Dear Guy I Saw Order Spicy Tuna Salad on a Chocolate Chip Bagel 3 Years Ago

I think I’ve finally figured out why you did it

me waking up every morning since, remembering your order (photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash)

Hey. We need to talk.

Do you remember where you were the afternoon of November 3, 2015? At approximately 1:07pm?

Because I sure do.

You were in a crowded cafe, as rain poured outside and early 90s rock music played inside. You wore a tailored business suit, carried a brief case, and were clean shaven. You appeared to be a mature, intelligent adult.

But then you strolled up to the overworked cashier and spat out “spicy tuna salad on chocolate chip, please” as your order.

That was pretty fuckin’ weird.
The animals and I are judging you. (photo by Quentin Dr on Unsplash)

I was the customer behind you. You probably don’t remember me — given that this was nearly three years ago, we never spoke, and I ordered a forgettable sesame bagel with plain, low-fat cream cheese.

How ya doin’, buddy?? Can I call you buddy? I’ve thought about you a lot since that fateful day we almost met.

I’ve turned your decision over and over in my mind and have come up with only one logical explanation: you were trying to teach me a lesson.

I’m ready to accept your teachings. (photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash)

Or lessonS, rather.

Here’s what I learned.

  • Never be afraid to ask for what you want. No one’s gonna just hand you a promotion, a day off, or a dollop of spicy salt water fish on sugary bread.
  • Be confident in knowing your own desires. Don’t settle for cream cheese when you’re really craving canned mackerel.
  • Get creative! Life is too short to solely mimic what others have done before you. It’s a vast world out there, filled with many protein choices and baked vessels to pair them with. Go out and explore!
  • Life is like a chocolate chip bagel with spicy tuna salad. Some parts are sweet, some parts are stinky, and some parts are gaping empty holes. Oh and it’ll probably make you gassy.
  • Don’t worry about what other people may think of you. So what if the neurotic girl behind you in the cafe line will judge you, waking up in a cold sweat for hundreds of consecutive days, remembering your actions and finally deciding on day number 935 to self-publish an essay about it? Not your problem.

Thank you for these incredible teachings, oh great one! You took a peculiar route to instill this knowledge in me but I respect it.

I finally understand! (photo by Juan Ramos on Unsplash)

…or maybe you just really like mayo with chocolate? Sicko.