Love, Heartbreak and Panadol — Horizon Magazine 2017

Love, heartbreak and Panadol is parabolic. Love lifts us to the top of the world. Then you get hurt, that’s where the heartbreak is. This is followed by a nosedive into crisis. Panadol is what you take to put an end to the miserable life you are dealt.

Sent from thousands of miles away, her last email to me was apologetic. Something had clutched my heart as I read through the lines. Silent on the outside, little did she know what clamor had broken on the inside. The girl that I had loved with all my heart was leaving and there was nothing I could do to make her stop. Had I ever faltered in my love and care for her? The questions a broken heart can ask are endless. Even though I was blind to what was happening to me, people could see the birth of another teenage Devdas. Whenever it rained, I would often rest my head against the frosted glass window and listen to that ‘sad songs’ playlist we all have in our phones. The music always made the sky feel gloomier. (On a very irrelevant note — I hate rain, and snowfall, for that matter. The reasons however are very practical and sensible). Since then, my life has unfolded in more than one interesting ways. Perhaps the romance is irrelevant to most readers but I believe the lessons learned on the way could be meaningful for us all.

Let go

Life will go on. Time will heal all the wounds but it will never unwind for us. Holding on to lost love is like having burning coal wrenched in your fist. The longer we hold it; darker the scars get. We often confuse ourselves with the idea that letting go is the same as not loving. Our belief that life is purposeless without that special someone frightens us when we realize that there is happiness beyond them as well. Even when we find happiness without them, we hide ourselves under the blanket to deliberately descend that pocket again. It is almost as if letting go of the pain is sinful and we must not resist it. I am guilty of bailing out on my family when they needed me. It is not only selfish to do so; it is absolutely stupid. I regret skipping all the gatherings just because I considered it was horribly wrong to have a little fun in life. I quit football. I quit gaming. I quit smiling. Thinking of all the lost opportunities and the time I wasted grieving over something so trivial makes me sad. Your circumstances may very well be different from mine but the take-home lesson is that we need to let go of hurtful memories to put ourselves out of misery. Never let your past anchor you.

The circles

Circles are important in defining who we are. The influence our circles can have on us is tremendous. Our connection with people, be it family, friends or partners, is what forms the social aspect of our life. The stronger the connection, the bigger the impact. The trouble is when a relationship gains enough strength to warp the fabric of our life. Letting someone become central to our existence is a direct threat to our well-being. Their absence terrifies us, and we clench onto them so hard that it suffocates the life out of us. We become a parasite. Unfortunately, our loved ones can have such parasitic tendencies too. Their intention is pure but they can unknowingly smother you. They can drown you in regret and drain all ambition out of you. Underachievers can tame the fierce you. The unstoppable you will learn to settle for mediocrity. Your life goals will diminish without setting off any alarms. I have been in that position and there is absolutely nobody but myself to blame. It took a while for me to realize how I had started to lower the bar and get comfortable. It was not until I traveled to the other end of the globe when I realized how dangerously comfortable I had become with myself. A piece of advice to the readers; indulge in introspection and evaluate yourself. Surround yourself with people who inspire you. Keep distance from those who demotivate you. Be realistic with your expectations and do not hesitate to drop responsibility for circumstances beyond your control. Keep in mind that you will have to let go of things holding you back. That you will have to forgive yourself and others. It also brings me to the next important thing, intuition.

Just do it!

Follow your intuition. Cheesy right? Intuition can be wrong and that is exactly what makes it valuable. I have made countless mistakes in my life and the ones that I regret are the ones I made listening to other people. Do not misunderstand me, good advice is important and it must be considered but following your intuition will pour the best of you. Did I not realize how I was being emotionally harmed? Of course, I did. It was my intuitive self warning me at every step. It is like an internal compass that aligns you with what needs to be done. Sadly, I did not believe in it or perhaps I was not brave enough. It will take a lot of courage to follow your heart and intuition but the rewards are endless. It is amazing how this compass of yours can indicate whether something is working or not. Whether your days are happiness sprinkled with downtime or the other way around. It could sense the ways in which I was suffering but I never trusted the feeling. Let that insane thought flow because it is most definitely guiding you to what you really want.

originally written for Horizon Magazine 2017

About the Author

Rafay is an engineer working in the beauty industry. He likes to read and talk about self-improvement. He believes in learning from people and experiences. Need to talk? Drop him a note at rafayadeel248@gmail.com