FICTION
Language Acquisition
Maya had been on Ayu’s mind lately because what kind of person suggested someone being bullied to stay silent?
Ayu sat silently on a couch in the office. Besides her was a girl, Kasih, who was faking her tears to appear as a victim. In this school, framing actual victims as suspects was a normal practice. It wasn’t the first time Ayu got dragged with another student and blamed for defending herself. So, Ayu knew exactly what would happen next, for the teachers never updated their manuals in handling bullying. Their homeroom teacher would ask them for a story, the bully would bawl and say that she was just playing around, but Ayu pulled her hair, the teacher would scold Kasih a little then lecture Ayu for getting violent over a small prank. Both of them would come back to their class, and the teacher would talk to his coworkers about puberty. The case was closed, and nothing was fixed. Classic.
It was a rainy day when her classmate pushed Ayu for the first time and said that it was an accident. Ayu told him to be more careful. “Understood!” He answered — giving her a mocking salute with a restrained smile. Ayu still remembered his laugh echoing in the hallway, which sometimes kept her awake in the night. It was three months ago, and the ‘incidents’ multiplied, intensified.
“Can you all stop already with the pranks? They’re not funny,” Ayu said to Kasih outside of the office.
Kasih turned around. The tears were completely gone from her face, “What are you talking about? I don’t understand,” she smiled sweetly at Ayu. “Where are you going? Ayu, our class is this way, you forget?
Ayu fastened her walk as Kasih rambled about class and infirmary more loudly behind her. Her voice alone was enough to aflame the aggravation Ayu tried her best to control. Ayu had only been reacting to the others’ actions towards her, she didn’t want to be part of that group. Ayu paused once she couldn’t hear Kasih anymore, she steadied her breath then continued her way to the bathroom.
There was a girl, a little shorter than her, who just got out of a toilet. Their eyes met for a brief moment before both of them became self-aware. Ayu stepped in and turned on the sink. She winced when the wound on the side of her palm met the water.
“Does it hurt?” The girl asked out of the blue. She didn’t take her eyes off her clean hands under the pouring water.
“No.”
“Why don’t you stop fighting back?”
“Huh?”
“When they hurt you, stop struggling so much and be quiet. It’ll pass faster.”
Ayu’s hands halted. She took a piece of tissue to rinse them — tapping carefully on her fresh wound. “Are you bullied?” Ayu turned her body to face the stranger.
She glanced towards her, “No.”
“I’m glad, but don’t act as if you know how it feels.”
“Right. I’m sorry,” she said then abruptly left the bathroom.
The second time Ayu met Maya from Class G was two weeks later. She saw Maya sitting alone on a plastic chair in front of a minimarket far from their school with a popsicle in her hand and a cat on her lap. Ayu had seen Maya several times in school with her friends who also didn’t look problematic. Maya had been on her mind lately because what kind of person suggested someone being bullied to stay silent? For Ayu, Maya didn’t make any sense. It was curiosity that drove Ayu to grab herself a seat across Maya’s table, and everything between them started with a greeting and occasional meetings at the minimarket.
The day they decided to go home together, Ayu found out that they took the same bus, and Maya’s house was pretty close to hers. Ayu wondered why she never saw Maya in the neighborhood or when she left for school and went home. “I left early and came back late,” Maya informed her.
“How early?”
“At six.”
“For real?”
Maya nodded, her mouth was full of pudding.
“You in a club?”
Maya gulped, “No, I usually wander around after school and go home before 4.30. What about you?”
“No. I… you know,” Ayu shrugged — leaving Maya to connect the puzzles.
Ayu held an impression of Maya as a reserved person who had a hard time expressing herself in front of others from their interactions at the minimarket and how she behaved around her friends — they are the type of people who would hide in the shadow at a party, Ayu concluded — but as Ayu spent more time with Maya privately in her room, Maya kept showing new sides of herself, which made Ayu pleasantly surprised. When Ayu told her about this, they were lying on the floor after laughing their asses off over their horrific dance cover of Chill Kill. “And you’d be standing in the crowd but alone,” Maya countered.
Ever since she got close to Maya, Ayu found a new hobby. She often made a detour when she wanted to go to the bathroom so that she could pass Maya’s class. If she was lucky, Ayu would see Maya from the window. And today was one of her unlucky days.
“Maya’s absent today,” a student, Maya’s classmate she described as the Final Boss of Class G, said from the door.
“Y-yes?”
The Final Boss raised an eyebrow as if she couldn’t believe Ayu for playing the fool, “Relax. Those dumb fuckers in my class are oblivious.”
Ayu frowned, “Okay…? Is she sick?”
“Don’t know. Why are you two sneaking around? I mean it’s a place where you can die for not liking men, so that’s how it is, I guess.”
“What?!” Ayu almost shouted. “Don’t get the wrong idea. She’s my friend, and it’s just like that between us, we get along better outside of school.” She could feel her cheeks burning
Ayu told Maya about her unbelievable conversation with the Final Boss the next day as they enjoyed an expensive snack they’d bought together. Ayu widened her eyes upon seeing Maya’s face turn red. “Why are you blushing?” She pinched her cheeks.
