Cersei needs to die like six years ago, Jon is in at least three open relationships, and GoT General Manager Davos Seaworth picks up another key free agent.

Game of Thrones: “Eastwatch” Review

Warning: The word “fuck” will be used a metric shit ton in this post, so if that’s gonna upset you, I’d leave now. If “fuck” doesn’t upset you, then let’s start the post by reading this St. Vincent (😍😍😍) quote about my favorite curse word.

“I get a lot of pleasure from saying ‘fuck.’ I LOVE that word. It’s so satisfying, it’s such a satisfying word to say…I just like the idea of using blue language as a term of endearment. This motherfucker, that motherfucker… like motherfucker better get his shit together. I think it’s funny. My mother would be horrified, but I’ve been cursing since I was 8.”
– St. Vincent, Song Exploder

1. LeBronn Jaimmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Save the physics of this Bronn rescue for Neil Degrasse Fucking Tyson, it’s a goddamn fantasy show. Also, Bronn’s fuckin magical so let’s just leave it there.

How’s that for a cliffhanger, bitches?!?

Ok, before everyone starts freaking out (again) shall I remind y’all we saw this shit coming.

  1. Did you REALLY think Jaime was gonna die like that? This muhfucka ain’t gettin no fade to black death sheeeeeeeeeiiiiittt
  2. Oh, you wanted some more slow pan shots of the Stormlands, maybe some meaningless dialogue between non-essential characters? Well, you got that shit in Episodes 3 & 4.

We’ve known since last year that there are only 13 episodes left of GoT, so why are we surprised that the pace is so fast?

Fuck a slow developing plot let’s get right into Game of Thrones in Space by the end of Season 7.

Ok, back to the scene.

Nah, Jaime, you got it twisted. Bronn squared up against Drogon like a true badass, but it was a one-time deal.

Baller Quote #1:

“Dragons are where our partnership ends.”
  • Scene LOL Score: 6/10
  • Scene Winner: Bronn

2. Good shit happens when you listen to Lady Olenna

After gettin’ schooled for the first 3.5 episodes of S7, Dany came through like a proper dragon queen and fucked up Houses Lannister & Tarly.

Yooooo so apparently the showrunners actually wanted this to look like Pompeii after Mt. Vesuvius popped off so 1,000,000 points to me for being smart and shit.

This tweet by Vann R. Newkirk II perfectly captures this scene:

I’m just gonna accept that Tyrion is moping around because he thinks Jaime is dead and not because he’s hurt because of these dead Lannister soldiers. I mean, really? These hoes never liked you so why you feelin’ sad for they crispy asses?
Choice #1 sounds nice.
Hmmm, what was the first choice again?

After Dany hits y’all with these choices, this is the response?

As I replayed this scene, I noticed this “15-year project manager with economic anxiety” muhfucka right here:

He probably had dinner with Tywin once and can’t stop bringing it up at parties.

But there’s nothing like a little reinforcement to get the crowd going the way you want…

Baller Quote #2:

“There are no easy choices in war.” — Randyll Tarly
Say what you will about your sister, she was born in Westeros. She’s lived here all her life…[Daenerys has] no ties to this land with an army of savages at her back.

Let’s break this down:

Pretty much any argument that starts with “say what you will” is fucked from the jump. Then you follow it up with “she was born in Westeros.”

“Say what you will about John Wayne Gacy, at least he was born in Chicago!”

What a difficult hurdle to be a ruler worth following, Randyll! Also, in my book, Dragonstone is in Westeros (GoT book cult fight me), so this is not a plus for Cersei.

“She’s lived here all her life.” – This ain’t Dany’s fault! I’m sure Dany would have been totally down to chill in the Red Keep or Dorne instead of dodging assassins in Essos for her entire life.

“[Daenerys has] no ties to this land...” — The Targaryens built King’s Fucking Landing and the Iron Throne and ruled Westeros for nearly 300 years!! I’d call that a small tie to Westeros.

“…with an army of savages at her back.” — Ok, I’ll give you this one, Randyll. However, I’d add the Dothraki are savages… with personalllllliiiiiitttttyyyy!

C’mon. You have to be into art with a finishing move like this.

Then Dickon “I don’t quite grasp why everyone laughs at my name” Tarly shows up to the BBQ.

Way to save Jaime so he could be saved again by Bronn. You will be missed.
  • Scene LOL Score: 8.5/10
  • Scene Winner: Drogon
  • Rest In Ashes, Rickon. Long live, Dickon.

3. Ugh, I hate that I hate Cersei.

Are these captions weirder than these two still trying to convince the audience they love each other? You tell me.

