How To Make Friends
This story examines the traits commonly found in the rare, charismatic people you just love being around. I don’t consider myself one of them, but have been lucky enough to meet many of these amazing people throughout my life. After years of careful analysis, I have found these traits to be most admirable in my closest friends, family members, partners, and mentors.
Tell People What You Like About Them
I often find myself admiring the traits, actions, and words of remarkable people. When this happens I generally make note of what I admire in my head, but don’t always tell the other person that I admire them for this reason. By keeping this information to ourselves we miss out on an opportunity to bond with others. People love being complimented. It makes them feel valued, appreciated, and special. When you admire someone, or admire something that they have done, don’t hesitate to tell them.
Be Grateful When Receiving Compliments
Positivity is contagious. When you cultivate an environment around yourself where you are constantly telling people what you appreciate about them they are likely to reciprocate. When they do, tell them that you appreciate the interest they have taken in your life, and appreciate their encouragement and support. This creates a positive feedback loop where you appreciate them and they appreciate you.
Focus On The Positive
My coworker Cory Rylan is especially good at this. He finds a silver-lining in every difficult situation, and always tries to guide the conversation toward a constructive outcome. When problems arise, try to find a solution. When mistakes are made, focus on what you can learn from the mistakes. Don’t let setbacks discourage you from being optimistic.
Stop Telling, Start Asking
Humans are especially bad at reasoning. We are incredibly emotional creatures, and emotions can often be irrational. As I discuss in my story The Value of Admitting Mistakes, we often struggle to identify and admit our own mistakes, even when we know that we are wrong. This is largely because no one likes being told that they are wrong — it is a frustrating and embarrassing experience for many people. One of my especially logical and intelligent coworkers often finds himself in a position where he must explain to someone why they are wrong in order to collectively arrive at a solution which is correct. In these situations he often avoids directly telling the other person that they are wrong; rather, he repeatedly asks questions which indicate the flaws in the other persons reasoning. This allows them to identify the mistake on their own, which allows them to arrive at the correct solution themselves.
Be Understanding
Everyone goes through difficult periods of life. We all have our own adversities, and we are often unaware of the adversities which others face. Instead of wondering what’s wrong with this person, ask yourself what happened to this person. You need not ask the person directly; the point here is that there are often unseen factors which influence a person’s behavior. Being aware of this fact can help us be more understanding in our relationships.
Take An Interest In Others
When I first moved to Missouri I lived with my uncle Mark, a respected physician and wise mentor. One of the things I admired most about him was his deliberate effort to take an interest in others. Every day after work he would come home and immediately go to everyone in the house and ask how they were doing. His interest extended far beyond that of mere pleasantries, as he seemed to genuinely care about how I was doing, how my day was, and what was going on in my life. It made me feel good about myself when he would take an interest in my life. It made me feel important, and reminded me that I had people in my life that cared about me.
Don’t Participate In Gossip
I consider gossip to be talking about others when they are not around, especially when discussing their flaws or shortcomings. I do not personally have an affinity toward this, yet I have found myself participating in gossip on many occasions. It is surprisingly easy to get pulled into a conversation that involves gossip, even if that is not what you intended to discuss. Instead of reluctantly getting dragged into these kinds of conversations, deliberately end these conversations as soon as they begin. Talking about others when they are not around and discussing their flaws creates drama, and if that person finds out it will likely hurt them very deeply. We often participate in gossip to make us feel better about ourselves. Instead of participating, find other ways to feel better about yourself. You are awesome, and you don’t need to talk bad about others to prove it.
Talk Less, Listen More
One of the traits I especially admire in my boss Micky McQuade is his patience. For many people, including myself, it is easy to be overly talkative. I am often very willing to share my opinion, even when others have yet to share theirs. I like to share my own experiences and thoughts with others, and often do so without being asked. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make others feel like you are not interested in their perspective or insight. People like to feel heard and respected and valued. Bill Nye once noted that everyone you meet knows something that you do not. I actively remind myself to be more passive in conversation. Strive to talk less and listen more.
Assume The Best When You Aren’t Sure
It’s very easy to make assumptions about others and assume things about what they think or how they live their life. These assumptions are not always valid, and when taken as such can damage your relationship with that person. Life is complicated. Relationships are hard. Reality is illusive. Try to avoid making assumptions about people. When you aren’t sure what to believe, assume the best. People have a tendency to live up to your expectations. Most people will appreciate it when you assume the best about them, and doing so will likely strengthen your relationship with them.
Give Respect, Expect Respect
Everyone appreciates respect, and no one likes being disrespected. The nature of respect, however, is that it goes both ways. Just like trust, genuine respect is not something that someone can choose to give you; rather, it is something that must be established through repeated interactions with that person. A great way to start this process is to expect respect from others while also eagerly giving others respect when deserved.
Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help
There is no shame in asking for help — everyone needs it sometimes. In my experience, when you are willing to ask for help you are likely to be admired for your honesty and vulnerability. I believe that there is a natural human tendency towards wanting to help those in need. Having the ability to lean on others when you need help is an extremely valuable asset. Don’t let pride stop you from taking advantage of this, and don’t hesitate to be there for others when they need your help.
Be A Fan, Not A Critic
The world is full of critics. If you look for it you are bound to find someone that hates you, hates what you believe, and hates everything that you stand for. We often encounter these people even when we aren’t looking for them. It’s easy to be a critic, but it almost never accomplishes anything constructive. Instead of finding the things that you dislike about someone, focus on the things that you do like. Find common interests. Be supportive of the people in your life, and be supportive of the things that they care about.
Just Be There
Be there for your friends when they need you. Whether your friend needs a ride to the airport, help moving out of their apartment, or a shoulder to cry on, it doesn’t matter: make yourself available. There is nothing I have appreciated more in my life than having the people around me be there when I need them. Be there for others, and they will be there for you too.
Take It Easy
Take it from someone that struggles with anxiety everyday: take it easy. Don’t judge others, don’t worry what other people think of you, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Take a deep breath. Take a moment to be grateful for the good things in your life. Live a life that you’re proud of, don’t try to please others, and enjoy the time you have left while you’re here.
Treat People The Way You Want To Be Treated
All of the above traits are probably admirable to you for the same reason: you like being treated that way yourself. When you aren’t sure how to respond in a given situation, ask yourself how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed. It’s easy to get caught up in an egotistical mindset; don’t forget to consider the perspective of others.
Be Deliberate
It is likely that at least one of the above traits does not come naturally to you, and that’s okay. No one is perfect — we are all a work in progress. Try not to allow your established habits to control your future actions, especially if you don’t like your habits. It is a liberating experience when you realize that you are in control of your own life. Identify what you want out of life and work to make it a reality.
