Hey. We need to talk.
Do you remember where you were the afternoon of November 3, 2015? At approximately 1:07pm?
Because I sure do.
You were in a crowded cafe, as rain poured outside and early 90s rock music played inside. You wore a tailored business suit, carried a brief case, and were clean shaven. You appeared to be a mature, intelligent adult.
But then you strolled up to the overworked cashier and spat out “spicy tuna salad on chocolate chip, please” as your order.
That was pretty fuckin’ weird.
I was the customer behind you. You probably don’t remember me — given that this was nearly three years ago, we never spoke, and I ordered a forgettable sesame bagel with plain, low-fat cream cheese.
How ya doin’, buddy?? Can I call you buddy? I’ve thought about you a lot since that fateful day we almost met.
I’ve turned your decision over and over in my mind and have come up with only one logical explanation: you were trying to teach me a lesson.
Or lessonS, rather.
Here’s what I learned.
- Never be afraid to ask for what you want. No one’s gonna just hand you a promotion, a day off, or a dollop of spicy salt water fish on sugary bread.
- Be confident in knowing your own desires. Don’t settle for cream cheese when you’re really craving canned mackerel.
- Get creative! Life is too short to solely mimic what others have done before you. It’s a vast world out there, filled with many protein choices and baked vessels to pair them with. Go out and explore!
- Life is like a chocolate chip bagel with spicy tuna salad. Some parts are sweet, some parts are stinky, and some parts are gaping empty holes. Oh and it’ll probably make you gassy.
- Don’t worry about what other people may think of you. So what if the neurotic girl behind you in the cafe line will judge you, waking up in a cold sweat for hundreds of consecutive days, remembering your actions and finally deciding on day number 935 to self-publish an essay about it? Not your problem.
Thank you for these incredible teachings, oh great one! You took a peculiar route to instill this knowledge in me but I respect it.
…or maybe you just really like mayo with chocolate? Sicko.