Scene Thoughts:

  • I hope Jaime counted those steps on his FitBit.
  • Cersei has a point about not giving up the fight. From her perspective, if Dany beats her she’s dead anyway, so what’s the point of surrendering? She sits on Daddy Targaryen’s throne and Jaime killed him, so shit don’t look good for the Lannisters.
  • Then Cersei hit Jaime with Baller quote #3:
“So we fight and die or we submit and die. I know my choice. A soldier should know his.”
  • Scene LOL Score: -3/10 (this was a tough scene for me)
  • Scene Winner: Cersei

4. First date: Dragonglass Cave Tour. Second date…

I still can’t believe this shit happened. I mean, I knew Jon was gonna meet Drogon but… just watch the scene again!

There were a few things that went down in this scene, so let’s recap:

Drogon Returns ft. Jon Snow (Terrified Remix)

I almost shit my pants watching Drogon run up on Jon, and I wasn’t even at Dragonstone. However, where there’s a nightmare version, there’s also a dream.

Ok, back to the second most important moment in Game of Thrones history.

Hey, Jon, I get it. You’re working really hard mining dragonglass from these caves. However, you can still wash ya hands bruh!

  • 2x water ✅
  • 2x soap ✅
  • Apply Unsullied daily skin moisturizer ✅
I think so, Dany! Not only is this aggressive, but it’s fucking dangerous. Jon was already close to falling off the cliff, but now you gonna have Drogon galloping at him? At least give Jon a little more heads-up.

Hmmm… wait a second.

Why is this going so well? That’s weird. How does the King in the North have a connection with a dragon? Ehhh, whatever, I’ll punt that plot line for another episode.

Now let’s have a talk, Jon.

You just pulled off the greatest shit ever. You connected with a goddamn dragon and Dany is hooked.

However, she gets off her dragon and says some sideways shit.

Fuck dude I can already see your dumbass thinkin of some stupid shit DON’T FUCKING DO IT.

Of course dragons are fucking terrifying but JUST SAY YES THESE ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN IN THE WORLD. But instead you start with:

“It wasn’t the first word I was thinking of…”

Ok, ok, ok, gotta think quick.

Don’t get mad at me. This ain’t a spoiler, it’s just the truth. Do you think Dany is gonna be able to keep all three dragons on Team Living for the next two seasons?

But hey, I’ve been hating on Dany for most of this scene so it’s time to give her some props. Not only does she check Jon on the “Look, I’m so fuckin noble bit LIKE CUT THE SHIT JON YOUR DECISIONS HAVE CAUSED THOUSANDS TO DIE TOO BITCH” she also goes in for that one thing no one wants to talk about:

“When you first came here, Ser Davos said you took a knife in the heart for your people...”
My favorite! How did we not hear them before all this dialogue? We will never know.

Jorah returns

First, I thought it was dope AF how the lead Dothraki dude unveiled Jorah to Dany. It’s almost like they planned this Paris runway surprise. Ok, so you walk right behind me until I break right and reveal you blowing gracefully in the wind.

Hey guuuurrrlllll

Nah, Khaleesi, I didn’t find a cure. I actually came all the way to Dragonstone to give you Greyscale because I never liked you WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU STOP CALLIN ME YO FRRRAAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Sorry, I just want some payback for this devastating meme from Season 5.

This is one of my all-time favorites. I’m a horrible person, FIGHT ME. Unless you’re strong, then please don’t fight me.

Let’s freeze it right here:

OooOoooOhhhh, much tension! Wow love triangle.

Nahhhhh, I’ll pass.

Jon ain’t worried about Ser Jorah of House Friend Zone, Betrayer of Queens, and Leader of the Third Wheels. He’s Jon fucking Snow.

Now what Jon is thinking is, “Whoa, I thought my gurl here had a good hear and shit but here she is calling a dude that put shame on his family name an ‘old friend.’ What’s up with that?”

And Jorah is like:

  • Scene LOL Score: 9/10
  • Scene Winner: The Cliff at Dragonstone

5. Bran sees his future and wants his money back

Saving that special effects budget for something, D&D?
I always love how overwhelmed he looks ALL THE TIME.
  • Scene LOL Score: 6.5/10
  • Scene Winner: The Night King

6. Welcome to the Shitadel

This scene feels like when your parents force you to go to a family BBQ with relatives you don’t really know, and you end up in the backyard with all the older uncles. They spot you and say, “hey, young blood! go inside and grab a couple cases of Budweiser and bring ’em out here.” You accomplish the task and tell you, “alright alright put them in the cooler over there” and as you’re working on this they say some stupid shit about young people not knowing how to work hard these days.

