POETRY ON MEDIUM
I Hate My Heart …
REEKING OF A MONSTER’S LOVE
Am I evil? Is it me? I was born in an evil den,
growing up watching them devour the flesh of innocents,
sitting under the shaded umbrella crafted by them.
Tonight, they might get another child to sit above
the bonfire, let it succumb to its cruel flames
then distribute it to fill their ego.
Tonight again, I will sneak out and grieve
at all the homes demolished.
It’s good, isn’t it? I am good. Or am I?
This won’t restore the family ruined,
my creator will still search until sundown.
What difference does this make?
I can’t make innocent humans look as they are,
vulnerable, capable of sadness, love, and
full of emotions. I have tried but all the time
I screamed to the void or debated with the monster.
The monster hates me, but he loves me too.
I grew under his wings, and traveled the cities on his back.
Once, he made me very happy, today he murmured around,
whispers of his ordeals in other’s ears.
I can still see him, hear him despite all he tries to hide.
He is still the monster and I, his creation.
The monster knows I don’t like him, I want to love him
but how do I? When I see his bloodstained mouth
and smug smile, I hear those screams,
I see the cages enclosing humanity and faces
peeking through the chained locks, waiting to be freed.
How do I love him when I know he will fly again tonight
and set ablaze another home?
How do I accept his love when I hear the roar of his laugh
every night in my dreams.
The roar of his laughter echoing among the cries of desperation.
I know there are other monsters out there,
other monsters with scarier deeds,
and louder growls but I wanted mine to be better.
My monster should have been generous and kind.
Is it too much to ask? For my monster to love me
and not hate anyone else. This is a dark den
and I don’t wish to live here for the entirety of my life.
I want to walk the streets and bump into humanity,
apologise secretly for all they have faced
tell them of my identity. I know they will not hate me.
If today I meet them, I would smile a smile that says
‘I apologise for your suffering.’
‘I am guilty of your loss’.
I don’t know which one is more true.
Maybe they will accept it and accept that half of my heart.
I still wonder if I belong there.
How would I look them in the eye,
knowing I am the creation of the monster?
The monster they attempt to save themselves from
is the same one that shielded me from every storm.
I want to disbelieve all that unfurls before me,
I want to blame the hellfire for my creator’s brutality
but I know it's merely the excuse out of my heart
that I still love the monster. However disregarded,
I can’t unread the fact monster has always been there,
just hidden under the shadows, discreet from its actions.
Now it flies free, destroying civilizations over civilizations.
I want to stop it and not hurt it at the same time.
I am his creation, his eyes mirror mine
I see myself, however inconceivable, turning to him
one day. I wake myself up every day,
shed all that I received from him, and
let the sun drown with fear of becoming a monster myself.
Maybe this is all I can achieve in this life,
if not destroy the monster,
and not become one either.
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