Game of Thrones: “Beyond the Wall” Review
Arya & Sansa show us that they wouldn’t survive in a black family, Tormund teaches an important lesson about networking, and I reveal the true identity of the Night King.
1. Hey, guys! It’s cold. Let’s talk a lot!
Before we descend into madness, let’s start with these gorgeous ass vistas. Look, I wouldn’t be caught dead in this part of Iceland, but damn if it ain’t beautiful.
Thank you, Gendry!
- For wearing a hood at least! Hey, I get it. It’s a show, and you don’t want to put your actors in hats. BUT IT’S FUCKING COLD IN A PLACE WHERE IT’S LIKE EXTRA WINTER. They should all be looking like the Night King by now.
I’m sure Tormund is joking about this line. But then again… Tormund did have that thing with a bear…
Gendry joins the Teen Complain Gang
Yeah, Gendry, your time on Dragonstone was mad weird, but if you’re asking me I’d have Melisandre do that to me every day (leeches included). #TeamMelisandre #ShesJustMisunderstood #StannisAgreedToBurnShireenToo #DontCareIfSheIs1000YearsOld #WouldStillHitIt
Thoros: You still mad at us, boy?
Gendry: You sold me to a witch.
Thoros: A priestess. I’ll admit it, it is a subtle distinction.
Baller quote alert:
“This one has been killed six times and you don’t hear him bitching about it.” — The Hound
The Oppression Olympic Trials of Winterfell
All I gotta say about the entire Winterfell storyline (sans Arya-Brienne epic sparring match) is…
😑 THIS IS SOME WHITE PEOPLE SHIT 🙄
I swear only white people would get separated for like six years, experience the beheading of their father, kidnapping, rape, torture, multiple stab wounds, betrayal, and like five thousand other things only to make to reunite with their siblings AND FOCUS ON SOME TRIVIAL SHIT.
Considering this crazy ass country y’all live in, y’all are lucky AF. But what have we spent our time watching? SOME FUCK SHIT.
The perfect eyewash scene after Arya-Sansa
THIS FACE FOREVER
This entire scene was gold. So here it is:
Tormund: You’re the one they call the dog.
Hound: Fuck off.
Tormund: They told me you were mean. Were your born mean or you just hate wildlings?
Hound: I could not give two shits about wildlings. It’s Gingers I hate.
Tormund: Gingers are beautiful. Kissed by fire. Just like you.
*points finger at the Hound*
Hound: Don’t point your fucking finger at me.
Tormund: Did you trip into the fire when you were a baby?
Hound: I didn’t trip, I was pushed.
Tormund: Ever since, you’ve been mean.
Hound: Fuck off.
Tormund: I don’t think you’re truly mean. You have sad eyes.
Hound: You want to suck my dick, is that it?
Tormund: Ah, dick. I like it.
Hound: Bet you do.
Tormund: Nope, it’s pussy for me. I have a beauty waiting for me back in Winterfell. If I ever get back there. Yellow hair, blue eyes. Tallest woman you’ve ever seen. Almost as tall as you.
Hound: Brienne of Tarth?
Tormund: You know her?
Hound: Your with Brienne of fucking Tarth?
Tormund: Well, not with her yet. But I see the way she looks at me.
Hound: We’ve met.
Tormund: I want to make babies with her. Think of them. Great big monsters. They conquer the world.
Hound: How did a mad fucker like you live this long?
Tormund: I’m good at killing people.
The face you should make when you’ve come back to life six times
Beric: You don’t look much like him.
Jon: Who’s that?
Beric: Your father. I suppose you favor your mother.
JUST GONNA LEAVE THAT THERE OK FINE MY GOD SOMEONE TELL JON WHO HIS PARENTS ARE BUT NOT BEFORE JON AND DANY HOOK UP OK NEVER TELL HIM IT’S REALLY NOT THAT IMPORTANT
But still, Beric and Jon had some great dialogue:
Beric: Your wildling friend told me the Red Woman brought you back. Thoros has brought me back six times. We both serve the same lord.
Jon: I serve the North.
Beric: The North didn’t raise you from the dead.
Jon: The Lord of Light never spoke to me. I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know what he wants from me.
Beric: He wants you alive.
Beric: I don’t know.
Jon: That’s what anyone can tell me. I don’t know. So what’s the point of serving a god, none of us knows what he wants?
Beric: I think about that all the time. I don’t think it’s our purpose to understand. Except one thing. We’re soldiers. We have to know what we’re fighting for. I’m not fighting so some man or woman I barely know can sit in a throne made of swords.
Jon: So what are you fighting for?
Beric: Life. Death is the enemy. The first enemy. And the last.
Jon: But we all die.
Beric: The enemy always wins. But we still need to fight him. That’s all I know. You and I won’t find much joy while we’re here. But we can keep up the life. We can defend those who can’t defend themselves.
