An Active Battle Between a Changed Heart and Uncertainty
It’s all a bit surreal for me at the moment. I look back and both laugh and wonder at one of my first posts in The Gambia, just about two months ago. I remember speaking to the surreal feeling of realizing I was in The Gambia, experiencing every new thing, food, word, and person, but not quite being able to believe it was actually real and actually happening in my life. Now, about two and half months later, I’m having almost the same exact feeling, but in retrospect.
A big part of me can’t believe I actually spent seven weeks in The Gambia-at Starfish meeting and bonding with the most incredible girls I could have ever dreamed of encountering, and becoming a part of the most beautiful family and culture, meanwhile finding my true self and letting that “new woman” shine through–let alone even embracing the fact that I was actually there, and that it wasn’t all a dream. I think that’s because I have had a pretty hard time adjusting to life in the States, let alone all of the crazy cities I have been since I left Starfish (Casablanca, Morocco on my layover, San Francisco/Bay Area while I was home, Washington, D.C. where I’m living for the next semester, and New York City in my recent East Coast endeavors). Coming to terms with my surroundings, environment, and everything around me, while paying attention to the inner workings of my heart has been extremely confusing, overwhelming, and frustrating. I have felt so incredibly lost and unsure about things since I came back, which is why I held off on writing this post until now. Honestly, I thought I’d be “okay” by now. I don’t know what I thought, that I could cure my changed, Gambian heart?
There have been so many moments when I resented the development and the excess around me, because I couldn’t find purpose in it all. In The Gambia, I had come to treasure simplicity and the true core of things, rather than requiring excess noise and luxuries, but here in The States, I have gravitated and fallen back into some old habits of buying things I don’t need and not giving people or experiences the full attention and love they deserve. However, now, because of my experience at Starfish, I am the first to acknowledge my own shortcomings and realize that no matter how many times I make a mistake, or don’t necessarily live in the accordance with the lessons I learned and the person I became in The Gambia. I am aware of the abundant blessings in my life, and determined to intentionally utilize them for the betterment of myself and others. I have realized that globalization has its pro’s and con’s, one system of living isn’t necessarily better than another, but dang can you live a good life with a full heart, a little bit of hard work, the most inspiring and crazy girls in the world, and a plate full of chicken domoda.
It’s been about a month since I’ve been back, and each day I seem to process the experience and my feelings about it differently. Once month since my return, I long for chicken domoda, the Starfish girls, and the sound of Mama Sarr sing-shouting “Musukuta” from outside Sarr kunda. Ive been feeling pretty weird and uneasy about everything- especially myself and my ability to retain and apply all of the significant life lessons Today, I met a guy named Moussa from Senegal at a Trader Joe’s in downtown Washington, DC of all places, and of course freaked out and showered him with bits and pieces of my experience, and he tested me on all of the Wollof and Mandinka I could remember (it’s pretty embarrassing how little I could remember just one month since living there for two). Even though I was thoroughly embarrass with the lack of Wollof and Mandinka I could recall on the spot, Moussa was thoroughly impressed, and I was thoroughly grateful. Getting a chance to reconnect with my experience and tap into my Gambian self (Musukuta Faal) was such a welcomed grace. I am so thankful to be reminded of the goodness I experienced at Starfish, and the fact that all of those moments, words, and friends still reside in my heart no matter how far I am away or how many days go by. I will always be Musukuta Faal and I will always have the experience in The Gambia. Even if I fall into my old patterns and make a mistake here and there, I can never unlearn the lessons I learned. My heart has been changed forevermore, and I will make it my mission to recall and spread the unconditional love and joy that was so abundantly poured out for me at Starfish.
Signed,
Musukuta Faal