Oh, your parents didn’t do this?

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is this scene was expertly crafted to be frustrating AF. Sam knows what the fuck is up but these old dudes love cracking weak ass jokes instead of dealing with the truth.

I can relate.

  • Scene LOL Score: 4.5/10
  • Scene Winner: Archmaester Ebrose

7. Y’all couldn’t have picked a better place to sit?

Are there any seat cushions on Dragonstone? Just sayin.

We have bigger scenes to discuss, but I do love any opportunity to give a little love to Tyrion & Varys. I love the casual way they talk about reading messages that aren’t intended for them.

Tyrion: Who’s that for?
Varys: Jon Snow.
Tyrion: Did you read it?
Varys: It’s a sealed scroll for the King in the North.
Tyrion: *Sips wine* What’s it say?
Varys: Nothing good.
I’m a sucker for this subtle shit.
  • Scene LOL Score: 5.5/10
  • Scene Winner: Varys

8. Maybe We Can Reason With Cersei Vol. 34,975

JUST 👏🏿 KILL 🔥 HER 😑 ALREADY 🤦🏿‍♂️

Emo dialogue of the episode:

Jon: I thought Arya was dead. I thought Bran was dead.
Dany: I’m happy for you.
Looks at Jon*
Dany: You don’t look happy?

Welp! There you have it gurl! You wanna be with this dude get ready for 95% of living days to be cloudy AF.

Tyrion comes up with a plan that is horrible for Team Dany but is gonna be epic for us (OMG EPISODE FUCKING SIX IF YOU’VE WATCHED IT ALREADY DON’T SAY SHIT)! Dany then incredulously asks Tyrion how in the fuck is he gonna sneak into King’s Landing.

*EVERYONE LOOKS AT DAVOS*

I just hope that all of you have at least one person in your life like Davos. No matter what the situation is, when you need that one thing done this person will be there for you and is perfectly equipped to execute the task.

Honor Faceoff!

Lolllllll Jorah yo punk ass needed help to win in the fighting pits how in da fuck you gon go beyond the wall and capture a wight all by yourself? Chill, bruh.
I’ll tell ya why, Davos.
This is why, Davos. This. Is. Why.
My god can someone conjure up a spell so I can just live in Dany’s eyes lookin at Jon for the rest of my life I mean AHHHHHHHHHHHH 😍😍😍😍
  • Scene LOL Score: 8.5/10
  • Scene 😭😭 FEELS 😭😭 Score: 🔥🔥 22,000/10 🔥🔥
  • Scene Winner: Jon

9. Even if the world is ending, there’s always room for teen angst

In the 25 times I’ve watched Episode 5, I’ve skipped these Winterfell scenes the most. However, the first six seconds of this scene may be my favorite six seconds in the entire fucking series. I’m in love with these North accents, and Robett Glover, current leader of House Glover, is my favorite.

“The King en da Norf… should stay enn dah Norrr.”

Ohhhhh mannnn, the way he delivers this line is PERF. If Vine was still alive (RIP Vine) I would have hit the 1,000,000 loop mark before Episode 6.

Recap:

  • The first six seconds of this scene LOL Score: 2000/10
  • The rest of this scene’s LOL score: -2/10
  • Scene Winner: Littlefinger

10. King’s Landing Reunion Tour

Ahhhh, yes. Family memories.

Time for the “Leslie Jones Viewing Party” Scene of the Episode

Picture the text as her words and Vince McMahon as her reactions.

Yes, this scene was super “fan service-y” AND I FUCKING LOVE IT. I also love how Gendry was just ready to fucking go.

Davos: Bad things are coming.
Gendry: You came to get me. You want me to come with you.
Davos: Well, the thing you need to understand is —
Gendry: I’m ready.
Davos: You –
Gendry: Let’s go.
Davos: You should know what you’re heading into.
Gendry: What do you think I’ve been thinking about with every swing of the hammer? How happy I am making weapons for the family that killed my father? The family that tried to kill me? ( scoffs ) I’ve been getting ready. I never knew what for, but I’ve always known I’d know it when it comes.
Davos: You might want to bring one of those swords.
Gendry: I don’t know much about swinging swords… But this, this I know.

Robert Baretheon is in GoT Heaven like:

In the GoT Universe, fuck that Robert Frost shit and avoid the road less traveled

Step 1: Offer gold ✅

Step 2: Improvise

“One bucket of this triples a brothel’s earnings for the week. A man thinks he’s done. He’s ready to go back to his loving family. But before he gets his breeches up, his lady of the hour pops a tiny spoon of that into his mouth. Five minutes later, he’s back in the race. Here, have a taste.
I’d hurry to your favorite establishment, or you’ll put a hole in that chainmail.”
And all that excellent work gets flushed down the shitter.
Put me in the game, Dad. I got this.
I mean CMON ON! This guy’s face looks like some $13.99 premium strawberry preserves.