Jon: I am the shield that guards the realms of men.
Beric: Maybe we don’t need to understand anymore than that. Maybe that’s enough.
Jon: Aye. Maybe that’s enough.
Callback Alert: “I am the shield that guards the realms of men.”
Jon referenced a line from the Night’s Watch oath, so I thought it would be nice to take it back to Season 1 for a young Jon and Sam getting initiated.
Look at those faces!
Even a fireplace couldn’t warm this scene
“Heroes do stupid things and they die.” — Dany
Narrator: Later, Dany will do a stupid thing and something will die.
Tyrion: “I suppose he stares at you longingly because he’s hopeful for a successful military alliance.”
Yo! Why are we making this like Jon Snow has been the one pushing this forward?
Let’s replay the tape please!
“He’s too little for me.”
Blah blah blah democracy, blah blah blah can’t get pregnant burn here burn there moving on.
Geek Squad > Jon’s Squad
What is the guy doing scouting for you guys if y’all the ones who doin the scoutin?!?
“Hey! Let’s choose a dangerous job just so we can do your job for you from a safe distance.”
Stupid, stupid, stupid
Sansa talking about Littlefinger when he’s not present:
FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT / FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT / FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT / FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT /FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT / FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT / FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT / FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT / FUCK THAT HOE LITTLEFINGER AIN’T SHIT /
When Littlefinger is present:
Remember Jorah from the last episode?
Let’s check-in on how that’s going…
For ridiculous plans, this one works almost perfectly! Almost…
Meanwhile, let’s see where Gendry is
This is why military units bring doctors
Yep, here’s Mike with some issues again.
Fuck supersonic Ravens, fuck giants and fire-breathing dragons. There are two dudes with flaming swords and y’all decided not to use this power to stay warm for the night?!?
They could have even made up some shit about how they can only use their flaming swords for a short period of time buttttt nope.
Jon wasn’t ready
Callback Alert: Jon calls out Ramsey 1-on-1
“You’re right. There’s no need for a battle. Thousands of men don’t need to die. Only one of us. Let’s end this the old way. You against me.” — Jon Snow
When it comes to the Night King tho?
Can we talk about this fit? I MEAN CAN WE
Actually, I’m not great with words, so let’s go with GIFs.
However, there was a certain someone who did not like Dany’s fit…
Ok, here’s another look at this 🔥🔥🔥 my god
We need to move on…
Real talk on this scene tho. When that rock slid in front of the wight, and that muthafucka looked up, and the Hound looked at that muthafucka lookin up, and Jon, Beric, and Tromund looked at that muthafucka lookin at the Hound…
I don’t know how to accurately describe this fight. It was so fuckin awesome!
You have Jon Snow, the Hound, Tormund, Beric Dondarrion, Jorah Mormont all fight on a 12-ft island! It’s just so amazing to see them together.
That “Tormund almost died” scene was really scary because TORMUND SHOULD HAVE FUCKING DIED
Let’s take a break right here…
When a group of wights grab a living person, this is usually how it goes:
Now let’s breakdown the tape of how the same group of wights (which just BEASTED Tormund) decided to fuck around at the goal line and fumble the ball.
“I’m just sayin… if we both make it out of this, do you wanna grab a bite to eat or something? We don’t have to do anything fancy. I have leftovers.”
In all of Game of Thrones history, I have only seen a wight try to choke someone twice (both in this episode btw). Each time the wight died so if I’m their offensive coordinator Im’ma play that tape on Monday and suggest a different strategy next time.
The power of networking
See! This is why you always introduce yourself! Tormund didn’t have to go over to the Hound on that trek to the mountain (see what I did there), but Tormund did it anyway. “Dave” from that Marketing Professionals Happy Hour may save your face from getting eaten by wights.
Put yourself out there.
Alright, so Tormund didn’t die thank goodness. But, umm… we still have some problems.
And when our problems become insurmountable what do we call on?
THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT! SLOW MOTIIIIIOOOOOONNNNNNN BABAYYYYYYYY
Lol of course you don’t call on slow motion, you call yo gurl with the goddamn dragons!
The way Jon did the no-look duck move as Dany & Drogon came over for the fire slam reminded me of another iconic picture of domination:
And the award for “I don’t need to add words to these photos” goes to…
Well, I think I should add some words because I believe we gave Jon too much shit here. At this time, I’d also like to bring up the importance of closed captioning (CC).
Not only does it help us dumb Americans understand 73% of what’s being said in this show, it also helps with describing sounds we may not hear over our shitty speaker systems and screaming.
With closed captioning on, you would have seen [wights screaming] in the picture where Jon turns and Dany is like, “ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME”
Jon does the full turn and sees this beauty:
So now that you know this detail, it makes a little more sense for Jon to fight off wights so the rest of the crew can get on Drogon, right?
