Moldavian SciFi No. 12: Bunkerocracy (English Version)

-Let’s do it.

-Now?

-Yeah, right fucking now. They had it coming. Bring me the button.

-Here you go, sir.

(click)

(click)

(click click)

-Is it done?

-No, I don’t think so. Are you sure it works? Can you ask someone to check if anything happened out there?

-What was supposed to happen?

-I don’t know. I don’t think it worked. It’s a little too quiet.

-How come it doesn’t work? Last time I checked, it was supposed to initiate the launch sequence.

-Why is the button not working, comrade?

-I do not know, sir. Allow me to make a phone call. I will contact the contractor that was in charge of setting it up.

…

-Good afternoon

-Good afternoon

-How can I help you today?

-The button doesn’t seem to be working.

-Have you tried a system reset?

-Yes.

-Have you tried unplugging the router?

-Yes.

-Is it still offline?

-Yes.

-Please hold.

…

-I will put you through to our senior technical manager in just a few moments. Please stay on the line.

-Please hurry, the president is waiting.

-Do not hang up. It shouldn’t take a minute or so.

…

-Hi

-Hello, the button isn’t working.

-Have you unplugged the router?

-Yes, of course. What do I do next?

-Do you see a screen? Can you tell me what’s written on it now?

-What screen?

-There had to be a screen. Are you next to the button?

-Yes.

-Can you find the screen next to it?

-It doesn’t have a screen.

-You mean to say, your button has no screen?

-We took button without the screen. It was cheaper.

-You should have taken the one with the screen. It would have saved you a lot of trouble. Let me see if I can find a way to fix this… please hold.

…

-Did you pay the last issued invoice?

-What invoice?

-Payment for services. System maintenance. Our team ought to do testing and maintenance each month to ensure optimal functionality. So did you process it?

-I do not know. Where can I find this out?

-Call your finance and accounting department and then call me back on this number when you have an answer.

…

-Hi

-Hello

-What happened?

-The button doesn’t work.

-This is outside our jurisdiction.

-Did you process the provider’s invoice for maintenance?

-What invoice? We terminated that contract over 6 years ago. Budget cuts.

-Did you contract another supplier for the maintenance?

-We initiated the procurement procedure, but it was not completed … at that time, our Procurement Director was arrested by the FSB.

-How come? And now we have no contract?

-Negative. I wasn’t even aware that they still delivered invoices. Take a picture of the last invoice and send it by Whatsapp. I’ll have a look at it. Perhaps we can find a way to process it without a contract…

-There’s no need for that.

…

-Hello.

-Hello.

-The finance department said we have a problem with the contract.

-Yes, the contract is expired. We just noticed. But the payments were still made. Each month.

-How come?

-Bank wiring isn’t working due to the fact that we were cut out of the SWIFT system. They made cash payments. That’s why there was no tracking. A gentleman came in every month with a suitcase. The payments were made each month until… last month. If you bring the money by 5 p.m. we can help you. If not, then tomorrow is the 8th of March and we have the day off and we can resume this conversation on the 9th, first thing in the morning.

-Are you being serious? The president is waiting to press the button right this instance. We need it now!

-Sir, it says on our website that we work from 9 to 5. You probably don’t know this, but I have a family. I promised my wife that I’d pick up my children from school this evening. Unless you wish to call my wife and explain this to her? Or perhaps you wish to pick them up instead so that I can fix your button in the meantime?

-What should I tell the president? That you refuse to help us?

-Perhaps he can go pick up my kids. I saw that the Kremlin had no problems picking up teenagers during protests. The two of you can keep them in custody for a few days, while my wife and I go to the seaside in Sochi.

-Are you mental? How can I tell this to the president?

-Sir, I think I explained things pretty simple. Even someone as slow as yourself should have no problem following this. Once you make the payment, we will deliver. No money — no button. Do you get it now, Mr Button Man? I’m off. Have a good one!