“I’m not!” Maya turned her head away from Ayu. They stole glance after glance at each other before bursting into laughter.
Maya explained that she had a slight fever yesterday morning but recuperated by evening. Uncommitted sickness, she said. Ayu wanted to trust her excuse like how she had always believed in Maya, but for no reason but the unsettling anxiety she felt growing inside her, Ayu couldn’t bring herself to buy Maya’s words.
“Do you want to come over?”
Maya smiled, “Okay!”
They talked about Maya’s stingy friend called Sari who showed her new lip product that went viral on social media a while ago to Maya and the others but didn’t let any of them try it. Ayu laughed when Maya passionately demonstrated how her friends went crazy over the glistening pink color on Sari’s lips. They arrived at Ayu’s house feeling giggly because of the jokes they made about a science teacher along the way. Ayu handed Maya a glass of cold water and received a jab in her stomach. “Stop!” She cried. But, Maya continued her attacks, and now she mimicked the sound of gunshots with every jab she launched.
Ayu chased Maya around the house to pay her back. They ended up having a war with pillows and plushies on Ayu’s bed. Ayu liked this side of Maya the most, a side she never let her friends at school witness. In her eyes, Maya became radiant when she was happy. Ayu didn’t want any of this to stop, she wished she could be in this moment with Maya for eternity. Before long, Ayu’s attack with a cat plushie on Maya’s right shoulder made her yelp, and the chaotic room suddenly fell silent.
Another thing Ayu had noticed about Maya was that she didn’t like talking about her family like how Ayu hated talking about what those students had been doing to her, and probably, one of the reasons why Ayu felt comfortable with Maya was because she never brought the topic up, so when Ayu saw Maya’s mood became sour after a question about her mom, Ayu never asked anything about her family again. But, those conversations, unlike the ones about Sari or Red Velvet, actually mattered, and they weren’t stupid like Maya’s classmates. They were just each other’s escapades and afraid of ruining the haven they’d built.
“Maya…”
“Don’t.”
Ayu gathered her courage, “You told me to stay silent when they pranked me, remember?” She began. “Why?”
Maya lowered her head — refusing to look at Ayu. “My mom taught me. It works every time.”
“Your mom?”
Maya pressed her lips together then removed the plushies on the bed. She lay down, gazed hollowly at the boring ceiling. Her left hand still held her shoulder. Ayu followed her and rested on the other side. “My dad is a hardworking man, so he sometimes needs to relieve stress,” Maya answered.
Ayu’s heart skipped a beat. Cold sweats damped her palms. “What will he do?”
Maya shifted her head and looked Ayu in the eyes. Her mouth was shut, no words coming from her tongue, but those irises spoke louder, and Ayu didn’t know what to do with a sudden wave of sadness crashing inside her. “Maya,” she heard her voice tremble.
“At first, I fought him. I yelled, threw things, kicked, punched, and when it got too much, I cried harder and begged him to stop. But, my mom, she has never done any of those. When dad hurts her, she acts like a corpse. I asked her why she wouldn’t fight back, and she said that it’d only make everything worse, so I tried. I tried to keep quiet and stay still. She was right, Ayu. Afterward, I didn’t feel so awful. I just thought ‘Ah, it’s done’ then carried on with my day.”
The first thought Ayu had while listening to Maya was that her dad must’ve been very stressed yesterday. Her mind became jumbled, afterward. Ayu blinked to get rid of the tears, she should be the one reassuring Maya, not the other way around. But, Maya didn’t cry, she was way too calm, and seeing her acting this way in this moment sent Ayu into an endless abyss of despair. What could she do for her?
Ayu reached for Maya’s shoulder, she gently put her hand on the other’s hand, “I’m sorry.” Maya grabbed her hand — placing it on her chest, enveloping it with her smaller palm, “It’s fine. My mom has treated the wound. Don’t worry, okay.”
Ayu wanted to protest, but she preferred to feel Maya’s heartbeats on her hand, the heat of her body, and her delicate skin against the tips of Ayu’s fingers. ‘Maya is here. It’s alright. Maya is here.’
“But you’re different,” Maya broke the solitude between them. “You’re so stubborn, that’s why the teachers never see you as a victim.”
“I… I don’t know, I don’t have it in me to act like one. At least, not yet. They’re losers trying to be something else. That’s why I can’t accept it.”
Maya smiled, “See? You’re stubborn. I wonder if that was the reason why I couldn’t take my eyes off you. But, that’s fine. I think stubbornness suits you.”
“Yeah?”
Maya nodded. “Have you said anything to your mom about it?”
“No. I can’t bring myself to say it. She’s a really good parent. I often feel she’s too good. Since dad passed away, she’s been having too much on her plate. I don’t want to add to her burdens.”
