5 Ways ADHD Liberated Me from ACEs Trauma and Improved My Parenting
Being a single Black mom with ADHD, living with blindness and low vision, has been quite a journey. However, my recent ADHD diagnosis has opened up new perspectives and strategies that have not only helped me manage my own challenges but have also positively impacted my parenting. In this article, I’ll explore five ways in which my ADHD diagnosis has liberated me from some of my adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) trauma, ultimately making me a better parent.
1. Embracing Imperfection:
Since my ADHD diagnosis, a major shift I’ve experienced is my newfound acceptance of imperfection. Growing up, I felt immense pressure to excel in everything, leading to stress and anxiety. According to a recent study by Fan and Wang (2023) on executive function, and ADHD in young children, individuals with ADHD tend to struggle with perfectionism due to executive function challenges that can start as early as preschool age, causing a call for early screening and intervetion. This experience isn’t unique, especially in the African-American community today, where many elder millennials are recognizing that, in their upbringing, their Gen X/Baby Boomer parents and grandparents placed a heavy emphasis on surpassing societal expectations. These expectations often stemmed from socioeconomic, healthcare, legal, and political disparities that persist today. This pressure is commonly described as having to “fly in spaces where others can walk” due to the need to outperform academically and professionally to meet familial or cultural standards. Intersectionality studies reveal that similar pressures exist among different cultures, races, and those with varying physical and mental abilities. In the case of neurodivergence, there was often a lack of diagnosis or even terminology to discuss these differences, leaving individuals labeled as “odd,” “different,” or “special.”
Recognizing this, I’ve consciously shifted my parenting style by not demanding perfection from my children. Instead, I encourage them to do their best and learn from their mistakes. This change has relieved the pressure on all of us and created a more open and understanding atmosphere at home.
2. Communication is Key:
One of the fundamental aspects of breaking cycles in African-American parenting traditions is open communication. My ADHD diagnosis has taught me the value of addressing issues when they happen. Whether it’s a disagreement or a misunderstanding, I now prioritize discussing problems with my children immediately, instead of taking a chance on waiting for them to grow up. Not everything is “grown folks business” as it was quoted when I was younger. And, thanks to the internet, children have the capacity to understand more complex and critical issues, such as racial injustice, a lot earlier. This approach not only prevents pent-up emotions, and one or two whole salaries-worth of therapy, but also promotes healthy communication skills they can carry with them into adulthood.To be clear, therapy is awesome for all, and it is still true that not every waking thought and issue needs to be discussed with a child — discernment and wisdom are key for implementation of either of these.
3. Flexibility and Adaptation:
Living with ADHD has shown me the importance of being flexible and adaptable. I’ve realized that rigid routines don’t always work for me, and the same applies to my children. This flexibility has allowed me to tailor our daily routines to our unique needs. Research by Burns and Martin (2014) highlights the connection between ADHD and the ability to adapt to changing situations, which has been beneficial in my parenting journey, or should I say — rollercoaster! The way this shows up in my parenting is in a task as simple as utting away laundry. Compared to the “hotel folding standards” for linens, and the retail standards for clothes, I am taking a different approach. As long as the clothes are put away and organized in a chaos that allows for them to be found by category, that will suffice. In my case, the old “Mommy Dearest” infamous line, “NO WIRE HANGERS!” does not necessarily apply. I will chose a wire hanger over the floor, and a drawer of unfolded but matched socks over socks strewn throughout the house for over a week because no one ever put them away in the first place.
4. Celebrating Small Wins:
ADHD has a way of making everyday tasks feel like monumental challenges. As such, I’ve learned to celebrate small wins both for myself and my children. Whether it’s completing a school project or simply organizing their rooms, we acknowledge and celebrate these achievements. This positive reinforcement fosters self-esteem and motivation, reducing the impact of ACEs on their self-perception.
5. Seeking Support and Understanding:
This ADHD diagnosis has also encouraged me to seek support and understanding from professionals, friends, and family. This willingness to seek help sets a positive example for my children because I am empowered in talking through my daily/weekly challenges, being an exemplar for them to do the same. This is what was modeled for me, and thus how I was expected to perform, both professionally and in relationships, but it only created unrealistic expectations for adulthood. I refuse to encourage another generation to perform, but rather to choose how they identify with their emotions. My children are actively learning that it’s okay to ask for support when needed, and it’s a sign of strength, not weakness. I also believe it is empowering to allow young ones to talk and voice their thoughts on problem-solving, depending on the issue, when parents are distressed and seek support in kids’ opinions. Growing in understanding of when and how to seek support has been crucial in the collective journey to overcome ACEs. thrive, and hopefully prevent a few ACEs for the next geenration.
Living with ADHD, now that I know exactly what it is, has been a transformative experience, liberating me from the trauma of ACEs and positively influencing my parenting. Embracing imperfection, prioritizing communication, being flexible, celebrating small wins, and seeking support have all played vital roles in my personal development and that of my kids. By breaking the cycle of perfectionism and embracing our unique strengths, we are creating a more nurturing and psychologically safe environment for my children and me to grow and thrive together.
References:
Burns, E., & Martin, A. (2014). ADHD and Adaptability: The Roles of Cognitive, Behavioural, and Emotional Regulation. Journal of Psychologists and Counsellors in Schools, 24(2), 227–242. doi:10.1017/jgc.2014.17
Burns, E., & Martin, A. (2014). ADHD and Adaptability: The Roles of Cognitive, Behavioural, and Emotional Regulation. Journal of Psychologists and Counsellors in Schools, 24(2), 227–242. doi:10.1017/jgc.2014.17
