Skills for Love: 5 Ways to a Happy Relationship
“Would I fly an Airbus without having learned it?! But in something as important as love, we think we know how to do it. But love is not a feeling, not a natural gift. But a skill we should learn.” – Alain De Botton
When we think of love, we think of butterflies in our stomachs, of that first kiss, of being nervous around our crush. We think of feeling understood, curious, ecstatic, adventurous, passionate. We think of Romeo and Juliet, love letters, proposals, weddings, and possibly even diamonds.
Why, when we hear the word ‘love’, do we think only about the positives? We might want to experience all the good while being spared of the bad. We may want love simply to happen to us, to sweep us off our feet, rather than work towards it. Nowadays, we expect more and more of our relationship but tend to invest less and less, which is also reflected in 40% of marriages in Switzerland ending in divorce.
I am part of a research team at the Department of Psychology of the University of Basel, where we have been undertaking a longitudinal diary study with more than 1,000 couples aged between 18 and 81. Over the course of the past three years, we witnessed couples splitting, finding new partners, or getting back together with their exes. While studying these couples, we became closely attached to their lives. We learned that even though couple members varied greatly in their age, relationship duration, sexual orientation, and relationship status, they were facing similar challenges.
British-Swiss philosopher Alain De Botton seems to be right: Love might be a skill set for us to actively acquire rather than something that happens out of mere luck. From our own study but also from related research I learned a great deal about what makes for a happy relationship.
Here are five examples:
1. Personality similarity doesn’t matter
“You like coffee too?” When you start dating someone, every single similarity between you and your partner pops up like a sign that says: “You’re made for each other!” Indeed, couple members tend to be similar in their education, ethnic background, and religious views and this similarity also links to higher satisfaction and longevity in a couple. At times, we might even think that it is “a must have” on our shopping list for a potential partner to be completely similar in our personality traits. However, we found that similarity in personality traits is a mere “nice to have.” If you and your partner are agreeable, emotionally stable, and conscientious people, chances are that you are happy regardless of whether you are similar in these traits or not.
2. A change of perspective
As I worked with couples in therapy, I noticed that a change of perspective can work wonders. This is also confirmed by an intervention study which showed that if couples start thinking about how a neutral party would respond to an argument they are experiencing, they fared better over time compared to couples who did not apply a third-party perspective. So if you find yourself in a heated argument, take a step back and think about what your grandma would say to all of this.
3. Sharing and caring
Self-disclosure is important in relationships. Generally, you can share three types of information with your partner.
Facts: “It’s rainy today!”
Thoughts: “I thought a lot about last night…”
Feelings: “I was so frustrated at work today.”
Self-disclosing to your partner and your partner self-disclosing to you can increase intimacy when both partners react responsively to the partner sharing.
4. Focusing during arguments
Have you ever had an argument with your partner about household chores and suddenly you were fighting about your in-laws? Initially, you were minorly irritated, but your anger created a stir that spilled your unhappiness across all other relationship topics. This process is called “kitchen sinking”: throwing everything at your partner except the kitchen sink. Kitchen sinking fights lead nowhere and especially not to a problem being solved. Even thinking about your partner’s past transgressions during a fight harms your relationship satisfaction. So stay focused!
5. Staying self-aware, staying flexible
Some of our participants told us how reporting on their daily couple experiences has made them reflect more about their relationship and more mindfully approach their partner. It seems that a simple exercise such as answering questions about the past day as a couple can have a lasting impact. This is in line with study results published just a few months ago: Focusing on your well-being increases it.
Relationships are dynamic and subject to all kinds of changes. As I am writing this post, our four-month-old son is wrapped on me in a baby sling. Being a partner and a parent can be challenging. I am well aware of the evidence on the negative impact of parenthood on relationship satisfaction. To counteract, I strive to be flexible and patient while we are settling into the new role as parents. Things that worked for our relationship before need to be adjusted to our current circumstances; it’s time to be creative!
Words that I currently associate with love are: Wonder, cuddles — and sleep.
To show your support for this post and recommend it to your followers, click on the clap icon 👏 below.
The University of Basel has an international reputation of outstanding achievements in research and teaching. Founded in 1460, the University of Basel is the oldest university in Switzerland and has a history of success going back over 550 years. Learn more
