Safety-Seeking During an Existential Crisis
Where I go when I find myself in an existential hole
What am I even doing here? What will it be like when I die?
On nights when I allow myself the space to think too much and too deeply, my brain digs itself into a deep existential hole. The hole comes through a series of questions, each question digging a deeper hole while making my chest tighter.
The questions follow a predictable pattern that looks something like this: “I wonder how I will die. Where will I go when I die? Will I know that I died? How is life going to turn out? How long will I make it? What’s going to happen with my kids? Am I going to accomplish what I want to accomplish and what I am trying to accomplish, anyhow? What are we all doing here, anyway? What’s the point of humanity and being human? What are we trying too hard to avoid through technology; is this ever what our ancestors could have imagined or wanted for us? What if we are just a speck in a massive galaxy, like the entire city that lives on the speck in Horton Hears a Who? If reincarnation is real, what was in past lives and what will I come back as in the future? What is this life trying to teach me? What am I being punished for and what am I being awarded for in this carnation?”