After watching this scene for the 15th time, I went to my local grocery store and bought some jam. Best snack of the week by far.

Is this weird behavior? YES. Please don’t report me. I’m having so much fun and I’m not hurting anyone.

Baller Quote Rankings for the “King’s Landing” scene:

  1. Davos: “Thought you might still be rowing.”
  2. Davos: “Nothing fucks you harder than time.”
  3. Gendry: “I’ve been getting ready. I never knew what for, but I’ve always known I’d know it when it comes.”
  4. Davos: (When Tyrion asks if someone will take the boat) “Then we’re fucked. Best hurry.”
  5. Tyrion: (When asked how he got that scar) “Fish hook. Some men you just can’t teach.”
  • Scene LOL score: 9.5/10 *Episode Champion*
  • Scene Winner: Davos, Davos, Davos, Davos, and more Davos

11. Have I mentioned that Cersei needs to die yet?

I know what you diidddd, I know what you diidddd, I know what you diidddd,
Shit, I still love her.

The Award for the Wildest Quote of the Episode goes to Cersei of course:

Dead men, dragons, and Dragon Queens Whatever stands in our way, we will defeat it.

Look, y’all. EVERY OTHER PERSON who’s heard about the White Walkers has put up some 🤔🤔🤔 or 🤣🤣🤣 but Cersei just smirked and rolled with that shit.

Not only is she gonna roll with the White Walkers, she’s probably gonna try to use them to her advantage. Cersei the evil genius is rising.

  • Scene LOL score: 5/10
  • Scene Winner: Cersei Forever

12. Jon seduces another person in a cave + it’s time to go do some dumb shit

Clovis aka Gendry Meets Jon (World of Warcraft Edition)

Context: Right before the two gold cloaks came to investigate, Davos gave Gendry the nickname, Clovis. There’s actually a lot of meaning behind this throwaway name, but this post is already long enough so feel free to Google that shit if you wanna know.

Davos: Christ. OK, Clovis, uhh well what we’ll do, I’ll run in first, uh…gather up all the eggs. We can kinda just, ya know, blast them all down with AOE. Um, I will use Intimidating Shout to kinda scatter ’em, so we don’t have to fight a whole bunch of them at once. Uhh… when my Shouts are done, I’ll need Tyrion to come in and drop his Shout too, uh… so we can keep them scattered and not to fight too many.
Um… when his is done, Missandei of course will need to run in and do the same thing. Uh…we’re gonna need Divine Intervention on our mages, uhh so they can AE, uh so we can of course get them down fast, ’cause we’re bringing all these guys. I mean, we’ll be in trouble if we take them down quick.

Ok, this section is probably more fun for me than it was for you, but I saw a tiny particle of light to make this work and went for it. Honestly, Jon’s charge to save Rickon during the ‘Battle of the Bastards’ is a more accurate representation of Leeroy Jenkins.

Note: If you don’t know what the hell has been happening for the last 2–3 minutes, you can view the original video below.

Gendry meets Jon

Source: Vanity Fair

While this scene was hella cute, Jon would feel a little different when he learns where their fathers really think of each other…

Also, as if Davos couldn’t be any more awesome, here’s another baller quote:

“Don’t mind me…”

Winter Beach Season comes to a close

I learned something.
This was cute.

But Jorah knows what time it is…

IT’S TIME FOR THE SNOWMANNNNN!
SMIZE. GAME. ON. 🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒AND THROW AWAY THE GODDAMN KEY TOO

And what did Jon do with this opportunity?

Just herp derped it the fuck away! Ugh 😤😤😤 cmon dawg.
It don’t matter tho, Dany is already in.
  • Scene LOL score: 7.5/10
  • Scene 😭😭 FEELS 😭😭 Score: 🔥 8,500/10 🔥
  • Scene Winner: Gendry

13. Fuck Samwell Tarly

Yo, Sam, we get it. You mad because you wanted to come to the Citadel and have all these ancient ass maesters drop all the shit they were doing and focus on your problems. THE WORLD DON’T WORK THAT WAY. NOT EVEN FOR WHITE DUDES WITH OLD MONEY.

Sure, you cleaning, serving, and scribing shit every day, instead of finding a way to kill the White Walkers. You’re frustated. I would be too.

