To Pee or Not to Pee

Public toilet etiquette and noise pollution

A problem I’m sure my fellow females will share with me is the utilisation of The Public Toilet.

I work in a call centre where, due to (fabulous) technology, my every minute is monitored — if you’re late to work, if you take that one minute more at lunch and how many toilet breaks you have.

Relieving your bladder under strict time frames is tough enough; adhering to The Public Toilet Etiquette is sheer stress…

This is the first chance you’ve had in three hours to nip to the loo so you know it’s going to be a thunderstorm. You enter the bathroom, top button already popped open from your bloated belly. Your hurried steps slow to a more acceptable stroll as you spot your colleague — the pretty one — applying more layers of powder to her shiny nose.

What do you do now?

This is going to be the mother of all wees and now, with an audience who’s bound to be staying for the entire duration, you have no choice but to tinkle it out in dribs and drabs so you don’t disturb the face-painter.

As standard practice, you’re squatting over the used toilet bowl when your legs start to cramp due to this excessive exercise.

You start to panic as your bum gets closer to the toilet seat covered in the previous occupier’s urine that you refused to wipe off (hey, it’s not your mess).

The cramps ruin your aim and the seat gets wetter.

You quickly right yourself and the stream thunders into the bowl — you can see the prettier, blonder colleague pause with disgust. But this hellish event has lasted several minutes now and you need to get back to work before you’re missed. To hell with it.

Let the storm commence.