
TRENT: Well, maybe I’ll pop in sometime. I hear they have something I’d like to take to prom.
TRENT: Maybe. [They stare and flirt for a while before he leaves. The others look excited and CINDY is furious.]
FLIPPER: UH! MAH! GAWD! Trent is like the hottest guy in school!
CHARLIE: Unprecendted much? I heard he only dates pre-clears! You’re just a new recruit! Wait til those drama bitches hear this gossip.
KRISTIN: Yea, maybe this school ain’t so bad after all.
[CINDY IS STILL FUMING]
KRISTIN: Oh, hey Cin-City, it’s not like he was your guy, right?
FLIPPER: Cindy was planning on asking him to the Enchantment under the Bridge to Total Freedom prom?
CINDY: Shut up, Flipper.
VP [walking by again]: Hey kids!
ALL: Hi Vice Principal Travolta!
VP: Now you kids get to class, you hear? Remember, tardiness causes an intergalactic space federation war.
ALL: Yes, Mr. Travolta [he exits.]
KRISTIN: Well, I guess me and my reputation gotta get going. Come on guys, I’ll show you how to roll joints out the attendance cards. [She leaves with CHARLIE and FLIPPER]
[CINDY stays behind and seeths. She punches the locker and freaks out a bit, losing her cool. Suddenly she remembers the Tom Cruise poster and composes herself. ]
CINDY: Oh, I’m sorry Tom. I wish you didn’t see me like that. I’ll do better next time.
TOM CRUISE: I’ll let it go this time, Cindy. Remember, I see and know all. Now get to class.
CINDY: Yes, I will. [She smoothes her hair and clothes and pastes a smile on her face and begins to walk.]
TOM CRUISE: And make sure you see Jack Reacher. It was not marketed the way it should have been.