People who often say this kind of thing must not be friends with each other.
People who often say this kind of thing must not be friends with each other.
Have you ever experienced a moment like this:
There are always people around you who firmly say that you are not good, no matter how you clarify it, it is useless.
The other side always believes that you are a bad person.
At this time, we will easily fall into self-doubt, thinking that we are not good.
But I want to tell you: Sometimes, what others say about you reflects his heart.
Why does the other side always say that I am not good?
Recently, a friend told me about her troubles.
Two months ago, she was transferred to a new department.
Because she hopes to integrate into the new group as soon as possible, she is very proactive and willing to help workmates.
But not long after, an accident happened.
She had a conflict with her workmate, and the other side kept saying that she was a selfish person.
The reason is that one day her workmate asked my friend to help with the work at hand, but my friend happened to ask for leave that day and had to leave work early, so she rejected her workmate.
Her workmate has always been very concerned about this and bluntly said that my friend is selfish.
In the beginning, my friend felt it was not good that he was not helpful, so, in the following work, he often expressed to her workmate that he was willing to help.
After helping on and off for about two weeks, the relationship between the two has improved.
My friend thought: this should be able to change her workmate's view of him.
However, unexpectedly, one time my friend rejected her workmate again because he was too busy with his work, and her workmate became angry again.
This time, she not only said that my friend was selfish but also said that my friend had no sense of responsibility and no sense of teamwork.
My friend is a person who is used to introspecting herself, and this result made her even more distressed:
Why do I do so much, but the other side still thinks I am selfish?
Am I not doing enough? Am I really wrong?
But after listening to my friend’s narration, I have the same attitude as other friends:
From the beginning to the end, you are not selfish, you are always eager to help,
On the contrary, her workmate only think about themselves every time, and they are getting more and more insatiable,
She is the selfish one!
With everyone’s reminders, my friend slowly came to his senses, convinced that there was nothing wrong with him.
However, if you observe carefully, you will find that many people have encountered similar problems:
When others keep saying that they are not good, they try to prove and clarify themselves repeatedly, but to no avail. When their strength is exhausted, they fall into the quagmire of self-doubt — —
Am I really that bad?
But everyone around me knows that this is not the case.
What others say about you reflects his heart
In relationships, there is often a situation where:
When others think you are bad, it is not that you are really bad, but that they themselves are bad.
However, he couldn’t accept his own badness.
So, I transferred this thing to you and repeatedly said that you are not good, so as to make myself less anxious.
This phenomenon is called “projection”.
Projection is a very common psychological phenomenon in interpersonal relationships.
Once upon a time, an interesting story between Sofia and Fernanda is a good explanation of what “projection” is all about.
Once, the two meditated together.
Sofia looked at the yellow dress that Fernanda was wearing and then blurted out: You look like a piece of shit to me.
But Fernanda remained calm, instead of scolding Sofia, she said: I think you look like an angel.
Sofia was overjoyed and felt that she had won.
But when I got home, I laughed at Sofia who actually lost — —
Fernanda looks like an angel because she has an angel in her heart;
Sofia looks like shit because she has shit in her heart.
The two “project” what they think in each other’s mind onto each other.
In interpersonal relationships, such “projections” are very common.
Among them, “negative projection” is the most likely to damage the relationship.
When a person cannot accept a certain (dark) part of himself, he will unconsciously “project” this part onto others, and then violently attack the other side.
Just like my friend’s workmate, in fact, she has a selfish part in her heart (thinking that others are obliged to complete the work for herself), and at the same time, she cannot admit her selfishness.
So I “projected” onto my friend, accusing my friend of being selfish.
So, on the surface, this is a contradiction between two people;
But in fact, this is just the inner struggle of her workmate.
Similar things are very common in life, so we often see the situation of “the thief shouting, stop the thief”.
For example, I met a lady who was PUA.
She is extremely caring and considerate to her boyfriend, but the other side always dislikes her for being strong and hurtful.
But in the eyes of outsiders, it is obvious that her boyfriend is the one who is strong and hurts others.
There is also the phenomenon of “keyboard warriors” that can be seen everywhere.
Under much hot news, some people always make critical and insulting remarks.
These people may not have a detailed understanding of the truth behind it, but when they criticize and insult, they always have a firm tone.
In fact, what they said was more a projection of the dark side of their hearts.
It should be noted that this “projection” cannot be changed through simple clarification.
Like my friend’s encounter, because the root of the matter lies in her workmate’s inner conflicts, even if my friend helps her a hundred times, as long as her workmate’s inner conflicts remain, they will still issue accusations.
If you want to add a crime, there is nothing to worry about.
