Mind

Got complaints? Say Thanks.

How Our Pain can Lead us to Feeling Grateful.

Photo by nega on Unsplash

Around the world and throughout history, religious leaders and philosophers have extolled the virtue of gratitude. In the past two decades or so science has added greatly towards understanding the biological roots of gratitude and documented the various benefits that accompany gratitude.

Sometimes, gratitude doesn’t come easily. Sometimes, our mind is stuck on the UGHS of life. These are all valid woes, and while acknowledging them is important, it doesn’t usually help us to stay stuck in thinking about them.

I’ll share mine:

Ugh, the pandemic is so much easier for the people who don’t have kids. Ugh, pelvic organ prolapse is the worst, and I can’t even wear my baby and go on long walks and hikes. Ugh, I never have a break in my day to sit!

And a kind of silly one that just happened: you know when apps log out, and suddenly you have to enter your password again? That just happened when I tried to open the baby cam app to watch my 9-month-old napping, and I literally said out loud Ugh! It wants me to enter my password! (I’m laughing at myself as I write that).

Here’s one that happened the other night: I turned on the sink water to wash dishes, and it was scalding hot: Ugh! Why is it so hot?!

These are all valid, and sometimes we need to vent and say out loud all the yuckies of life! Sometimes we vent and move on. And if you are someone who never acknowledges that, which is hard, definitely start there — by just acknowledging and sharing what bothers and ails you.

But sometimes, our mind gets stuck in the negative. We perseverate ruminate. We complain—a lot. As our mind only thinks of the negative, our emotions follow suit. We amplify the emotional pain and distress, our body feels tense or heavy or fighty, we connect with a part of ourselves that is bitter, mad, or stuck in poor me, and we pass on toxic energy in our relationships — others start walking on eggshells around us as they realize we’re in a bad mood. While it is true that the yuckies in life are valid woes, it is not helpful for our experience to stay stuck in them. To stay stuck is not effective coping. It’s not problem-solving. It doesn’t shift our experience from a bitter, heavy, closed-off one to a lighter, more open, hopeful, and grateful one.

In fact, research has shown that a simple “Thank you” when added to your daily rhythm can improve relationships, motivation, and overall feelings of happiness. So a quick tip to move from mad to glad, from closed off to open, from bitter to grateful, from a heavy heart to an expansive one: as soon as you complain, say thank you.

Our gratitude and our pain are flip sides of the same coin.

If we can’t find our blessings, we can start with our pain and follow it like a thread as it leads us to our blessing.

Here’s how it works.

1. Ugh, I just want a break in my day.

THANK YOU.

[You don’t yet even have to know what blessing this is connected to. But the thank you will shift your brain to begin searching for what good this is connected to, and as you find it, you list it. Here, I realize I never have a break in my day because I have young children, and so I begin searching for blessing attached to the distress of being needed by children all day]

Thank you for a body that was able to get pregnant and birth children.

Thank you for my children being so healthy. They are full of lively energy. Imagine if my fertility journey didn’t result in a pregnancy. I’m so lucky. Imagine if my pregnancy ended in stillbirth or miscarraige. I’m so lucky. Imagine if my children were sick. I’m so lucky.

2. Ugh… the water was scalding hot!

Thank you.

Thank you that in a housing market so ridiculous in the Bay Area, we own a house.

Thank you that I live in an area where I never question if I have water.

Can you imagine if we didn’t have hot water? I’d wish my complaint was that the water was scalding. I’m so lucky.

Doing dishes means I’m raising a family on home-cooked meals. I’m so grateful that’s true.

3. Ugh… I miss seeing people! When is this pandemic going to end?

Thank you.

Thank you that I have people to love.

Thank you that I can name people I’d call or text or invite over.

Thank you that I am able to stay home during this time.

Imagine I had a job where I had to be at risk daily. Thank you for my safety. I’m so lucky.

4. Ugh… my body is still healing from birth! I want the freedom of movement again!

Thank you.

Thank you. I am in a position where I have children. What if our fertility challenges had never worked out? I am so lucky.

Thank you that my body works as much as it does. What if I were so injured I had difficulty holding my kids or getting through the day. Thank you so much; my body can move and complete activities of daily living.

Imaging my body was sick, and I was facing a terminal illness. Thank you so much. I don’t have to fear for my life.

Thank you for this body that does so much. I’m so lucky.

I have trained myself to internally say “Thank you” almost every time I complain. This is a little personal habit I have, and it has worked well for me. It helps me remember my blessings throughout the day and helps me try to make positive meaning out of life’s lemons.

Give it a try. If shifting to thanks annoys you, don’t do it. If it feels like toxic positivity, skip it. But if taking a beat after saying Ugh to say Thank you lets your mind begin to wander along a more pleasant path… if saying Thank you shifts your experience from bitter and heavy to light and open, then it’s a habit worth keeping.