However…

NONE OF THIS SHIT GIVES YOU ANY FUCKING REASON TO TREAT GILLY LIKE SHIT.

DO WE NEED TO GO BACK TO SEASON 1 AND REMIND YO ASS WHERE YOU WERE? BECAUSE I REMEMBER YO PUNK ASS GETTIN SENT TO THE WALL BECAUSE YO RACIST ASS DADDY DIDN’T WANT YOU RUINING HIS HOUSE. I REMEMBER SHIT STAINS THAT HAD A BETTER REP THAN YOU. IF IT WASN’T FOR JON SNOW YO ASS WOULD BE DEAD.

ALSO, GILLY DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU ONE 👏🏿 DAMN 👏🏿 SECOND 👏🏿 OF 👏🏿HER 👏🏿 TIME. LOOK, I AIN’T SAYIN YOU’VE NEVER DONE SOME HEROIC SHIT, BUT WHENEVER YOU GET IN FRONT OF SOME AUTHORITY YOU START DISRESPECTIN YO GURL, AND I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT SHIT.

LOOK AT THIS FACE, SAM. THIS IS THE FACE OF SOMEONE WHO JUST LEARNED TO READ IN. THE. FUCKING. CITADEL. YOU LET HER READ WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS AS LOUD AS SHE WANTS FOR AS LONG AS SHE FUCKING WANTS.

Play me like this one more time I swear I’m gon leave yo ass.

And just when I was about the lose all my shit, D&D had to hit us with this shot:

When the fuck did Lil’ Sam get this fucking cute? I CAN’T EVEN RIGHT NOW

This adorable little fucker helped prepare me for the most important knowledge drop in Game of Thrones history.

Maynard says here that he issued an annulment for a Prince “Ragger” and remarried him to someone else at the same time in a secret ceremony in Dorne.
Yooooooo you mean Jon Snow ain’t a bastard?

Ok, real talk. If y’all have read this far, this probably wasn’t that big of a shock to you. Jon Snow’s been called a bastard since the jump, so of course they are gonna reveal that he’s not a true bastard. Still, this is a monumental confirmation.

  • Scene LOL score: -5/10
  • Scene Winner: Little Sam 👼👼👼👼

14. Mean Girls 3: Littlefinger & Arya

I know, I know. I don’t want to recognize that there was a Mean Girls 2 either.

Alright, let’s spice this up:

Back in Season 2(?) Cersei was like:

Ok, Sansa was forced to write the letter that Littlefinger planted, but let’s just go with this.

So, Sansa wrote about Ned & Robb like:

So, Littlefinger was like:

Then, Arya’s nosey ass was like:

Now, Littlefinger wants shit to be like:

Except it won’t. And Littlefinger gon die.
  • Scene LOL score: 2.5/10
  • Scene Winner: No one wins.

15. ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️⛄⛄⛄⛄☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️🛡🛡🛡🛡🛡⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️🥃🥃🥃🐻🐻🐻🐶🐶🐶🦌🦌🦌🐺🐺🐺🐺

Dialogue Champion of “Eastwatch” — Tormund Giantsbane

Tormund: Isn’t it your job to talk him out of stupid fucking ideas like this?
Davos: I’ve been failing at that job of late.
Tormund: How many queens are there now?
Jon: Two.
“And you need to convince the one with the dragons or the one who fucks her brother?”
Awwww, poor Tormund.
Never forget.

Second Team All-Westeros Starting Lineup

Missing: The Mountain, Brienne, Bronn, Arya Stark, Jaqen H’ghar to make this a true 1st Team situation.

Still, THIS SQUAD IS DOPE AF.

Also…

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate all the gorgeous shots in this final scene.

I just need to do a special shout out to Thoros & The Hound. I can’t get enough of Thoros chugging his rum and the Hound always looking like he doesn’t want to be here. And that’s because he doesn’t.

Wow, y’all. If you made it to the end, you are straight 💯 with me. Hopefully, you get to read this before Episode 6 makes this post irrelevant in less than four hours 😂😂😂 (THIS WAS HARD).

Believe or not, I left a lot of easter eggs and commentary out of this review.

If you want a detailed breakdown of easter eggs and symbolism, check out the Episode 5 Breakdown over at New Rockstars.

Vanity Fair also came out with a great “callback & easter egg” review of this episode, complete with some awesome GIF work. One of them I had to steal for this post.

This post would not be possible without a lot of help, so I would like to thank:

  • YouTube (please keep these videos up)
  • Springfield Springfield (if you want TV & Movie scripts they got you)
  • All the GIF creators (not all heroes wear capes)