To really stop this “projection”, there are only two possibilities:
1. The other side is aware of its own problems.
For example, Sofia realized afterward that scolding Fernanda was actually not enough in his practice, so he will adjust later.
2. We perceive ourselves in time and refuse to be “projected”.
When encountering “negative projections” in reality, we often cannot change others.
Instead of expecting others not to “project”, it is better to refuse in time.
Next, we will focus on how to reject “negative projection”.
Reject Negative Projection: Awareness + Enhance Value Sense
Casting successfully requires 2 steps:
One side issues a “cast”,
The other agrees with the “projection”.
This means that when faced with “negative projections”, we can choose to deny identification.
The premise of rejection is whether you realize that you have been “projected”.
In the example of my friend and her workmate, when I told my friend the principle of “projection”, she was able to let go of it slowly.
Later, when her workmate talk about her again, my friend will remind herself in her heart: she is talking about herself, not me.
When thinking this way, my friend will no longer reflect on himself, or change his behavior, and then become able to calmly face the attack — —
You scold youself, what should I do by myself?
Maybe you will worry about:
Others’ criticisms of us, in addition to being “negative projections”,
It may also be a pertinent suggestion, how to distinguish it?
Here, I would like to share with you 3 judgment indicators for reference. When the situation meets the following conditions, it is more likely to be a “negative projection”.
When someone says you are not good, don’t deny yourself immediately, first think about the following questions — —
1. Does he judge you more like himself?
When someone says you are selfish, you can compare your behavior with that of the other person to see who is more appropriate to put this adjective on.
For example, my friend found that it is not selfish to take the initiative to help others, but her workmate always asks others for help, which is more like selfishness.
This means that her workmate’s judgment of my friend is actually a kind of “negative projection”.
2. Do few people comment on you in this way?
Each of us will form a general understanding of ourselves in our past relationships.
Most of the people who have been with my friend would say that she is friendly to others.
Be especially vigilant when suddenly confronted with a radically different evaluation (selfishness).
Because the abnormal evaluation is most likely derived from the other side’s “projection”.
At the same time, maintaining a rich and diverse social network is also conducive to forming a more accurate self-cognition and helping to identify better “projections”.
3. Does the other side refuse to clarify/discuss?
Normal criticism is open to clarification and discussion.
For example, if you think I am selfish, but I disagree, we can discuss this rationally.
And, when I adjust my behavior, you will naturally change your opinion of me.
On the contrary, “projective criticism” often does not accept refutation.
They will insist that you are not good, and they will not listen to different voices at all.
The above is the method used to identify “projection” in everyday relationships.
In reality, there is another special situation that comes from “authoritative projection”:
I thought I was pretty good, but when an authority figure thought I was bad, I fell into severe self-doubt.
Assuming that my friend is not a workmate who is selfish, but a superior leader or an authority figure such as an elder or a teacher, then the difficulty of coping will also increase.
In this case, there are 3 steps we can do:
1. Embrace self-doubt.
It needs to be admitted that in this situation, it is very normal to have doubts about yourself.
So, when doubt strikes, remind yourself:
It’s okay, everyone will have moments of self-doubt, and it’s normal.
2. Reserve the right to evaluate yourself.
We can listen to authority, but remember to always reserve the right to judge ourselves.
3. Improve your sense of self-worth.
To enhance your sense of value, you need to insist on living out yourself and doing things that you recognize as having value.
There are no shortcuts in this process, only one step at a time.
It’s not easy, but as long as we keep going, we will live more and more powerfully, and be able to withstand the wind and rain of the outside world more and more.
One athlete devoted a lot of practice to his favorite ice and snow sports, and finally won the Olympic gold medal.
In the process, he also gains a solid sense of self-worth.
After the game, a reporter asked him a sharp question: “There are audiences in the United States who don’t like you, what do you think about this?”
Although this athlete is young, when faced with doubts, he answered very easily: “They don’t like me, it’s their loss.”
Behind this, he is very clear about what kind of person he is, and he also admits that there are shining places in his body.
So I won’t doubt myself immediately just because others say him is not good.
A solid sense of value will form a solid barrier to filter the oncoming gossip and block out those “projections” that do not conform to reality, so as to protect yourself.
write at the end
When I talk about identifying “vicious projections” in relationships, I don’t mean to refuse introspection, but to say:
Although “projection” sometimes brings us a lot of trouble, it is not all bad;
This is also to remind us to be aware of ourselves and learn to listen to our own voice, instead of being completely influenced by the outside world.
A better-balanced state should have both the ability of introspection and the ability to reject “vicious projections”.
The development and maturity of any personality require the experience of facing the “projection” of the outside world again and again and then growing one’s own heart little by little.
Just like a small sapling, it needs to experience wind and rain before it can grow into a strong and towering tree.