(loud click)

…

-Mr. President, they won’t be able to fix it today. Earliest they can do is Wednesday morning.

-Why not tomorrow?

-Tomorrow is the 8th of March. National holiday, sir.

-Yes, but did you at least find out what is wrong with it?

-I do not know, sir. They will run diagnostics on Wednesday morning.

-You mean to say, that they don’t even know if it can be fixed or not?

-Exactly.

-Find another company!

…

-Hello.

(robot) Hello. You have used the paid service of the Rostel company. To choose Russian, type 1.

(type) 1

(robot) This is a paid service and the charge is at 100 rubles per minute. By staying on the line, you are therefore giving your consent to being charged. An operator will be with you shortly.

(robot) This call will be recorded in order to improve customer support services. Thank you. Please hold.

(robot in a female voice) My name is Svetlana.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-How can I help you today?

-The button is broken.

-Please elaborate.

-I need a phone number for a button repair service.

-What kind of buttons?

-Nuclear. Do you have such companies in your database?

-Unfortunately, no nukes in the system. Perhaps you are interested in other kinds of button repair companies?

-What do you mean? What other kinds of buttons are there?

-Buttons?

-I don’t know, sir. No one has ever asked me such a question before. Red… blue…

-Madam, are you being funny? This is no laughing matter, I can assure you. I’m calling from the president’s office. If you are in the mood for jokes, perhaps it is worth sending the FSB over there and you can tell them all about these blue buttons!

-Okay okay, sorry .. you don’t have to raise your voice.. I was just being a little sarcastic. Do you have a pen and paper?

-Sure.

-0 55 54 20 32.

-Noted.

-Bye.

-Bye.

…

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Can you repair buttons?

-What kind of buttons?

-Nuclear.

-Yes. We can. We repair all kinds of buttons. Do you have a contract with us?

-I do not know.

-What is your name?

-I’m calling from the Kremlin.

-Well, we actually do have a contract with the Kremlin.

-Oh… finally. Some good news.

-Can you send someone right away?

-Please wait one moment, sir. I will put you through to our technician. Please hold.

…

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I am calling in regards to the button. When can you send someone to fix it?

-Which button?

-The President’s Button.

-Well, I just told you on the phone before to come and bring the money by 5:00 p.m. and we’ll be there on Wednesday?

-Jesus Christ… are you the same guy from before? Are you the only button company in this whole federation? Seriously?

-We are the only company with a license in button repairs. There are no other companies.

-There aren’t that many skilled technicians in Russia any more. All went to work abroad.

(exhales). Book us for Wednesday morning. First thing. I am sending someone to bring you the money now.

-Please also pass on the institution’s stamp.

-Which stamp?

-From the Kremlin.

-But we aren’t at the Kremlin. We are in the Altai mountains. Is it possible without a stamp?

-No, sir, I’m afraid not. Last time we did this, we had huge problems with Gos-Nalogovaya.

-What kind of problems?

-Big problems.

-Last time I received a fine of 5000 rubles because two documents were not properly stamped.

-Let me get this straight. You expect me to send someone from Altai with the money, to get the stamp from Kremlin, by plane and then to bring both of these to you?!

-Yes. Today by 17.00. Send them by your usual Novichok courier system.

-What did you just say?

-Send anyone. Just make it fast.

-Where is your office located?

-Our office is in Nizhnii Novgorod.

-You must be fucking joking…

-Sir, I will hang up on you if you don’t change your tone. Let’s be adults about it.

-The presidents wants a word with you. Hold on.

…

-Hello. This is the president.

-Hi.

-We’re sending a FSB car to pick you up and to bring you here to fix the button. Be ready in 15 minutes. Did I make myself clear?

-Where will the come?

-To your current address. Where else?

-But I’m not at the office. I’m working from home.

-We will pick you up from you registered address.

