Ṭhika āchē
When I first got home from India, everything felt surreal. Each moment felt as if it were a memory. It felt too good to be true and I was scared that it was all going to disappear any moment. When I talk about my time in Kolkata many people respond in awe saying things like, “I could never do that,” or “you’re so brave.” But truth be told, I still don’t fully believe that I was actually able to do it. I was the kid that would leave a sleepover in the middle of the night because I missed my mom. I go to school an hour from home and still cry almost every time I have to leave for school. Homebody doesn’t even begin to cover it. Even as I look back on my experience in Kolkata, I can’t believe I went so long without hugging my mom. While I cherish every moment I spent with the amazing women that Destiny employs, this was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done.
So much of my time in India was spent focusing on making it to the next day, sometimes the next hour. I was fully present in whatever I was doing in that moment by absolute necessity. This was a blessing and a curse. I am glad that I was able to focus on each moment, but I also think I was limited in my overall view. It wasn’t until I got home and returned to comfort and safety that I was able to really process what I had just done.
The actuality of my time in India is not pretty. Human trafficking is a disgusting reality that too many young girls face. There are few acts worse than stripping someone of their dignity and sense of self. Every day I spent with these girls the more I fell in love with each and every one of them. But now looking back, each memory makes me more furious that our world cannot give these girls the love and care they deserve. The injustice of their lives makes no sense to me. It should not make sense to anyone. Almost all of my opinions and world views have been shattered without me even realizing it. And now that I am back in the states, it is time to attempt to put the pieces back together.
I had a mantra that I would repeat to myself whenever I was scared, sad or lonely throughout my time in India.
“May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from all suffering,” Loving Kindness Meditation
I would say it over and over again willing myself to be okay. But now that I am home and I am well, I am happy, and I am free from all suffering I’ve started saying the mantra for each of the girls and, of course, Raju. I wish I could do more for these wonderful people, but for now I am limited to focusing my mantra on them.
The thought of going back to that discomfort and foreign way of life terrifies me. But the thought of never seeing Raju and the girls again scares me even more. I do not ever want to go back to Kolkata, India.
But I am not sure I will be able to stay away.