After that evening, Maya occasionally told Ayu about what’d happened in her house. In the beginning, she said it casually and with too many unfunny jokes as if it was someone else’s tragedy. Ayu tried her best to provide Maya with security. She tailored her words and offered her shoulders. Ayu would hold Maya close for as long as she needed. It took Maya weeks to finally show some emotions by the way she looked at Ayu so defenselessly and sought comfort. Even when Maya shivered in her embrace, she never cried. It got Ayu into thinking that just like she’d stopped fighting her dad back, Maya had stopped crying too. Then Ayu encountered the same question: what could she do for her? Ayu always recognized herself as selfish. She never catered to anybody’s needs and was completely fine with any of her friendships being superficial. Ayu didn’t know that a person could mean so much to her.
It was Sunday, and Maya came to Ayu’s house with a smile. They were on the bathroom floor, Maya had relaxed against her chest, and Ayu’s arms circled her upper body — carefully avoiding the newly painted colors on Maya’s waist. “I wish I could kidnap you, and we’ll live somewhere far away from here. Just the two of us.”
Maya chuckled, “That would be nice. But, Ayu, you’re with me now, and it’s enough.”
Ratih ran after her husband who was heading to their daughter’s room. Something had happened at his work, and he came back reeking of booze. She knew by his expression after he’d done with her that Ratih alone wasn’t enough to subdue his rage. “Please! She isn’t feeling well. Please! I’m begging you!” Ratih tried to get a grip on him, but he yanked his arm at her. Ratih was sent down the stairs.
The room was spinning around her, but the familiar sounds of her husband’s violence pierced her ears — alerting every cell in her body. Ratih quickly got on her feet to interrupt her husband in the hope he would turn his attention to her and forget about Maya.
Before he could see her entering the scene, Maya shouted and began throwing things at him. Both Ratih and her husband froze. Their eyes widened in disbelief as they watched their daughter go crazy. The sight brought back memories of many years ago. Ratih thought Maya had finally learned her place as a woman in a man’s house. Stop it, dear, your dad will get angrier.
Maya stormed out of her room, and Ratih immediately trailed behind her. She persuaded Maya to go back and ask his dad for forgiveness. Yet, Maya ignored her pleas, she didn’t turn around and kept her bare feet moving on the dirty road. When Maya finally stopped walking away, Ratih saw her body tremble then heard a sound she’d never heard again from Maya for a long time. Ratih felt her eyes burning, “Dear,” she approached her.
Maya avoided her touch as her cry got more hysterical. Ratih forcefully grabbed her wrists to stop her from pulling her hair and hitting her head. “Maya-,” her tongue went numb midway, she was uncertain how she should continue her word. Maya’s face was so foreign to Ratih as if something had been taken from her, something she wanted to protect, something so dear to her. Ratih had no idea what it was that Maya lost.
“What can’t I do anything? Why can’t I say anything? I’m so useless,” Maya mumbled– struggling to free her hands from Ratih’s grip. Her voice was muffled by tears, but Ratih was close enough to hear her clearly this time. How many times, Ratih thought, Maya had cried alone, and Ratih failed to hear her.
Ratih pulled Maya into a tight hug. In her embrace, Maya helplessly repeated, “I’m useless,” “What can I do?,” “What should I do?” And all Ratih could do was to cry together with her.
After that night, something within Ratih shifted, and the scary thoughts she’d been taught wrong and immoral became more prominent. Ratih was raised in a house where her family told her that a woman had three roles in her life. To be a daughter meant she should obey her parents. To be a wife meant she should submit to her husband and keep the family together. To be a mother meant she should pass down her family’s wisdom.
Was silence a wisdom?
Ratih opened Maya’s wardrobe. She placed her clothes neatly in their place. Some clothes, too small for Maya now, were still stored in the wardrobe. She took a jumpsuit and remembered little Maya with a missing tooth running around a park in this dress. Ratih buried her face in the fabric and let herself fall on her knees. “I’m sorry. Forgive me.”
After she’d finished with house chores, Ratih put on her best dress. Her heart felt stuffy, but she’d made up her mind. She would start learning a new language her parents hadn’t taught her yet today. It was terrifying.
“Mom?”
Ratih snapped out of her thoughts. “Oh, hi!” She waved her hand to Maya. “A friend?” Ratih looked at a taller girl who bowed politely at her.
“Ayu, from Class B. Are you going out?”
Ratih nodded. “Yes. I need to go somewhere. Are you going home now?”
“No. I’ll go to Ayu’s, it’s close.”
“Okay,” Ratih patted her daughter’s hair, “Be safe.” Ratih sensed Maya’s dismay for her. She poked her nose and gave her a playful smirk, “Did you hear me, Maya? Be safe.”
Ratih’s heart felt lighter as Maya smiled cheerfully, “You too, Mom.” She turned to Ayu and extended a hand for her to take, “Let’s go, Ayu.” Ratih could see the surprise on Ayu’s face, then, her expression softened.
The long-awaited bus opened its door for Ratih. She looked at her daughter for a final time before stepping on the bus that would take her to a place where she could get a piece of paper more powerful than a vow she uttered thirteen years ago.
