Why It’s Important To Focus On The Changing Relationship With Your Body and The Food You Put In It
For so long, we have been trained to look a certain way and eat a certain way. Everyone around us determined what was best for us, what was right for us. Needless to say, your relationship with your body is one of the most important, yet difficult relationships in your life. It is your body that gives you life. That allows you to live — sit, stand, walk, run, breathe, rest, sleep. If you don’t take care of yourself, everything your body does for you will slowly start to crumble.
Who am I?
I’m a 23 year old woman, 5'9" and I weigh around 53kgs/117 lbs. I have struggled with my body and my relationship with food. I’m in a better place now, but I cannot say my relationship is completely perfect. It will always be work in progress but what’s important is how I feel. I have never felt better, stronger, healthier, or more confident in the way I look.
Growing up, I was easily affected by what other people would say about my appearance.
“You’re so thin, you don’t eat enough”, “Why are you working out, you don’t need to lose weight”, “You don’t look healthy, you must be weak”, “You need to gain some weight”
What has my relationship with my body looked like so far?
2007–2013
I was always very tall for my age, above the average height for a young Indian girl. Despite my growth spurt resulting in immense growing pains and a humongous appetite for dinner every night, I had a metabolism that didn’t allow for any weight gain. As a pre-teen and early teenager, I was an awkward, lanky girl. The beauty of being that young though, is that I didn’t really care about how I looked. I was too busy having fun in school, focusing on my hobbies, and in general living a blissful and ignorant life.
2013–2015
Once I turned 16, I noticed that what I put in my body started to affect how I looked. Going on vacation and indulging myself with fried food and sweet treats would actually result in visible weight gain on my abdomen, thighs and arms. Living an active and healthy lifestyle (enforced in my household due to my very healthy, “you don’t look your age” parents at home), it was easy for me to lose that weight as well. I never restricted what I ate. I would eat what I wanted, whenever I wanted it, and move on. I did hear from other people that I looked better, healthier, having gained weight. The comments began to bother me more than the actual weight gain did. I never equated higher weight to being a healthier person. I was just as agile, just as strong as I was before that vacation. I didn’t understand how some fat on my thighs made me healthier.
2015–2018
I spent 3 weeks in America in July 2015, the summer before beginning college. For each week I spent there, I gained 1kg/2.2lbs. I came back hating the way I looked. None of my clothes fit the same, I didn’t look the same in pictures, I didn’t look the same in the mirror. I didn’t feel strong. Influenced by mom, who started working out as a college student, I too began training with a personal trainer. The changes in my body were very quick, again thanks to my high metabolism. In a matter of 6–10 months I converted the fat gain to muscle mass. It was a whole new world for me, tracking my progress based on an increase in the weights I would exercise with.
It was this time I spent in the gym where I would constantly have to defend myself for working out despite being so thin and not needing to lose weight. Nobody understood that I was exercising to get stronger, not skinnier. I loved the routine of working out five days a week everyday after college. It made me disciplined, motivated and healthier.
In March 2018, I got scouted by a modeling agency. They appreciated my facial features, but it was highly recommended to me that I shed a couple inches, especially around my hips/glutes area. I wasn’t too thrilled upon hearing this but one thing I will appreciate is that they never insinuated my diet or lifestyle was wrong, they were pleased with my dedication to working out and taking care of myself. They suggested I changed my style of exercise. As an amateur model wanting to land some gigs, I experimented.
2018–2019
For 1.5 years, I stopped working out with weights and only focused on body weight exercises. I did a lot of yoga, stretching, and balance related exercises. I definitely lost inches and within a matter of months it was evident that my muscle mass had gotten lean. Due to a slightly irregular menstrual cycle, something I’ve always experienced, my mom expressed her concern of my exercise regimen affecting my hormones. I did my share of visiting doctors and ensuring that I was functioning perfectly internally. Meanwhile, externally, I felt like I was at the peak of my strength. No dumbbell ever made me feel this strong and I loved how I looked.
In August 2019, I moved to America to pursue a Master’s degree.
2019–2021
Graduate school is a difficult time and it’s hard to prioritize exercising when there are so many other things going on. It is also the time I got introduced to stress eating, and my relationship with food (something I haven’t mentioned at all so far since it was never significant to me) came crashing down. I would binge on ice cream and cookies whenever I was stressed. The unhealthy food made me further lethargic and unmotivated to exercise. I would attempt to restrict myself from certain food, only to end up binge eating all of it at once a few days later. I found myself in the gym twice or thrice a week, working out without the guidance of a trainer. I tried my best but I knew that my reason for being in the gym in the first place was wrong.
I stopped working out to maintain my strength, and started working out because I felt guilty about what I had been eating.
I punished myself for what I would stress eat. I turned to food to preserve my sanity while utterly alone in a tiny, basement studio apartment for 10 weeks when COVID-19 shut the world down in March 2020. With gyms closed, I tried working out at home and going for walks but everything was still an effort of me trying to overcome my guilt. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling sad/stressed, eating, feeling guilty, feeling sad/stressed.
In my final semester, I tried to control my stress eating by finding another release. I began working out to rid myself of job-hunting stress. Exercising may not have been with the purpose for me to get stronger, but at least it no longer came from a place of guilt. That was a win for me.
Spending 6 weeks at home in India surrounded by my family alleviated all my stress and although I wasn’t in a great place physically, I was in a much better place mentally and I had accepted that once I began my full time job, I would prioritize exercising because I was ready to feel healthy and strong again.
2021-now
From January to May I found myself in the gym 3–4 times a week. Slowly but surely I was loosing my stress-eating weight and looking more and more toned when I looked in the mirror. I could see myself improving and that only motivated me further. Additionally, not being in a stressful environment as often as I previously was aided in my weight loss. I had entirely stopped binge eating. I was back to eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. In May 2021, I began training at a yoga studio 5 times a week and this did wonders for me. Not only was it a great escape for me, it was a fun way for me to rid myself of tension and get stronger. I made friends and saw a quick change within 30 days. I’d officially moved on from my grad student body and I couldn’t be happier. My confidence shot up, I wore clothes I used to avoid wearing before and I bought clothes I’d never bother to try on before.
It’s easier said than done to ignore what other people say knowing that my opinion is the only one that matters. How I felt about my body directly affected how I felt about the food I put it in. Luckily, I have a great support system in my friends and family. Anything they say to me about me is purely from a place of love and concern, not momentary chit-chat that’s part of a whispering campaign. This is my story about my relationship with my body and food. For the readers who struggle with similar problems, I hope this is motivating knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s not easy, there is no singular correct solution, and it’s not a solo effort. Love and support from your surroundings is important. If that’s something you don’t currently have, I’m happy to be that person for you!