-Yes but… you see, I’m registered in my mother-in-law’s apartment in Petersburg, but I do not live there anymore.

-Ok. So where can we find you?

-In Ukraine. Not far from Lviv.

-What do you mean? The only company that repairs buttons doesn’t have engineers in Russia?

-No, sir.

-In Russia, I only do freelance. I am officially employed here. They pay better.

-How will I fix the button then? What now?

-Maybe order another one?

-Where from?

-China.

-How long will it take? The delivery, I mean.

-I don’t know… now with covid and the war… about 40 days. Shall I put in the order for it?

-Goddamnit. Forget about it. Can’t we launch with this bloody button?

-It’s better to do it with a button.

-What do you mean it’s better with button? So there is an alternative launch method?

-Yes, but I would not advise it. It’s not as simple as you may think.

-More complicated than the button?

-Plenty… that was the whole reason behind the development of the button. It was installed there in order to simplify the launch procedure. If you don’t have a button, you need an electronic signature and in order to enable it, you must go to the office at the State Agency of Digitalization and fill-out a request form. If you go there, there’s a whole bunch of documents that you’ll need to submit together with the form. It will take a few weeks to process. They will need to deactivate your button and transfer authority to a different electronic signature device.

-What are you rambling about? What e-signature? What documents?

-Also, you will need to call the people at the launch complex in Kazakhstan and tell them about this transfer. I don’t think they are still at the office, sir. Tomorrow is a national holiday and they might have left by noon. Everyone is getting ready for the celebration. Buying flower and champagne… I suggest you call them on Wednesday morning first thing and they will inform you about the next steps.

-Ok. I get it. Come and fix the button on Wednesday.

-Should we do the order also on Wednesday?

-What order?

-The new button. I think it would be wise to put in the order today, since it arrives in 40 days. If we order it now, it’s better than waiting two more days. I imagine you wish to use the button sooner rather than later. Shall we do it now?

-Yes. Do it.

-Ok. Now we’re talking. You will need to send someone with the money for the order.

-It’s best to do it before five. Our accountant is leaving the office at 5 pm sharp.

…

-What if the button is not the actual problem?

-I guess we will see in first half of May, when the new button arrives… we will install it and if the new one also doesn’t work, then perhaps the problem is elsewhere…

-Can we have it fixed by May 9?

-I can make no such promise, but we will do our best, sir. Please make sure to process our invoice in the meantime.

-We’ll send someone to bring you the money for March, April and May… please make sure that you put in the right amount… in the suitcase … and don’t forget the stamp. Please write it down so that you don’t forget something.

-Don’t worry. I won’t forget it.

-Good.

-We will be waiting for your courier.

-Wait a minute.

-Yes?

-How are you going to order the button from China? SWIFT and VISA does not work in Russia anymore…

-We’re sending someone there. He will live for 40 days in a hotel not far from Guangzhou. Once the button is ready, he flies right back.

(sighs)

-Bye sir!

(Hangs up the phone)

…

-Why do I have to do everything around here, comrade? This is the last time that I want these kinds of things to happen. Understand? Simple trivial problems… and I have to do all the work for you. Use your head. Solve it or I will fire you.

-I understand, Mr. President. Forgive my lack of better judgement.

-Get out of here.

-Good bye sir!

(Door closes)

…

-On second thought, let’s fire him today. Can we fire him today?

-Mr President, perhaps we should wait until after Mother’s Day? It’s just before the holiday…

-So?

-Even if we wanted to … we can’t, Mr. President.

-Why?

-Paperwork. We must pay compensation and damages for premature contract termination … It’s gonna get expensive. If we don’t pay, he will sue…

-Just have him shot then.

-Who do you want to do it? The human resources department or the people from accounting?

-It was joking. Forget about it. Just fire him. It won’t be too expensive. We’ll just pay him in rubles…

Bureaucracy — the hero that we deserve. The one that saved the world… God bless Russian bureaucracy.