What Defines “True” Love?
If you’re anything like me, you may have had a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” in middle school whom you believed, at the time, was your first love. As we grow and mature, we develop a better understanding of the difference between love and infatuation and realize that just simply having strong feelings for the desired sex does not equate to the true depth of what being in love actually is.
As I reached my late teens, I definitely felt I had a more mature and abstract grasp on what being in love meant, however, I couldn’t necessarily provide you with a particularly matter-of-fact or succinct description, if asked. I figured that love consisted of a strong bond, a deep and mutual understanding of each other, having shared interests, and mutually taking the relationship seriously — being on the same page about everything. These are all still important factors that go into having a strong and successful relationship, don’t get me wrong. Though, I still didn’t have a direct or even remotely scientific answer to back up my beliefs on the definition of true romantic love.
In fact, it wasn’t until my Social Psychology class as a now-junior in university that I was given a straight-forward and sensible outline for love, with a diagram similar to the one below.
I know it’s a lot to look at, so I’ll sum it up. Basically:
Intimacy + Commitment = Companionate love. This is platonic love that you would have for friends and family. You care for them and are committed to them, but passion is absent.
Passion + Commitment = Fatuous love. This is infatuation much like the type I described with my first middle school boyfriend. Sure, I felt committed to him (short-term commitment in this sense, meaning instant liking) and actually took the relationship quite seriously for a thirteen-year-old, but I lacked the true bond and connection that comes with emotional intimacy. The immaturity at such an age does not enable you to develop intimacy.
Intimacy + Passion = Romantic love. This is what we typically consider when we think about a typical romantic relationship. At this surface level, long-term commitment planning has not ensued yet, rather just strong feelings coupled with romantic passion.
Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = Consummate love. This is the absolute form of love, representing the ideal relationship. A close bond, physical passion, and (long-term) commitment.
To elaborate more on consummate love, I want to stress the importance of self-disclosure reciprocity (which ties in with intimacy). This has got to be one of the most important takeaways regarding true love. Self-disclosure reciprocity involves both partners disclosing equivalent amounts of personally significant details. When I look back on past relationships, I can immediately distinguish why they failed by realizing they all happened to have one thing in common: the absence of self-disclosure reciprocity. I notice a trend in my failed relationships in which I seemed to be the one doing all the self-disclosing because I wanted to have a deep and meaningful intimate relationship, meanwhile, it was clear the other person was not on this same page. Hindsight is 20/20.
Self-disclosure reciprocity is very indicative of just how involved a romantic partner genuinely is. If you find yourself doing all of the communicating, all of the sharing of personal information, and your partner has not reciprocated to the same degree as you, especially several months or more into the relationship, that is telling. And not just of their intimacy. This tends to snowball into passion and commitment as well. When one region of the triangle is lacking, like intimacy, this allows you to extract hints about a partner’s overall passion and commitment levels as well. Hence, a relationship will never be in the category of consummate love without this very important factor of self-disclosure reciprocity, as it ties everything together.
So, in a few sentences, what defines “true” love?
In its most ideal form, this would mean a relationship that possesses intimacy, passion, and commitment. More specifically, optimal self-disclosure reciprocity, intense physical passion, and shared ideas and agreement of long-term commitment. It goes beyond surface-level feelings and emotions and instead pinpoints the necessary components that make for a mutually satisfying romantic relationship.