- Jon is the goddamn general, he can’t be the first one to safety.
- Nothing comes before the objective. They had a plan — albeit an incredibly dumb plan — to capture a wight and bring it to Cersei, and hotdammit they were doing it. Jon couldn’t risk that plan going to shit.
But now it’s my turn to shit on Jon. Killing wights on the island to help your bros get to safety? Awesome.
However, I think it’s time for Jon to admit that he likes killing because…
Did these two wights really need to die that much for you to risk your life? I’m fairly certain these fuckers ain’t gonna play a role unless you give them one. Which… you fuckin did.
Night King, why you trappin’ so hard?
While Jon is off unnecessarily killing wights, the Night King is focused on the biggest blockbuster free agent acquisition in Westerosi history.
The craziest part about this javelin toss is that the Night King did it from the standing position! Just to show y’all how ridiculous that is, here are highlights from the javelin finals in the 2016 Olympics:
Also, I can never watch a javelin competition without thinking of “javelin judge accidents.” I’ve never googled that phrase nor will I, but… it’s out there if you want to look at some disgusting shit you sick bastards.
Ok, let’s see the results of this impossible javelin throw
I don’t know about y’all, but D&D definitely made sure to show how effective the Night’s King ice javelin was compared to the Scorpion arrow that hit Drogon. THIS. SHIT. WAS. D-SCUS-TING!
Fire & Blood, amirite? Sorry… it was there.
We need to talk about Rhae Rhae tho
It’s almost been a full goddamn week and I still can’t get over Rhaegal str8 bouncin’ on his brother like that. OooOoooOooo if my mama was the Mother of Dragons, Rhaegal would still be gettin’ his ass whooped 😂😂😂😂
And I doubt Westeros Child Protective Services would be there to help his ass either!
The True Identity of the Night King
After that gold medal 95-yard Hail Mary touchdown pass to Viserion, there were a lot of football references on Twitter. Here are some of my favorites:
The Night King would get a QB job before Colin Kaepernick eh…
Wouldn’t it be funny if…
THE NIGHT KING WAS COLIN KAEPERNICK OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD
If your TV Uncle is named “Ben” he is gonna die tragically
I don’t know, there was something absolutely hilarious about Jon getting out of that lake. I mean, it’s not his fault, I’d be walking funny as fuck if I just exited from some cold ass water, but I don’t do these recaps to NOT take advantage of this.
If you get the reference above, a million points to you and the Hogwarts house of your choosing. If you didn’t get the reference, then check out this video and have this song stuck in your head for the next two years:
Why Uncle Benjen didn’t really want to come back with Jon
Jorah takes another L, a new bro-ship is formed, and Dany sees some things
Like… they totally did.
I have some questions here.
Ok, so Jon is supposedly dying of hypothermia, right? So this is the path they take:
- Remove Jon from horse
- Go into Eastwatch
- Go through Eastwatch
- Put him on a boat
- Which goes to a ship
- So he can get into a room
- Where they finally take his clothes off
- Also, why is Davos “Half Fingers” Seaworth the main dude taking off Jon’s clothes?!
Jon would survive all this shit just to die here. Anyways…
ER 😍 MAH 😍 GERD 😍 THIS 😍 IS 😍 MY 😍 FAVORITE 😍 GAME 😍 OF 😍 THRONES 😍 SCENE 😍 OF 😍 ALL 😍 TIME 😍
OMGGGGGGG THEY ARE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER
Alright, now let’s end it by awkwardly going to “fake sleep”
Ugh, I love these two.
“And with the third pick, he made Westeros sick”
A few thoughts:
- Viserion was like the Kevin Love/Klay Thompson of Dany’s dragon squad, so I didn’t really care as much about him dying. That being said, White Walker (just go with it) Dragon Viserion? That’s gonna be tough to stop.
- Magical country-sized chains? Don’t care. But who in the fuck dove down to get these chains around Viserion? I thought wights couldn’t swim?
Extras & Shit
Y’all gotta check on the behind the scenes video for the Frozen Lake battle. The work they do to put this scenes together is incredible.
Inside the Episode
Before I watch these I’ll be like, “Hmmm, that episode was alright.”
After I’ll be like, “Damnnnn you right this was amazing D&D.”
New rockstars Breakdown
Eric Voss always fucking brings it. Always my favorite video of the week.
Did the night king set a trap?
I think so. Watch. Discuss.
Arya & Sansa Carpool Karaoke
Yes, their S7 relationship is mad broken, but these two are besties IRL
And if you read one more thing about this episode, read this…
All praise to the one true human analog of God, and fellow NU alum, Matt Ufford. It’s the one Game of Thrones recap I look forward to and is in part responsible for me doing my recaps. Thank you for your service, sir.